Ongaku Niji
by Passe on an Angel
Summary: When a chibi massmurdering general shows up in our world, what happens? Obliteration by cuteness, that's what...
1. The Internets :: A Fitting Beginning

A/N: -hic- _I think the Nyquil has a bit more alcohol in it than they're letting on. Writing a fic when you're sick and sleepy is not a good idea. If you're reading this, this means that I either edited the fic after some coffee and a good nap, or I posted this semi-smashed. _-hic- _I hope you laugh. ...Well, that's pretty much it for the author's note... Oh! Ongaku Niji either means 'rainbow music' or 'music rainbow'. Either way it works for me. _

_This is _not_ a self insert. The main character and I aren't really similar... at all. He's nuttier than I am, and older, apparently... and male. Did I mention it's a boy?_

Pairings? _No. Chibi smex is too much for my fragile psyche to handle... which is why I can't see any pairings. Anything you spot is a figment of your imagination, or one of my editors being perverted._

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or Vexen. I also don't own Sephiroth's hair... It told me it needs it's own disclaimer. Nyquil is also not owned by me. _-hic-_

Summary: When a chibi mass-murdering general shows in our world, what happens? Obliteration by cuteness, that's what...

**WARNING:** Bold letters mean you should pay attention! This could be what you call a 'crackfic', though no drugs were used in the making of this fanfiction... That we're aware of. The urine tests haven't come back yet. This fic isn't meant to be taken seriously, in any case.

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Ongaku Niji

The Internets : A Fitting Beginning

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The Internet is a very scary place. It's full of goth journals, winkie enlargers and porn. Millions of people access it's fruits of knowledge every day for various reasons. Most of them do it to look up materials for school or business research, believe it or not. I don't. Others use the Internet for porn, which is what it was created for. It's creepy, weird, and most of all, addicting.

_Bing._

"...Damn. Outbid again..."

I have just been outbid for a limited edition nic-nack that I really don't need. I think it was a decorative fish head that I could use to annoy the neighbor's cat.

"Buzz," says the door. It's much too cool to go 'ding dong' like all the other doors. No, my door is hip with the times. Or it could be broken.

Whilst pondering the need for a doorbell repair man(it was doing it's job, after all) I managed to will myself into motion, avoiding obstacles that may disrupt my journey. Before I could get relatively close to the large, wood privacy-giving and anti-burglar device I hear scratching noises. Take a moment and think. Could I have locked the cat-

_Meow._

-must remember to feed cat. Maybe the neighbor's cat finally snapped and is attempt to escape the hell of pink ribbons and the expensive cat food(it's horrible, according to kitty). Maybe it learned how to push the doorbell, too. The dog barks, scaring the cat and making me reach forward and pull the door open. Of coarse, the dog is much too good of a guard to be disturbed from his comfortable place on the couch...

"Nya!"

_Blink._ Look left, look right. Maybe I was magically transported to Japan, because only Japanese cats say 'Nya' and get away with it. Everybody else is automatically stabbed with a chopstick.

Back to the matter at hand. Nothing left, nothing right, but I distinctly heard a cry of 'Nya' as I opened my favorite door. I look back to my dog, who is sleeping, then to my cat, who is... missing.

Ow! Damn ca- Wait... Is kitty stabbing my leg?

"Kitty?"

"Nya!"

All of my five senses are telling me not to look down. Look _anyplace_ but down. Look at the dog drooling on the lumpy, green couch. Look at the pot of month old coffee/fungus on the counter! Look at the dirty dishes-

-_I look down_-

-damn.

_Ahem_. I look down to discover that it is not my kitty that is stabbing my leg, oh no. Instead of a ball of black fluff I see a veil of silver hair -- that was stabbing me with a rather large butter knife. At this point my brain shut down, as did the nerves in my leg that send up pain.

"Mama!"

The hair looked up with giant green eyes and the face of a moogle, and I recognize who it is. The realization made me question if I should hug it or hide under my sink.

"I am not a wo...man..."

Several minutes are needed to get the wheels in my brain turning again.

_Blood staining carpet. Call cleaners in morning._

"...Sephiroth...?" I ask, as if it needed confirmation. The hair gives me the biggest, brightest grin I have ever seen.

Damn, _that's_ what I was bidding on. A stupid Sephiroth plushie for my sister's birthday...

Looks like kitty escaped at the right time.

"Mama, nya!" The mini-SOLDIER pulls his mini-Masamune from my leg and clutches it with blood soaked hands. It's disturbingly _cute_.

"...I need caffeine..." No, I need booze. Lots and lots of booze... and a first-aid kit. Damn, I wish I was legally old enough to purchase alcohol.

First-aid kit first. Can't have the roommate made at us, can we, _Sephy-kins_?

I believe it is my lack of inorganic stimulants that made me come up with that nickname. It could also be my lack of kitty. Well, I couldn't call that tiny thing _Sephiroth_. It wasn't even two feet tall!

...Attempt to hold in uncharacteristic giggles...

Succeed!

...It's times like these when one must question ones sexuality.

Sephiroth, in my absenese of attention, tugs on my pants in an attempt to get attention. He could have been attempt to depants me as well. _Pervert_. I open the door to the bathroom and begin searching for the item that I seek. It didn't take me long to find the white box stamped with safety stickers, courtesy of the roommate's mother. She is such a caring woman.

"Nya, mama!" Sephiroth attempts to climb up my leg. I pull him off and place him on the counter so he wouldn't wander off. Though, if the mini-murderer wandered out of my house I wouldn't mind at all. Nope, not me.

Actually, it would be very likely that he would attempt to destroy the world, so keeping him here might be a good idea...

"Ow!" Damn peroxide. The cut isn't very deep, more of a flesh wound _-the black knight always triumphs-_ and is easily taken care of. My brain isn't doing much work. It seems to have frozen upon the subject of the mini-SOLDIER turning up at the front door. Never mind that he was fictional, how did he ring that doorbell? _Stop thinking._ I look up to find Sephiroth missing.

_Well sh-_

"Crash!" says some unfortunate glass object in the living room. Better not be my monitor. I limp at an alarmingly fast rate to my living room. The site shocks me into... shock.

Sephy-kins is floating six feet off the ground, Masamune raised at a lump of blonde spikes. I look a bit closer and discover that this is no ordinary lump of spikes, but an emo lump of spikes known as Cloud. The ex-SOLDIER --_in his head_-- was clutching his mini-buster sword, powering up for some over-hyped finishing move. Sephy-kins looks so adorable, his eyes narrowed in chibi anger. Cloud looks likes a chocobo...

My brain turns quicker than it has all day, thinking up a quick plan to save Sephy-kins and all of my furniture. I mentally sigh when the plan comes forth, delivered by a mini-Vexen, dressed in a labcoat. It told me that I needed to see a psychiatrist. I promptly told it to sod off and lunged forward, blocking Sephy-kins from Chocobo-head.

**THUNK!**

Not the smartest plan of action, I'll admit. Who knew the buster sword was so blunt?

"OW!" I cry, a sizeable bump appearing on my head. Cloud blinked his blue eyes in confusion and Sephiroth gave a cry of 'MAMA!' when I hit the floor... That might be being a bit too dramatic. Really, I slumped to the ground in blind pain. Much more poetic.

Vexen agrees.

Cloud, apparently, hit a sesitive part of my noggin, I began to black out. Sephy-kins clutched the back of my shirt, glaring at Cloud over my shoulder like my cat. _Where did kitty go?_ The chocobo in question was still attempting to process what happened. Did a giant just jump out of nowhere and save _Sephiroth_?

Yes. Yes he did.

The last thing I see is Cloud's worried --if you could call it that-- gaze and locks of bloody silver hair.

_Blink blink. _

We need to paint the ceiling.

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Ongaku Niji

One : End

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A/N: _I think it's raining outside, only it's being very indecisive about it. _-hic-_ I hear about thirty seconds worth of rainfall, then nothing for four minutes, then it starts up again. It's very disturbing. Well, that was the first chapter._

Next Chapter: Tiffy-wiffy and Zack make their first appearance. Raising the dead is fun, don't you think? Things are explained and the roommate is annoyed.

Want to tell me what you thought about the story? Click the review button and let me hear it!


	2. Porcupines :: Coffee

A/N: _I am not a boy and this is not a self insert, m'kay duckies? One of my friends thought this was me and... I almost emo'd myself to death. We've known each other for a year and everything... He got himself off the hook by giving me a boost of confidence._ -emoemoemo- _Second chapter, as you can tell. Eventually I'll get to the plot_(what plot, where?)_, but not before I have my fill of random cuteness. Heeheehee._

_If you spot any OOCness... suck it up. Okay? _-heart-

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or Vexen. I also don't own Sephiroth's hair... It told me it needs it's own disclaimer. Nyquil is also not owned by me. _-hic-_

Summary: When a chibi mass-murdering general shows in our world, what happens? Obliteration by cuteness, that's what...

**WARNING:** Bold letters! Children, when you're conked on the head and semi-blacking out the first thing you should do is call for help. Really, you could die and get experimented on by creepy scientists. The guy in the story was lucky because he had chibi doctors! Oh, and if _you_ get treated by chibi doctors... we need to talk. It's rated T for Teen because of gender bending, apparently. _She's just paranoid. _-smack- _Ow!_

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Ongaku Niji

Porcupines : Coffee

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I do not have the female parts. I do not stick things in my unmentionables to keep blood from running down my legs. Sephiroth calling me 'mama' just doesn't make sense. I admit, I _am_ apart of the generation of boys that look like prepubescent girls, but the lack of breastage should notify all that I am, indeed, male. I am _not_ a woman, dammit.

Sephiroth disagrees.

When I come too I notice several things. The first thing is that the general and the chocobo are missing. Maybe I dreamed the whole thing up? That does seem like me... though, I don't think I stabbed myself in the leg.

...Where'd my band-aids go? I could have sworn they were there when I passed out... I also could have sworn my cat loved me. Instead of environment friendly adhesives the lower part of my leg is wrapped in an alarming amount of gauze. Twas odd, considering I don't have any gauze in the house. Perhaps my roommate took pity on this pathetic human bo-

_Need caffeine now._

I sit up and the room spins in all different direction... more of a swirrl, really. I raise my hand to cradle my tender head, only to find that it has also been gauzed up. _Why? _Does gauze have some magical healing power that I wasn't aware of? Well, maybe I was bleeding and someone cared enough to attempt to stop it.

"Nya!"

There that someone is! My ki-

"OW!" Sephy-kins appears to be stab-happy. At least he didn't have an object that could achieve penetration. _Heehee._ This time he was armed with a spatula and a blue chocobo apron. That is too cute for words, especially mine. My brain, who's back on the road to success, comes to a very haunting realization.

Sephy-kins has been in the kitchen.

_My_ kitchen. Where food is prepared and the five month old pot of coffee is building it's army of bacteria.

With speeds previously unreached by the human species I race to my kitchen, Sephy-kins attaches to my arm in the process. I don't notice the smell of cookies and coffee until I'm at the entrance. I look around, making sure that nothing has been broken when I realize the floor is clean. My kitchen floor is _never_ clean. I'm a college student working a part-time job. _I have no time to clean._ My roommate is in a similar situation. '_He spends most of his time studying, unlike _some_ people...'_

...Did I just scold myself?

_'No.'_

Okay.

"Mama!" Sephiroth cries, cuddling my arm and the spatula. I ignore him, for he _stabbitied_ me, and examine the kitchen. The floor is free of dirt and coffee cups, as is the counter and table. All of the paper plates have disappeared and the dishwasher is running. My sink is suspiciously empty and the pot of coffee is gone. A porcupine with chibi angel wings is sitting on my table, wearing a pink chocobo apron.

Cloud is tied to a chair... _with my belts_.

"Oh, you're up!" the porcupine says happily. Cloud looks angriely at me. That's okay, I don't really like him either. The angelic porcupine motions for me to take a seat across from him. I 'really shouldn't be walking around with this leg'.

"Sorry about Cloud's... episode. He and Sephiroth don't get along." I nod stupidly as he hands me a cup of coffee. _Mmmmm, coffee._ I am slightly miffed. Is Mr. Porcupine... Zack?

Well, he was always an odd one.

He explains that he was cleaning up my kitchen when Cloud and Sephiroth began to fight, and that he's sorry about my lamp. He says he was the one who gauze up my leg and head. I _almost_ hug him for taking on the challenge of the coffee pot, but decide against it. His hair could my poke my eye out.

"...Why is Chocobo-head tied to my chair?" I ask, sipping my beverage. _Mmmmm, _fresh _coffee. _Cloud twitches, his glare intensifying.

"Well, he kept wanting to kill Sephiroth and that could cause a mess... so we tied him up!" Zack delivers the explanation with a cheery smile. I _really_ want to hug him.

"Oh," I exclaim with my _first _smug grin of the month, "kinky."

Silence.

"Mama!" Sephiroth chimes, nuzzling my shoulder. Zack begins to chat about random subjects.

The phrase "Tifa's trying to find your dog" catches my attention and I immediately feel my eye twitching. Zack explains that my dog ran out the door when he opened it to get the mail, which was on the counter. I look at him but can't find the will to glare. I still want to hug him, and I really need a hug at this point.

First kitty, now doggy has abandoned me.

...Sniffle...

_'Are you crying?' _

No.

Zack is still talking, but it mixes with Chocobo-head's muffled complaints and Sephy-kins' random cries of 'Nya' and 'Mama'.

I need to see somebody about this. Chibi Final Fantasy VII characters cleaned my kitchen and lost my dog. This cannot be normal. Maybe I'll call my cousin. She'll know what to do.

I faintly hear the screech of car breaks.

"Shh!" I order and they comply. _Wow._ Those leadership classes are paying off. My fears are confirmed. My roommate is home and probably mildly annoyed with the universe. I jump up as my brain thinks up a plan. Two plans in one day is a little much but it must be done. I grab Zack by his torso and Chocobo-head by his... chair and shove them into a nearby closet. Sephiroth stays locked on my arm as the front door opens.

My dog barrels through the door and plops onto the couch.

_Blink._

_'Blink?'_

Shut up.

My roommate looks annoyed; I have the urge to get out of his viewing range. He glares at me and I know it's too late. I don't even notice the Tifa-looking doll in his arms.

_'O rly?'_

Shut. Up.

"What was your damn dog doing in the middle of the street?" he asks.

"Um... He needed a change of scenery?" Sarcasm defense, activate!

"..." My roommate's glare wavers slightly. The stupidity has breached his barriers! ALL OUT ATTACK!

"He asked me to open the door this morning, like last time. Of coarse, I hadn't had my coffee, so-"

"Stop talking." he orders, tossing Tiffy-wiffy at me. I catch her with the utmost grace, which isn't much at all. He shoves passed me, into the kitchen. It takes him a whole nine seconds to notice that it's _clean_. He turns back to me with a look of pure shock on his face.

"Did you-?"

"...Er... _Yes_."

"...Nice work." And he's gone, just like that. He grabbed _my_ cup of coffee and disappeared into his room, slamming the door. Bastard. That cup and I had a special relationship. At least he didn't notice my Sephiroth sleeve cover. They're all the rage in Taiwan.

"Nya!"

"You can put me down, you know." the Tifa doll says politely; I drop her like a hot potato.

"Ow!" Finally, somebody else's in pain for a change.

"Sorry."

The oven dings and the closet door slams open. Zack gives the battle cry of a true SOLDIER and lunges for it.

"MY COOKIES!"

An hour later the Sephy-kins, Chocobo-head, and Zack are sitting in front of my TV, playing a video game I didn't know I had. Tifa and I are in the kitchen, discussing the reasons why she and the others are at my house. She explains that some freaky electrical surge went though the Lifestream and they woke up on my roof.

Well, that makes sense.

_'Only not.'_

If you don't shut up...

The doorbell rings.

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Ongaku Niji

Two : End

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A/N: _HOMGAWD. CLIFFHANGER:O I'd like to thank Josh(he knows who he is) for coming up with the cutesy nicknames. _Rios Masquerade_ is my favorite reviewer, as she(he?)'s given me my first review on this website. Cupcakes, pocky, crepes, and strudel to her._

_Pocky to the rest of you ghost readers. You're important to me too. Just review more..._

Next Chapter: Cute cute cute! The cooking of dinner and the roommate's departure! Language barriers are activated!

Want to comment on the cuteness? Do so now!


	3. Language Barrier :: Why Wutai Lost

A/N: _Mama mia, here we go again Whee. I don't have much to say anymore. _Pluto's_ been discovered as a dead planet, so they're not even going to call it that... IT DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT! At least now we have a bunch of books written about Pluto we can use to prove little kids that it IS a planet in the future. You know, throw some drama in their life when they go back to school..._

_The Japanese will not be translated. I am not fluent in Japanese and if I get something wrong people will hurt me. Don't worry. I'll limit Tseng's speaking. I'm sure Japanese speakers will get a good chuckle._

_...Did anybody else notice that Rude looks like _the Rock_ in _Advent Children

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, mac and cheese, or the Rock. I also don't own Sephy-kins and Zack's chocobo aprons...

Summary: When a chibi mass-murdering general shows in our world, what happens? Obliteration by cuteness, that's what...

**WARNING:** My my Big bold letters! I'm getting closer to the plot. It's coming, I swear! Or not, we'll have to see what happens... I still haven't come up with the man's name... Though, I know what he looks like. _You_ don't though. ...KEKEKEKEKEKE. EXPERIMENT!

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Ongaku Niji

Language Barrier : Why Wutai Lost

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The doorbell rings.

Well, it's more of a buzz. An angry, constant buzz. None of the males, myself included, acknowledge the buzzing. I sit innocently nibbling on the chocolate chip chocobo cookies. Who knew Zack could bake? I surely did not.

"Aren't you going to get that?" Tiffy-wiffy gives me an annoyed look _very_ similar to my roommate's. I shake my head, her glare intensifies.

"You're the guest..." I reason, nibbling on another cookie. I didn't even know we had cookie mix. Did he make these from scratch?

"As the guest I request that you open the door." Tifa ordered, her voice hinting PAIN if I refuse. She doesn't scare me, honest. Sephy-kins floats over in search of more sugar. I break my cookie in half and give it to him, like any good mother should.

_'Heehee.'_

Hush.

I sigh, pushing the chair back and getting up. I pat Chocobo-head on the way to the door, just to piss him off. We've come to a mutual understanding of dislike at this point. Well, _I've_ come to an understanding of dislike. I'm not sure if Cloud can hate anybody other than Sephiroth.

"I win again!" Zack says, Cloud gives another muffled complaint. Well, it was unfair, being tied to a chair and all.

"Buzz buzz buzz!" says the door. I'm honestly afraid to open it. The last time I did I was stabbed in the leg, but it _did_ lead to the cleaning of the kitchen... I wonder what lamp Chocobo-head and Sephy-kins broke. Do I even own a lamp?

_Deep_ breath, put hand on doorknob, open door...

...and get tackled by a falling TURK.

I hate my life. I really do. Of coarse, there are kids in other countries who're starving right now, but I feel that the Universal Power is out to get me. First, my kitty disappeared, then I was stabbed and my lamp broke! Now I've been surprise glomped by Tsneeze!

...I mean Tseng...

_'Sure you do.'_

Chibis are heavier then they appear, oh yes. Though they appear to be light as feathers(don't be deceived by the flying!) they really weigh eighty-five billion pounds. This is not an exaggeration, I swear. Tseng's small hands grab my shirt and I have no choice but to obey gravity. Elena, Rude, and Reno come tumbling after him, their eyes turning into black swirls. My body makes a lovely **THUNK** sound when it hits the ground.

"MAMA!" Sephiroth cries, flying to my side. Tsneeze... er- _Tseng_, almost completely composed, sits up.

"_Sumimasen_." he says in a non-apologetic tone.

"Bless you." He gives me a weird look and stands. Reno, Rude, and Elena are still swirling on the welcome mat. A chibi in a wheelchair rolls through the door; stops next to my left hand. I turn my attention back to Tsneeze.

"_Hajimemashite_." He bows like any respectable Wutaian man would.

"..." Sephy-kins and I give him a blank look, I look at the wheelchair chibi.

"What's wrong with him?" I ask, Mr. Wheelchair glares at me from under a white blanket. I can't quite remember his name.

"His translation broke." Rude answers. The only surprising thing about that is that Rude _talks_. He had, what, five lines in Advent Children?

_'No waii!'_

Yes waii!

_'I lol'd.'_

Seriously.

...I'm semi-aware that I'm fighting with myself. Funny, I don't even sound like me... _Stop thinking, it's bad for my health._

Tiffy-wiffy enters from the kitchen and Zack looks over to us. They both give a look that clearly says 'ShinRa. Gasp!' Mr. Wheelchair glares at_ them _too.

It starts with an 'R'...

_'Reno?'_

That's the redhead's name.

_'Roxas?'_

He's a blonde too, but no.

_'Rikku?'_

No. She has better fashion sense. Really, who wears white after Labor day?

_'Who wear's short shorts on a snowy mountain?'_

Touchè.

"Rufus ShinRa!" Tifa nearly yells, though she doesn't. Cloud muffles 'Woofrms Shmra'.

Heehee. Woofus.

_'Hee.'_

"That's it!" I say in a 'eureka!' sort of moment. Elena stands up and positions herself next to Tsneeze and Rude. Reno is still blissfully swirrly-eyed. Sephy-kins is perched on my shoulder like a parrot. Well, I've always wanted to be a pirate...

Tifa and Woofus glare at each other for several minutes, a tumble weed blows by. Apparently, Tiffy-wiffy and Woofus don't get along very well. I stand up, inching my way to the kitchen.

"I'llgomakedinner." Poof, Sephy-kins and I are gone, like ninjas. I grab the curtains that we use for a kitchen door and slide them shut, releasing the breath I didn't realize I was holding. I turn to my demise, the kitchen. It's not that I'm a bad cook... It's just that anything I _do_ cook tries to eat me.

Time to venture into the belly of the beast.

The fridge is always full because I rarely eat. Cooking requires energy that I don't have, even with eighty-six cups of coffee a day. The _only_ things that ever run out are the sweets my cousin drops off. She cares about my health enough to give me artery clogging sweetness in the form of pastries and candies. The Universal Power has blessed her with a good heart and the ability to bake.

"What should we make?" I ask.

"Mama! Nya!" The mental image of myself in a boiling pot with Sephiroth and Zack adding vegetables makes me cringe. Can he say anything else? Heil Jenova? Praise Meteor? Death to all chocobos?

I decide on something simple: mac and cheese. Hopefully it won't come to life and attempt to eat the chibis. That would be really hard to explain. I put the hard noodles in a pot with water and set it to 'boil not mutate'.

"What 'cha doin'?" Reno's a ninja. He managed to get passed three TURKs, Woofus Shma, and Tiffy-wiffy without being crushed by glares.

"Attempting the impossible." I answer, cutting up a block of cheese. Reno gives the famous 'o' face and climbs onto the counter.

"You think that's gonna feed us?" I glare at him from the corner of my eye and nod. I'm not cooking for all of you, dammit.

"BANGBANGBANG!" says a gun. A red handkerchief flies through the curtains, spewing bullets in random directions. I hear my roommate's door slam open.

"WHAT THE HELL?" he cries, stomping towards the kitchen. Thinking fast, I grab the red cape of bullets and stuff it under my shirt, for I lack pockets. Reno hides behind the toaster and Sephiroth... is missing.

"Sorry! Attempting to cook!" I call and he stops dead in his tracks. I'd laugh if I wasn't so terrified.

"...I gotta go to work." Poof, gone! I am the best ninja ever. Not only can I make myself disappear, but I can get rid of others as well!

"Chomp," says the cape. I twitch slightly, the door slams, a woman screams. ...Well, that's my scream, because the cape slithered through my shirt and is biting my wrist hard enough to draw blood.

Before I could do anything Sephiroth leaps from the ceiling fan with a fly swatter. In one, fluid chibi motion he smacks the cape and it flutters to the floor in the form of Vincent Valentine. He stands up less than a second later and lunges at my ankel.

"RAWR! I ARE THE VAMPIRE!"

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Ongaku Niji

Three : End

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A/N: _I'd like to thank _Nuva_ for comparing my writing with a crude birth metephor. Really, I giggled like woah. :o _Rios Masquerade_ is still my favorite reviewer, as she's given me my first review for _two_ chapters. Cupcakes, pocky, crepes, and strudel to her._

_Crepes and pocky to _LittleBrick, Moonshine's Guide, _and_ Nuva_ for reviewing! You guys are the best!_

_Pocky to the rest of you ghost readers. You're important to me too!_

_Let me explain the Tseng/Tsneeze thing. Originally my friends and I believe that you pronounced Tseng like 'Seng', and we'd often call him Tsneeze. In Advent Children Vincent pronounced it Tsung(it was the only time they said it in the movie, too). JoshRoush(he knows who he is) came up with the nickname after I'd long forgotten it..._

Next Chapter: Vexen and Hobo _-conk- _Hojo meet and create a **TIME PARADOX!** in the basement. Vincent is a vampire. RAWR! What will our heros do?

Comment on the cuteness! Do so now!


	4. Vampires :: Real or Not?

A/N: _The Internets is a very scary place. It's full of adult adds, free game stations, and really creepy old guys. I think I'll just hide in my author notes. It's safe here._

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, mac and cheese, and Vexen. I also don't own Sephy-kins' fly swatter or Vinnie's thirst for blood.

Summary: When a chibi mass-murdering general shows in our world, what happens? Obliteration by cuteness, that's what...

**WARNING:** Big! Bold! Crackfic! Vampire! Blood!

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Ongaku Niji

Vampires : Real or Not?

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I don't give Reno enough credit.

He's a lot faster as a chibi than he is in the movie. Hell, he might have been able to kick Yazoo, Kadaj, and Loz's ass while drinking rum and chatting on his phone, were he this fast. Thank the Universal Power that he is... for he just tackled Vincent Valentine to the ground.

Somewhere in the distance, victory music is playing.

An hour later Reno, Sephiroth, and myself are having mac and cheese whilst Vincent is tied to the table. The rest of the chibi population hasn't made a sound since my roommate left; we assume they're dead. Sephy-kins eats his bowl in under a minute, Reno eats his in under two. In less than ten minutes an entire pot of mac and cheese is devoured by two chibi pigs.

That's okay, though. I hate mac and cheese.

I take a moment to wrap my wrist in gauze, which Zack had left on the counter. My wrist stings like hell, and I thank Mr. Vampire by stabbing his cape with a fork.

"Rawr!" Vincent cries, chomping in my direction; I flick a noddle in his direction. I guess the chibification process was too much for the poor guy. He wasn't a vampire in the game... The coffin _suggested_ it, but that was more of a symbolic thing. I bet Hojo was a poet in his spare time. That, or Jenova drove him insane way before we thought.

_'He was insane to begin with.'_

Yeah, and you would know.

_'I would.'_

I really should call my psychiatrist. He might be able to give me something for the voice in my head... and the chibi people in my living room. Though, I think he'd lock me up in the loony bin if I didn't bring one of them with me. Even then I'd get a rainbow of pills for my troubles.

"Nya!" Sephiroth yells, thwacking Vincent's head. The chibi vampire chops down on the swatting end of the fly swatter and begins chewing on it. This causes Sephiroth's Cry of a SOLDIER™ and I feel my soul leave my body for a split second. Then it all comes back to me and I immediately dive into the closet, Reno on my tail.

"MWETEOW!"

**KABOOM!**

Smoke seeps through the cracks in the door. Reno and I clutch each other for a few minutes before I cautiously push the door open. _Pitch black. _The room was completely covered with smoke, which is not good for the lungs. The chibi and I cough and hack our way around, blindly searching for a window. When I finally find one I slide it open and breath deeply.

Reno's pulls a Japanese-style fan from the inside of his coat and begins fanning the smoke out. Six curious chibi heads pop through the curtains, question marks floating around them. I guess they survived.

_'Damn.'_

Yeah.

Once all the smoke is gone I survey the damage. The table is completely gone, along with the rope and the chairs. Sephiroth is floating above the space, spatula in hand, looking very pissed. Where's Vinc-

"Rawr!" **Chomp.**

_'Found him.'_

You're helpful, _really_.

_'I try my best.'_

Tiffy-wiffy and Zack pry Vincent from my ankle and gauze that. I'm close to looking like a mummy at this point, and not Sephiroth's mummy. Rude, Elena, and Reno tie Vincent on the other side of Chocobo-head's chair. My doggy guards them with his life... Or he could be guarding his couch, we're not entirely sure. Tseng turns to me, mild concern on his face.

"_Daijoubu desu ka_?" he asks in a curt tone.

"That's what your mother said last night." I reply, running a hand through my hair. I have the feeling that he can't understand me, because he nods and returns to the living room, Woofus and the TURKs following him. Of coarse, Tifa followed them to make sure they didn't try to monopolize anybody.

"_Osaki ni shitsurei shimasu_."

"You do that." I failed my Japanese coarse with flying colors. I took Spanish afterwards... I think I failed that too.

_'Aye dios mios.'_

...We'll go with that.

"You let him go!" says my basement door. That voice sounds very familiar...

"No, _you_ did!" ...Hojo? That can't be Hojo. The mad scientist is dead _and_ there's only one of him. The basement door swings open and two chibi-heads are seen, one blonde, the other greasy black. Damn, I bet my basement smells like old man chibi now.

"Vexen and Hojo..." I say in a mix of astonishment and terror. What the hell? Vexen isn't even from Final Fantasy VII. Zack's eyes narrow and he takes a fighting stance in front of me, Sephiroth floats down to my shoulder.

"Mama!" Cue the clinging and nuzzling. Boy, does this chibi have mommy issues...

"Mama?" Vexen inquires, adjusting his glasses.

"Interesting..." Hojo gets a very scarey look in his eye, the kind a school bully gets when he smells freshmen, and I rush to change the subject.

"Who'd you let go?" I asked, Hojo blinked.

"That damn Valentine!" the mad scientist states, the Chilly Acedemic and Hojo twitch in sync, and I begin to wonder what they were doing in my base- ARG! Bad mental images.

_'DON'T PUT THOSE IN HERE!'_

A small, blue light from the basement catches my eye. Perhaps that was the collected odor of old man over several long hours?

"What's that?" I ask, feeling brave with the chibi SOLDIER, Zack, by my side. Hojo looks back.

"A **time paradox**." he answers and thunder crashes. Odd, it's completely clear outside...

"**Time paradox**?" I did not try to emphasis those words at all, it just happened, and thunder crashes again. I think it got a DUI this time...

"Yes. I was experimenting with the life source of a random planet when I accidentally conjured up this old coot," Vexen explains, "After a bit more tampering I managed to create a Tunnel of Chibi from my world to your basement..."

From then on it was pretty much blah blah blah. I managed to catch my reflection in a shiny surface and notice that my skin is incredibly pale. Maybe I am sick...

_'Or turning into a vampire!'_

Don't even joke about that.

_'Well, Vampy _did _bite you several times...'_

Twice. I am not turning into a vampire.

_'Your eyes are red.'_

I don't want to be a vampire! Blood tastes bad and I've seen what happens to vampires! They always end up being killed by the protagonist... Am I going to get staked by _Cloud_?

"Are you listening to me?" Vexen squawks.

"I'm turning into a vampire." I whimper, rushing passed all the chibis and slamming my bedroom door.

A collective '...' floats above the house.

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Ongaku Niji

Four : End

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A/N: Nuva _likes pestering me. It's okay, though, I know where he lives... Okay, I don't, but I know how to annoy back_. Rios Masquerade_ is still my favorite reviewer. Cupcakes, pocky, crepes, and strudel to her._

_Crepes and pocky to _LittleBrick, Clogs, Nanasawa-san 140, lilalou, _and_ KumikoAnoriko_ for reviewing! You guys are sunshine dust!_

_Pocky to the rest of you ghost readers. You're important to me too!_

Next Chapter: Table shopping and breakfast! A Hojo experiment runs loose through the house, the plot appears, and Yuffie's a ninja!

Comment on the lack of plot! Do so!


	5. Tables :: Versus Monsters

A/N: _For those of you who don't know, pocky is chocolate covered biscuit sticks. It's really good as long as you pick your flavors wisely and check the expiration dates!_

_I keep promising a plot, and you can see it if you really think._

_But I'll be nice._

_You should all be thinking, 'Who _is _that voice in his head?'_

_Fufufufufufu._

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, Jedi mind powers, Larxene, Square Enix, or Vexen.

Summary: When a chibi mass-murdering general shows in our world, what happens? Obliteration by cuteness, that's what...

**WARNING:** Big! Bold! Letters! Ninjas and tackling chibis! THE HORROR!

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Ongaku Niji

Tables : Versus Monsters

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I cried myself to sleep, because I am a baby.

When I wake up I have no clue where I am, like most mornings. I'm in a world where chibis don't exist and coffee never gets cold. My table didn't get owned by Meteor and Sephiroth doesn't think I'm his mother. Cloud's emo over things he didn't do in his church and _doesn't_ hate me. There are no chibis on my headboard preparing to tackle me. Tifa's busy being a bar-

_...Wait._

"Nya!" Sephy-kins and Zack yell, jumping on my torso and effectively waking me from my stupor. When I get my Jedi mind powers they will be among the first to feel my awesome wrath, I _swear._ Sephiroth gives me a grin and I know it's an empty threat. He could mweteow the rest of my house.

"Bweakfawst is weady." I groaned, pulling my pillow over my head.

"I'm not hungry." Actually, I was quite hungry, but I don't think it was for food. ...Am I going to eat the chibis? Could I have an army of chibi vampires by the end of the day? Chibi vampire Sephy-kins makes me cringe.

_'Rawr. I'm a vampire.'_

Shut up or I'll poke you with Masamune.

I'm up and out of bed before Sephiroth can stab me again. Zack grabs my ponytail and the mini-general clutches my shoulder. _Yes_, I have long hair. I don't have enough money for a haircut. It's actually quite a bit like a mullet, but cooler because I'm going to be a vampire.

I pull my curtains open and find that the sun does not cause spontaneous combustion. Yay, I'm still human!

_'For now.'_

Let me be happy for one minute, dammit.

_'Will do.'_

The TURK chibis are gathered around my coffee table, sipping the beverage of their choice. _I'd like to recommend the coffee._ Tseng notices me.

"_Ohayou gozaimasu_." Oh! Oh! I know what that means! It means 'good morning', I am _so_ smart.

"Ohayou!" I respond with a grin. Tseng gives me an 'are you stupid' look, the one he uses on Reno regularly, and returns to his tea. _Do we even have tea in the house?_

Tiffy-wiffy and Chocobo-head are in the kitchen, sitting in the place where my table used to be. They're eating chocobo-shaped pancakes, Vincent is playing with a ball in the corner. We should get him some mental help. I'm sure Lucrecia is mildly amused, watching us from her crystal... thing. I am suddenly, blissfully reminded of my kitty. I still want to know where she went. Maybe she fell prey to the Mad Scientist Twins when I wasn't loo-

Stop thinking, grab a pancake from Chocobo-head's pile.

He glares, but wisely decides to say nothing. Wouldn't want to end up the chair's close friend again, would we?

I sigh, leaning against the counter. Zack floats over to me --_'When did he let go?'-- _a cup of coffee in hand. I gratefully accept while planning the days events. Normally I would just sleep until I had to go to work, since I don't have classes on Saturdays, but I think I'll go out. I need to buy a new table before my roommate gets back from... wherever...

'Where did they sleep, anyway?'

"The couch?" I answer out loud. Not a good idea. The chibis give me a curious look, I blush and chew on my pancake. Blueberry, my favorite. How did they know that?

I finish my coffee and grab my keys. I will get a table, _right now_. The need to get out of the house is just too great. Sephiroth is still clinging to me. I wonder how he go into my room. I locked the door and taped the sides down with my special red tape. Guaranteed to keep out all unwanted, evil spirits... and Hojo.

Make a mental note to check for chibi-sized holes in the wall.

"I'm going to buy a new table. If my roommate comes home for whatever reason _hide_. He's immune to cute and has ninja stars." I head for the door, only to be stopped by a tug on my sleeve. Elena, the only TURK that scares me, is tugging at my sleeve and looking scarily cute.

"Can I go too?" she asks. I twitch. I have a deadly fear of blonde women created by Square Enix. Larxene made sure of that. Despite my better judgement I nod, Reno hops after her.

"Me too! Me too!" Gee, you'd think they were getting something...

And where the hell is Rufus?

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I should just drive off a cliff, right now.

Elena is safely strapped in the passenger seat, because she called it with her handgun. Sephiroth and Reno, however, are throwing chocobo shaped items at other cars and pedestrians.

I should have brought Rude along. Or Vincent. I'm sure they could control the mad chibi projectiles until we got to a furniture store. Elena smiles at me. ...Is she _blushing_?

_'Hee.'_

I'm afraid to ask.

_'I think _somebody_ has a cruush.'_

...**No**...

_'Heehee.'_

I think my brain just shat a rainbow.

I _almost_ laugh at the thought of the chibi TURK having a _crush_ on _me_. Aren't there a legion of Tseng/Elena fangirls that will shoot me on site if this were so? Is there some hit on my head right now? Will the car explode when we get back? Didn't the author of this story say _no pairings_?

Don't drive car into a semi. Park car, exit car.

The furniture store is big, but not too big. I can't afford much more than the least expensive table they have, and it'd have to be on sale. Luckily, it's almost back to school for most students and they're having a back to school sale. Why a furniture store is having a back to school sale is beyond me, but I decide not to ask. I might not get my table. Damn, I need chairs too.

Elena stays close by my leg, Sephiroth clutches my arm, and Reno... is missing.

Oh well. One down, ten to go.

I avoid the helpful sales people like the plague. I really don't want to have to explain the chibis. It takes me two seconds to find the table and chair set. One-hundred dollars even. The Universal Power is smiling at me today, not turning me into a vampire _and _getting me a good deal on cheap furniture. Purchase items, they'll be delivered tomorrow.

"Eek!" a woman cries. I think an unfortunate high school girl found Reno... _up her skirt_. In a flash I'm by her side, grabbing the little TURK by his little neck.

"I am so sorry." Apologize until she cracks, that's the key! The girl is blushing profoundly, hands over her skirt protectively.

"No, I should be sorry for stepping on your doll."

_'You've gotta be kidding me.'_

The Universal Power smiles upon those who believe!

"I guess I dropped him by mistake." Cue charming smile, and cute tilt of the head.

"He's so life like, where'd you get it?" Think fast, FAST!

"The science department at my college," the chibi is running out of air, I think, "I'm suppose to take them out for a test run."

"How cool!" I think she's flirting with me, because she takes a paper and writes a number on it, "Gimme a ring when they're suppose to come out, 'kay?"

"Okay," Girl like my smile, according to my guidance counselor, "Bye."

The car ride home is awkwardly quiet. Reno is tied up in the trunk and Sephiroth is playing with the bubble wrap I stole when nobody was looking. Elena isn't looking at me, or smiling... I think she's pouting.

_'The scary blonde is mad.'_

...Graggle fu-

"Um... here." I reach into my pocket and hand her the crumpled piece of paper, "Since your not dolls and I have _no intention of calling her_, you can do what you want with this."

_'Subtle.'_

I think so.

Elena smiles slightly before tossing the paper out the window and shooting it full of holes. Anger lasted a short amount of time. The world is safe... _for now_.

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There's a tentacle monster in my house.

_Really_. There's a tentacle monster in my house, killing my chibis. It's a chibi-sized octopus for a chibi problem. Clever.

The chibi fighting squad is up front, Chocobo-head and Zack with their swords, Tiffy-wiffy with her fists, the TURKs with their guns, and Rufus is safely out of sight. I twitch, _slightly _and run my hand through my hair. I should have known the UP would pull something like this. The chibis are winning, I think.

Hojo and Vexen are running around their basement, no doubt. Vincent is probably playing vampire in the shadows.

"KYA!" Now I have twelve chibis, counting the ninja that hops from a shelf and flings a ninja star at Mr. Octopus.

_'Well, that was a short threat.'_

It was a _dirty_ threat.

_'...Pervert.'_

I'm only human.

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Ongaku Niji

Five : End

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A/N: **_SHUT UP,_** NUVA. **_NOBODY'S SUPPOSE TO NOTICE THE_ LACK OF PLOT**-shifty eyes- _I'm gunna be a mighty king, oh yeah! Heehee. The character here is paranoid about Vincent now. I would be too. I mean, Vincent's a vampire... RAWR! And yes, he has long hair. Well, it's more of the mullet style(bangs and long hair), but the bangs are spiky... and chin length... Nomura would be proud._

_Crepes and pocky to _Rios Masquerade, Moonshine's Guide, LittleBrick, Nuva, and KumikoAnoriko!

_Pocky to the rest of you ghost readers. You're important! Or you would be if you reviewed!_

_I'm giving away chibi Sephiroths to all reviewers. Now you too can have a mass murdering general in your arms! ...Coming soon to a store near you!_

Next Chapter: The three SHM want to know what's up with Sephiroth, and will do anything to get a straight answer!

Comment on the lack of plot! Do so!


	6. Mouthful of Poison :: Sephykins Can't C

A/N: _Crepes is a form of pastry. K? K_

_Today I dyed my hair. It's hooker red now. The chibis made me do it. -_whimper- _I think the fumes are actually getting me high, much like the Nyquil. Prepare for grammatical errors galore!_

_I know squee's not a word. Don't judge me._

_By the way, grilled squid and rice is a fantastic combo. Never had boiled octopus, though..._

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, Yahoo, Juicy Fruit, Starbucks, Vexen, the Girlscouts organization, or Square Enix.

Summary: When a chibi mass-murdering general shows in our world, what happens? Obliteration by cuteness, that's what...

**WARNING**: Beware of Yahoo! jokes.

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Ongaku Niji

Mouthful of Poison : Sephy-kins Can't Cook

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Zack says we're having octopus for dinner.

The tentacle monster was, indeed, a Hojofied octopus. Apparently in some far off country in the East they eat octopus raw as dinner. Zack puts the cut up octopus tentacles into a pot of boiling water. The carcus of Mr. Octopus is laying on the counter, it's eye rolls out and looks at me.

EWEWEWEW**EW**.

I hate all sea creatures. They're slimy and good for my health, which is the same reason I hate Hojo... because he's slimy, not because he's good for my health. Who knows, he could be. Are chibis high in fiber and Vitamen D?

_'Eat one and find out.'_

The other's would rebel against me. Plus, I think it'd be some form of cannibalism. I don't need the jail time.

_'Because you're jail bait?'_

Sephiroth is helping Zack cook. I can't help the feeling of forlorn as he helps cut spices with Masamune. How many chibi heads did he decapitate with that thing? Hundreds, and now he's using it to cut things for some side dish.

I think I'll develop the stomach flu.

_'Do you think they'll buy it?'_

I hope so.

The great ninja Yuffie-tuffy is throwing her ninja star around the house, she has yet to kill anybody. Chocobo-head, Tiffy-wiffy, and RAWR! Vampire! are keeping themselves occupied with a board game, I think Vincent's eating the dice. Elena is oogling me ninja-like from the couch, Tsneeze seems mildly annoyed by this. Reno and Rude are guarding my basement door like my attack cat used to. I guess Rufus is hiding with the mad scientists.

_'He's not very bright, is he?'_

How much you want to bed he's the octopus?

_'Oh well, one less idiot to destroy.'_

...What?

_'Your mother.'_

I _really_ need to make an appointment with Mr. Shrink. He'd be able to get rid of the homicidal voice, or at least direct me to the land of colorful juice boxes and magic jackets. The place where they never let your fingernails grow beyond two centimeters. A world where Sephiroth isn't going to give me AIDS with his contaminated sword... Who knows? Maybe he cleans it...

"Buzz!" says the door, in his normal tone. I think I named him Marvin when I first moved in...

_'You need help.'_

That's what your mom said last- Dammit!

Before I can get to the door Reno already has it open. Two Girlscouts are standing there, holding a box full of smaller boxes of cookies. The thought of mint fudge cookies makes me squee in happiness, causing Tseng to eye me oddly. What? They're my favorite type of cookies... I shove chibi Reno behind the door with my foot before he can cause years of expensive therapy.

"Oh, Mr.-" the older of the two begins.

"My cookies!" I squee, clutching the box with glee. Neither of them seem startled by it; they _must_ have been here before. I've managed to scare quite a few of them off with my antics. What can I say? These cookies are almost as important to me as coffee is, which is why I order them in the bulk.

_'You have issues.'_

You're a _head_.

My insult seems oddly fitting, I do not understand why. I grab most of my boxes, as there are more than five, and set them down next to the door. I swear I'm putting some of these girls through college. ...How did they carry all those boxes here? Stop thinking, sign little piece of paper, close door.

The chibis are staring at me and my boxes. I glare, standing protectively in front of them. _Mine_.

"What are those?" Reno asks, I twitch.

"Special. Mine. Get away." If I had a weapon I would have waved it threateningly, to show I meant business. I don't though, so I'll just glare and growl whenever they get within ten feet of my cookies.

"You should share!" Yuffie-tuffy states, I twitch again.

"No. I paid for them, they're _mine_."

"Sharing is caring, it can be fun!" Damn you and your commercials, Juicy Fruit.

"I have no problem giving you to the Mad Scientist Twins, or feeding you to the lawnmower. Whichever gets you away from my cookies." I don't think I've ever owned a lawnmower... Do I even have a lawn?

The _great_ ninja squeaks and hides behind the couch. Elena gives me a _look_ and I know that I'll have to give some cookies in order to keep peace, but not now. I'm just about to rip a box open when Zack rings the dinner bell. Where he got a dinner bell, the world may never know. I've certainly never needed one. Sephy-kins floats in with a bowl and a fork. It's a bowl of rice and octopus tentacle, seasoned with Masamune spices.

I think the tentacle moved.

_'...Ew.'_

EWEWEWEW**EW**.

Sephiroth looks up at me, obviously expecting me to eat it. The corners of my mouth twitch in sync with my eye, and I slowly move the fork through the noodles, and into my mouth. The other chibis are in the kitchen being served. I wonder if they get smaller tentacles because they're small. A little part of my soul wishes I was a chibi for the next eight minutes, just to escape the octopus.

Actually, it's not half bad. I become braver and put a little bit of tentacle into my mouth. It tastes mildly okay with the sauce and Masamune spices. In fact, I think I might have mo-

The tentacle _twitched_ in my mouth.

I automatically begin choking, the tentacle half lodged in my throat. Sephy-kins, thinking quickly, slams into my chest. The tentacle twitches it way all the way down to my stomach. I wonder if it causes stomach cancer...

_'That's really... ew.'_

I agree, O Great Voice in my Head.

"Awe ywou okawy, Mama?" Sephy-kins asks.

"_No I'm not 'okay'! _The thing-" I feel like as guilty as an oil company owner, Sephy-kins looks like he's about to cry. I stop screaming; I'm sure the dogs in the neighborhood are grateful, my dog sure is.

"Er. Sorry. I just spazzed out. It was really... tasty." Sephy-kins' eyes light up like light bulbs and he moves in for a crushing hug to my arm. Atleast my house didn't get mweteow'd. I wonder, was I tasting the octopus or was the octopus tasting me? Is an octopus going to sprout out of my belly like in oh-so-many hentai pictures my inbox is spammed with?

"Buuuuuuuuuuuzzzzzzzzz. Buzzbuzzbuzz." My dog lifts his head from his pillow, glances at the door, then sets it back down. If one holds down the doorbuzz button for several seconds at a time, the doorbuzz freaks out and attempts to annoy me to death. I sigh, moving towards the hunk of wood. Maybe the Girlscout's forgot a box or two...

"Where is Mother!" A voice asks, I look from left to right. There's nobody here...

"My Mother's in a unicorn on my desk." I cheerfully reply. Really, my dad had her cremated and I sneaked her out of his house in her favorite unicorn vase. I put her right next to the window, but near the computer so she can make sure I do my homework.

_'...That explains some of it...'_

What?

_'You have mommy issues.'_

I have _daddy_ issues _too_.

'..._Are you _smiling'

Heehee.

A tiny rock bounces off my forehead; my eye twitches again. I'm going to crush a few heads in tonight, then. No big deal, I've evaded police custody once before. Three silver-hair, Sephy-kins rip-offs are standing on the welcome mat. Sephiroth is too preoccupied with his hug to notice. Kadaj's eyes widen, bigger than a chibi's should be.

"Brother!" the three say in surprise. Sephiroth looks at them from the corner of his eye, it twitched slightly.

"What did you do to him!" Yahoo!... I mean Yazoo asks, raising Velvet Nightmare threateningly at me. Shoot me. I _dare_ you.

"He came like this." I answer, patting Sephy-kins' head, Kadaj glares.

"Don't touch him!" he orders. I'm feeling brave; bad things happen when I feel brave.

"Or you'll what?" I taunt with a smug grin. Kadaj raises his double-bladed sword.

"I'll kill you!" In a flash Sephiroth is standing intimidatlingly before his 'brother', Masamune in hand. Where did that sword come from? Is there some sort of alternate reality in his pants?

_'...I bet-'_

_Don't say anything._

"Down't twuch mama!" the one-winged angel orders. Loz, Yahoo!... Yazoo, and Kadaj all turn to me.

"Mama?"

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Ongaku Niji

Six : End

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A/N: _-_dies from hairdye fumes- _Wheeeeeee! _**MOONSHINE'S GUIDE_, HUSH_**_. -_shifty eyes_- XD You're _totally_ right. Very nice, detective. I'm afraid I'll have to kill you now..._

_My English teacher orders Girlscout cookies by the bulk. He's had nine _big _boxes in his room, stacked up, once. The debate and JV quiz teams made a fort of cookie boxes after school one day..._

_Thanks to_ Rio Masquerade, Apocalyptical, KumikoAnoriko, chaosbfly, LittleBrick, lilalou, _and_ Moonshine's Guide _for reviewing! You get sweets of your choosing and Chibi!Zacks! He'll make you dinner _and _'take care' of any trivial annoyances!_

_Oh, and yes, there are people who will spam your inbox with hentai imagery. ...I hate my friends..._

Lilalou _said my fic was well written._ -blush of a million... blushing... things- _And _chaosbfly _reviewed! She was the entire reason the chibis entered my mind and began whispering lack of plot ideas. Her story, _When Chibis Attack_, and the lack of caffeine. We don't have a coffee maker and I haven't been able to venture into the world to search for other forms of coffee. I'm seriously considering moving to Paris... but I don't think they have Starbucks..._

Next Chapter: Unfortunatly, our hero has to work in order to put food on the table. Where does he work? Starbucks, of coarse! Chibis on caffeine!

Is that plot I smell? Oh, it's just Sephiroth's cooking. Review!


	7. Your Mother :: What She Said

A/N: _I've been in a writing slump for the last few days. The ideas were coming, but I've been waaaaaay to tired to write. I've had to walk home from school, do homework, then pass out before dinner. I don't have much time to write, except on weekends... and I've been tired then, too._

_Then we got a puppy, and all was well. My mother brought home a puppy this morning. Some hobo was beating him in front of a supermarket. Basically, my mummy went 'Oh, homie don't play dat' and took the puppy away. Mummy's uber ghetto, yo._

_We named him 'Satchle' and he's gonna be a _big_ dog._

_School's sucking the life out of me._ ****D

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, Team Sparkle, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, Snakes on a Plane, SD Gundam, Yahoo, Starbucks, Vexen, or Square Enix.

Summary: When a chibi mass-murdering general shows in our world, what happens? Obliteration by cuteness, that's what...

**WARNING**: If Vincent bites you... you might want to get the mad scientist starter set(complete with Hojo assistant 1-8) and get the wound treated. You could end up hanging upside down in the closet otherwise.

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Ongaku Niji

Your Mother : What She Said

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"Mama?"

"...Yes..."

I think I shocked Yazoo and Loz into submission. Quick, get the belts and chairs! Crush zee infidels!

_'...That sounds _dirty

I try my best.

Kadaj is immune to my shock factor and just glares at Sephy-kins. I can almost see the friction between the two. Sephy-kins is still unrivaled in mad chibi cuteness, though Kadaj is giving him a run for his money... or chocobo cookies. _Hurk_. Tentacle twitching in my stomach.

"I must force you to remember our mother!" Cabbage... _Oops_, Kadaj cries, preparing to strike Sephiroth. _Yeah, good luck there, Scooter. _Sephiroth takes Masamune and charges.

Thus begins Final Fantasy VII: Oh Em Gee.

Sephiroth blocks Kadaj's first attack with chibi-like grace. Kadaj struck again, and Sephiroth blocked with equal swiftness. The battle was getting nowhere fast; the other two were slowly snapping out of their daze.

Sh-!

_'Watch your language, your existence is rated "T".'_

...What?

_'Nothing.'_

Apparently, Kadaj brought his materia with him. His right arm began glowing a light blue-green and I automatically knew what was up. He was going to summon Bahamut Sin... _in my house_.

Homie don't play dat game.

Word to your mother.

Threatening clouds circle above my couch, which causes my eye to twitch. It's a very nice couch and I don't want it to get wet. Before I could protest, or run for cover, the clouds disappear and a beam of energy sets a picture on the wall ablaze. It was a really nice picture too.

_'Who was that picture of?'_

My girlfriend.

_'...Where is she?'_

With your mom.

_'Are you saying she's a slu-'_

NO!

A floating figure catches my eye, I look up and burst into a fit of giggles. Apparently, the chibification process was too much for the summon, as he is now a light blue, SD Gundam reject.

Yes, it is _that_ bad.

The mechanical armor that he normally wears is now, what appears to be, blue metal chunks. The wings were _fluffy_ and borderline pink. His head stayed more or less the same, except for a rainbow sticker above his left eye.

I seriously can't stop laughing.

Bahcondom-chan seems to be greatly offended by this and attempts to explode me. Fortunately, I am in the advanced Chibi Protection Program™. Elena, Rude, and Reno tackle me to the floor. I'm perfectly okay with that, I would have ended up LOLing all over the couch and my dog would've bit me. It's _his_ couch, after all.

Then I'd be a werewolf vampire.

"That things pretty lethal, yo!" Reno explains. No way! I was _so_ going to walk right into that beam of fire-

-that_ just _hit one box of cookies.

Cookie harm, the eighth deadly sin.

I am the one who enforces punishment for such a crime.

_'Ho snap.'_

"**#!&#$!(#$!$#!#!**" Lord only knows what _that_ means.

"Dude, are you okay?" Reno's inquiry goes unnoticed. I am beyond angry. I am beyond pissed off. Death _will _be slow and _painful_.

""

"..." Elena and Rude can't form words.

"**_SNARL!_**" My rage boiled over the pot and slowly began to fill the room. I have developed chibi-powers, apparently, as a fancy-looking tennis racket has found it's way from the wall mysteriously to my hands. I am going to racket the summon to death.

On the other side of the room, Sephiroth and Zack have successfully tied the three SHM and locked them in the fireplace. Twas then that I decided that we are going to roast marshmellows later... Cloud, Tifa, and Tseng sweatdrop, which is physically _impossible_, as I swing the racket down on the summon. But I'm too late! A damn baseball bat beat me too it!

"HAI-DO-KEN!"

The cry of a warrior princess filled the room, chibis coward behind the couch, Bahcondom slammed against the wall and disappeared in a blue light. A girl, about eight years older than me, swung the bat frantically at the place the summon once was. Her familiar mouse-brown hair is a mess, like mine, and her eyes are clenched closed. The tennis racket disappears, I'll look into the cause later.

"DID AH GET 'EM?" she screams.

"Yes! Stop swinging!" I order, I guess all her kendo lessons did _nothing _for her. The bat hits the ground with a thud and I'm pulled into a grip of _death_. My cousin is always over-enthusiastic about seeing me. It's odd, considering she lives less than three doors down...

"I'm happy ta see ya, M-"

"Nice to see you too." I answer quickly, my Danger Senses tingling. She doesn't like the site of a woman hugging me, apparently. I shift my cousin and I enough so neither of us get hit by a bullet. I doubt Elena was trying to hit _me_, Sophia was another story _completely_...

"I brought ya cookies!"

...Thank Jenova for her.

_'You're welcome.'_

"I ordered a few extrie boxes because I had this feelin', ya know?" Sometimes I wonder where she got her accent. She grew up in _Tokyo_... makes me wonder why her English is so good, too...

"Another psychic feeling?" I ask with enthusiasm. I'll be happy as long as I have more cookies...

Chibi fire-fighters, who look suspciously like three TURKs, are moving the burnt box into the kitchen. Good work guys, those bright yellow jumpers sure make you look inconspicuous.

"Yeah! Tha cards told me ta order some cookies!" she answers with just as much enthusiasm, her glasses slipping to the bridge of her nose.

"Thanks, Bo," she always insists I use her mother's maiden name, because it's _Japanese_. I see nothing wrong with the name Sophia... She stops suddenly, eyes wandering around the room.

"Don'cha have wark?"

Wark?

_'Is there a chocobo loose in the building!'_

Oh, _work_.

"Yes, in about-" Check clock, realize I'm already five minutes late, don't even bother to finish sentence. In less than two minutes I'm rushing out the door in my Starbucks guise and into my car. Working for an evil corporation is so much _fun_. My subconscious here's another door slam, I ignore it.

The chibis aren't _that_ fast.

"Where're we goin'?" Reno asks, tugging on a lock of hair. Well, _hell_.

"Wark." I answer with a snicker, Cloud glares from the back seat, between Rude and Tifa. Elena takes her honorary seat next to me.

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The drive to my local Starbucks in uneventfull at best. The only misbehaving chibi is Reno, but he's quickly bound and gagged in the trunk. I feel like I'm in the chibi Mafia... Or maybe part of _Team Sparkle_. They have cool t-shirts, or so I've heard...

...Did I just leave my cousin alone with the SHM, two mad scientists, Tsneeze, Woofus, Vincent, and _Sephiroth_?

_'You're half right.'_

What do you-

"Mama!" Cue the clinging. Damn, I swear these guys can read my mind.

We pull up to the small coffee shop, just beside some overrated Chinese food place. My supervisor is standing outside looking more angry that he was the last time we spoke. I believe I set his hair on fire by accident that time...

I fear for my job.

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Ongaku Niji

Seven : End

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A/N:_ To answer _Moonshine's Guide's_ question: Rufus hangs out with Hojo and Vexen because he's evil and is planning something sinister... Like, I dunno, stealing all the cookies from the cookie jar. Or world domination. He'll rule us all with a tiny, iron fist... Or he could have been turned into an octopus! _

_I am such a freaking loser._

_And yes, I made a shameless TEAM SPARKLE reference._

_Thanks to_ Rio Masquerade, Nuva, 1wngdngl, KumikoAnoriko, SpiggyYaoiGacktLover, LittleBrick, Moonshine's Guide, Shanju Shori Neko, Kameko Suigami, CTHKSI, Yargy the Pirate Queen, and Apocalyptical _for reviewing! You get fudge mint cooki-("_I'LL MAUL YOU! HIIIISSSS_") Um... sweets of your choosing and Chibi!Vincents! You'll have to butter up the Universal Power yourself, though. The Narrarator can't do it for all of us, can he?_

Next Chapter: SNAKES ON A... counter! That's all that needs to be said, really. Oh, and real-life Reeve! He's too cool to be chibi!

...SNAKES ON A PLANE. SNAKES ON A PLANE. SNAKES ON A PLANE. I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFCKING PLANE.

Review, please.


	8. Snakes :: Where They Aren't

A/N: _I changed my name! A very special friend of mine came back to the internets and asked me to change my name back to my original username(from a certain pet site... -cough-). So, no longer am I _Stabbity Death_, but _Shibuya on an Angle

_To answer _Gigei's_ question, almost every character in Final Fantasy VII will make some sort of appearance. I'd be very afraid if I were you... 'Cept for the DoC and some of the BC folks. They can kiss my ass._

_I demand Auron take every person who was present in DoC(Irony being that the TURKs, Sephiroth, and Zack failed to make an apperance) and rape them with his Masamune... You heard me. Buttsecks for all. Freaking Gackt in a freaking video game... Mana would have been better, and 84 more scary._

_Oh, and I make a cameo appearance in this chapter. Guess who I am._

_It took me seven chapters and the lack of coffee to notice that the summary was fudged up. T-rated existence_

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Snakes on a Plane, Yahoo, Starbucks, Vexen, or Square Enix.

Summary: When a chibi mass-murdering general shows up in our world, what happens? Obliteration by cuteness, that's what...

**WARNING:** Bewear of pop-ups. Oh, and this chapter has blatant innuendo, dirty thoughts will be present, and 'shonen ai', though it's for humor purposes... and I'm a pervert. I plan to keep my promise for no pairings(unless somebody screams 'DO THIS PAIRING OR DIE!').

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Ongaku Niji

Snakes : Where They Aren't

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"You're late again!"

My boss' face is round, red, and plump with anger. Sometimes I wants to stick a candle in his mouth and have him scare away children on Halloween... or any day of the week. As long as it isn't the cookie girls or my cousin's little friend. He makes good hamburgers... he even wraps them in fast food paper!

"Sorry. Traffic."

A tumbleweed rolls down the road, passed my car and into the strangely clear intersections. A car accident ensues; it's between a cat and a semi...

"You know the importance of being on time..." His Starbucks-approved rant is effectively tuned out. I've had years of practice with bullets.

The chibis are nowhere to be found.

"Anyway, you, Julian, and Madison-"

I hate Julian and Madison with a passionate rage.

_'Why?'_

They don't respect my pimpness? I don't know! Don't you ever just hate somebody for no reason?

_'I hate all of Gaia.'_

That's _your_ problem.

"-And our district supervisor will show up sometime today. Be a good boy and clean up."

"Fu- Fine sir." Instert up arrow emoticon here for effectiveness. The U.P. let that slide and my boss gets in his minimal-wage car and drove off to do... things. Sephiroth clings to my arm; I look down.

"I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe..." I mutter, "Save me."

"Don't wowwy mama! I'll save you fwom dees pwefetic humans!"

_'He's so cute!'_

"Thanks." I say cheerfully, pushing open the glass door with a melodramatic sigh. Ignore the odd looks I get from my coworkers. I never smile, at least not to them. Maybe they're admiring my chibi arm protector.

_'Hah.'_

Envy me, I know you want to.

"Hi, Ma-" Julian begins in that cheery 'I've-had-waaaaaaay-too-much-fraking-coffee' voice. Anybody who's ever been to a Starbucks in San Francisco knows what I'm talking about.

"GRUNT." is the reply as I take my station at the drive-thru. Madison is inconspicuously checking my ass out from the supply room. Sephiroth, and the rest of the chibis, have completely disappeared, I think.

Adjust headset, speak into microphone.

"Welcome to Starbu-"

"_NOISENOISENOISE_YAHINEEDGRANDELATEWITHSKIMMILK_NOISENOISENOISE_ANDTHEBLOODOFAVIRGINPLZ."

My ears are bleeding... The damn speaker is still broken...

"Uh, yes sir."

"_NOISENOISENOISE_I'MAGIRL_NOISE_."

"Sure you are. Your total is $4.32. Please pull up to the next window."

The lady in the car smiles at my sadistically, I silently wonder if she's old enough to drive. She hands me a five dollar bill that has seen better days. Julian mixes her latè and hands it to me, almost spilling the hot contents of the cup. Thanks, jacka-

_'T! T!'_

...Umum. Q! Q!

"Here you go, ma'am!" I say happy that the women will be leaving within the next few minutes. Her hands brush against mine and a flash of several scenes play before my eyes. A floating body with one red eye. Horrible experiments done to a man in a blue suit. Faceless scientists causing general chaos1.

"Arigato! HOHOHOHO!" the woman cries, driving off at speeds certainly illegal in most countries.

"Yeah? Well, I pore favored your mom." I mutter darkly, palming my forehead. Acid trip, much?

_'HAHAHAHA!'_

What?

_'The plans have been set into motion!'_

What plans?

_'HAHAHAHA-Nothing!'_

I have the feeling that a major plot point is coming up fast. Sighing, I pat Sephiroth's head and begin to work on the next drink. Thankfully work will be over sooner, rather than later. I only work part-time today!

"Hey, Emie" That's not my name, dammit! An arm slings around my shoulders and a body is disgustingly close to mine. I'm going to sue for sexual harassment... Does anybody else find it amusing that 'ass' is in the word harassment? I thought not...

"Mama!" Sephiroth gives a distressed cry, but is quickly restrained by Tifa and Cloud; Rude, Reno, and Yuffie(_'Where did she come from_?') keep Elena at a non-lethal range. Dammit, I _want_ her to shoot his brains out! But I don't want Sephy-kins to blow up my work place, I would be out a job.

"...What?" I growl through clenched teeth. If my girlfriend were here she'd probably rip his jaw off... or tease me.

_'Sounds loving.'_

She loves me very much.

_'You sound convinced.'_

"Nothing." Madison taps my cheek with one manicured nail. I am tempted to bite it off... but he'd think it was kinky. _Creep_.

"Madi, our supervisor is coming here today! You can hit on 'Emie' tomorrow!" Julian calls, handing iced coffee to a man in a business suit. Madison gives a pout and reluctantly lets go. This is one of the few times I'm grateful for the brunette's existence.

"Um, excuse me?" I turn around and almost scream.

I settle for a gasp and loud statement.

"OH MY JENOVA." Dramatically point for effect. The patrons give me confused looks. It's okay, they don't understand my shock. Standing on the other side of my counter is none other than Reeve, one of my favorite Final Fantasy VII characters. That's not the shocking part, oh no. He's full sized, not some creepy old-man chibi.

"...Hello?" Reeve has a Cait Sith tie.

"Hi! Hi!" I say happily, probably scaring Madison and Julian, "You're Reeve!"

He blinks in surprise, "Yes, I am... How'd you know?"

"I'm a big fan of yours!" Tifa, disguised as a straw cup, tugs on Reeve's sleeve. He blinks again, looking down at her.

"Ti-"

"Not so loud! You know the policy!" Tifa whispers harshly; Cloud, the cream tin, nods.

"Eh... I'm taking my break now!"

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I'm sitting across from one of my heroes. No, not Reeve, Cait Sith. Apparently, he's an international kitty, for he's speaking in his dubbed voice, which is thickly Scottish.

...What nationality is Reeve?

Stop trying to think rationally... or at all.

_'I'll think for you, my child.'_

Thanks... my child?

"Why haven't you been chibified?" I ask, sipping on my soda. Reeve's paying for my lunch. Free food _and_ I get to talk to Cait Sith? This afternoon is made of win and love.

"We dun't know, lad." Cait Sith answers. Well, that cleared everything right up. Thanks guys, my life is complete.

"The chibification process did work on us, we just out grew it." Reeve states.

"Out... grew?" I tilt my head to one side, munching on a fry. Again, something the guidance counselor said the ladies loved. It's just become a habit... Sephiroth, the TURKs, and Yuffie are eating my chicken. Bastards.

"Aye. Reeve 'n' I were chibi when we first came 'ere. We woke up one day and were full size again!"

"...So, it wears off?" I ask in mild horror. Oh god, a chibi Sephiroth was bad enough... but and un-chibi one? Cloud would want to kill me. The SHM would be too... and Vincent... and Bahcondom... Hojo and Vexen would experiment on me... I think I'm going to pass out.

"We think so." Reeve says.

"... I'm going to die." I say after a few minutes of silence. Reeve gives me a confused look.

"Why would you-?"

"Cloud would want to kill me for stealing his pancake! Kabbage would summon Bahcondom and Vincent would try to suck my blood! Not to mention Sephiroth's insanity!" Sephy-kins gives me an odd look.

"Mama?"

"Arg!" I cry, putting my head in my arms and leaving over the table. I don't _want_ to die!

_'Nobody _wants_ to die.'_

You'd be surprised.

"Don't worry," Cait Sith pats my shoulder, Reeve speaks, "I'm sure we'll be able to get

"Sniffsniff. You think so?"

"Aye, lad!"

I think I have PMS. In less than a second the tears are gone and I'm happily heading back to Starbucks.

"Okay! The chibis know where I live, so you can follow them there Leave your address with my cousin and we can get started tomorrow."

_Sadly, tomorrow is always a day away._

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'Oh snap!'

There are snakes in the Starbucks. No, much like the tentacle monster, I am not joking. There are snakes slithering around the counter, the floor, through the doors... The only question is, why.

"Look at their reactions!" a very familiar voice states. I twitch, it can't be.

"They're not even attacking the people. All they want is the flavored coffee!" Vexen writes some things down in his notebook.

"What the _hell_ are you doing?" I ask in a deadly calm voice. Hojo turns to me, an innocent look on his face... Well, as innocent as Hojo could get.

"We're recording data on the snakes' behavior. We're going to attempt to create a snake-octopus hybrid."

"_The hell you are_." I growl, grabbing the chibis' hair. I pull them towards my car.

"We're going home. When we get there I'm locking you both in separate closets where you'll think about what you've done." I sound like my aunt. Sephiroth poofs behind me, Reeve and the chibis fast on his tail.

"Mama!"

"Sephiroth!" He takes one look at the snakes and I know all hell is about to break loose.

"MWETEOW!"

"Kaboom!" says the store.

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"...Local authorities believe it to be the work of a group of dangerous teenagers who've been releasing snakes in local businesses after the popular movie _Snakes_ _on a_-2"

The TV clicks off and I slump further into the couch, exhausted. Reeve's apartment is nice and cozy... and incredibly well furnished. Apparently, he receives a check from some sort of game company every week for existing in a video game without his permission.

Do the other chibis get checks too?

The reason I'm here is because I simply can't go back to my home, Reeve thinks it would be too much for me in this fragile state. Sephiroth blew up my workplace and my car, because there were snakes in there as well. Cait Sith guided the rest of my chibis to my house, to sit with my cousin who has already lost her marbles. The only chibis that stayed with me were Sephiroth and Elena. Sephiroth would have thrown a fit; Elena... is going to protect me from other women.

Hah. I can't imagine Reeve dating. I just... can't. That's why I don't understand the yaoi pairings with him. It just doesn't work in my mind. Which is why I don't read fanfiction anymore...

"Mama?" Sephiroth tugs on my apron. Crap, I still haven't changed my clothing...

"Yeah?" I half yawn.

"Sowwy." He looks adorable and I can't stay mad.

"It's okay."

"When I gwow uwp, I'll pwotect yew bwy anwy weans nessicawy!"

_Great._

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Ongaku Niji

Eight : End

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A/N: 1 _THAT, MY FRIENDS, WAS A PLOT POINT. I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE BEFORE, WUT ABOUT YOU?_

2_ This is semi-true. Two guys in Arizona, I think, released two rattle snakes in a theater when they went to see... _that movie

_Reeve has that old guy sexy look, doesn't he? XD Like Xigbar, DiZ(even though he's an asshat), and Auron... What?_

Thanks to Rio Masquerade, chaosbfly, Nuva, KumikoAnoriko, SpiggyYaoiGacktLover, LittleBrick, Moonshine's Guide, Gigei, Yargy the Pirate Queen, and Apocalyptical for reviewing! You get sweets of your choosing and Chibi!Reeves!

_Hey, _Yargy,_ my house is haunted by Kingdom Hearts chibis. Somehow, no matter what I do, the KH2 disk always ends up in my PS2 case. It's incredibly weird. Nobody else in this house plays the PS2, and they always make fun of me for liking 'anime games'._

_My friends want me to write an... ahem... _adult _version of this story. Please say it's a _bad idea_, you guys! They'll stop bugging me if you do! I can't handle writing smut! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME/Shinji Rainbows(aff) says that she'll write it if I don't... I suggest we all go to her house and cause an 'accident' with her computer... _**This argument is the reason it's been taking me so long to update**._ "I don't write smut!" "Pleeeeeeeaaaaaasssssseeeee?" "...No..." -Asuka glare- "NOW GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM!"_

Next Chapter: The Narrators heart gets broken! How will the chibis attempt to cheer him up?

Review or face the wrath of Hojo and Vexen! WATCH OUT FOR THE TENTACLES OF THE DEEP. -hysterical laughter-


	9. Emo Kid :: Smile Dammit

A/N: _8D You can all be assured, my friends have given up on their pervertive desires! HOYEAH! Two of my other friend and I teamed up and casted MWETEOW, so all is well. Not really, actually, I'm lacking some friends and have a few funerals to go to... No offense to aff patrons... but it's not my cup o' tea. I have nothing against anybody there, to each his/her own, but a lot of that stuff makes me uncomfortable. Which is why I keep my nose out of smut. Though, I completely disagree with 'no NC-17/Reader Interaction' policies. LET THEM FREE THEIR SOOOOOOOUUUUUULLLLLLLSSSSS._

_Ohoh! I noticed when I was checking my reviews that one disappeared. It went from 54 to 55 then back to 54. I went 'OMGWTF! MAI RVWS HAV BEN STOLDEN! CALL THE INTERWEBS POLICE!' I went searching for the missing review, you see, but had yet to find it! 'Missing review, where have you gone!' Then the number went back to 55... WTFmate?_

_I'd like to thank Moonshine and LittleBrick for giving me some courage to tell my friends to sod off. You go! XD LB actually gave me several good reasons. _

_YAY!_

_...I noticed that a part of Reeve's line was cut off in the last chapter... It will forever be known as... THE MISSING LINE! DUNDUNDUUUUUUN!_

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII/AC, Chibi USA, AIM, the Internets, Vexen, or any other crap that may be mentioned.

Summary: When a chibi mass-murdering general shows up in our world, what happens? Obliteration by cuteness, that's what...

**WARNING**: Um...I dunno. :D I make a lot of Steve Irwin(RIP) jokes in this chapter. If you feel that it may strike a chord within you don't read the chapter. This is the way I express my grief. RIP, Stevie. GREATER THAN 3.

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Ongaku Niji

Emo Kid : Smile Dammit

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The difference between Reeve and myself is age, as I've discovered, and not much else.

Really, my house and his apartment are almost identical, except for status. Same tasteless white walls, the occasional picture here or there. Two windows placed where the sun can hit them 27/7. Stupid sun and it's 'I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU' way of life. It's like a stalker, only it can give you cancer.

Reeve also has an Internets box, that's fancy lingo for computer, and he says I can use it. That's a major yay, for I have not been able to check my mail since the chibis arrived. I've been too afraid with the chibi infestation.

It appears as though I have an e-mail from my girlfriend. I do not believe it it good news; the title 'I want to break up' is not very comforting.

Pick up the umbrella! Here come the waterworks.

...Sniiiiiiiiiifffffffeeeeeee...

_'Are you crying again?'_

Maybe.

Sephiroth wakes up, his Mama senses are probably tingling, and immediately dives for a hug. I'm too fast, though, and am already face down in the couch, clutching a pillow to my face.

"EMOEMOEMO." That's what my crying sounds like, I swear. Ever since the emo craze that's all crying sounds like. You're either made of steel or emo for showing a little bit of compassion... Labels are for soup cans, dammit.

"Mama?" Sephiroth pokes me in the back with Masamune, genuine concern etched on his features. Elena smacked his hand.

"Can't you see he's depressed?" she whispered, patting my shoulder.

"Wrry?" Sephy-kins asked.

"I don't know. Something about the computer upset him!"

...Sniffle...

"Whawt showd we dew?"

"Chibi-" At this point I've stopped listening, afraid of their plans for me. Now that I am an uncontrollable mess of frowns and tears there may be a chance that I could cancel the chibis out. My negative energy and their chibiness may create an anti-AT field and destroy us all...

_'You need to get out more.'_

Will do.

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I'm not sure what time I fell asleep, all I know that it wasn't dark outside... or inside, for that matter. Alas, my surrounding are pitch black, save for the TV clock. My eyes are red, puffy and stinging from all of the emoness that took place earlier...

Where are the chibis?

When the chibis are missing, as I've come to learn, bad things will happen. I was chibiless when Vexen and Hojo released the snakes... but I was with chibi when I was almost turned into a vampire. Really, it's a lose-lose situation for me.

"Psst." A lamp disguised as Reno... or Reno disguised as a lamp, I can't tell. I look at him with sleep filled eyes.

"What?"

"Not so loud!" he curses, "They're planning a surprise glomping for you. I thought I should give you some warn-"

A dart is sticking out of the lamp's neck, the words 'Sleepy Time ShinRa Inc.' written on the side. Poor Reno's been taken out by the Chibi Mafia... or that statue that looks incredibly similar to Tsneeze.

Oh snap?

_'They're going to kill you with hugs...'_

How do you know that?

_'It's a feeling.'_

The lights flash on; it takes me a few seconds to adjust to the change. Within those seconds several small figures latch onto my body. Damn, I'm being attacked by ninjas again. Perhaps they want my mail...

"SUPER PRETTY PRINCESS HEART ATTACK!"

...Is that Marlene in Chibi USA's outfit? I think it is. That would be the cutest thing ever if a giant heart wasn't heading right for me.

"SNAPPLE CRACKLE STINGRAY!" I scream, jumping over the couch, losing several little people in the process, and run towards the closet. I slam the door and lock it tight. They will not force me to get happy, dammit.

"SUPER PRETTY PRINCESS HEART ATTACK!" Something thuds against the door, I'm not going to find out what. Several more things thud after more cries of SPPHA.

"What the hell are you doing?" I scream, sitting in the fetal position.

"Trying to make you happy! Unhappiness around chibis is like poison!" Tifa's muffled voice comes from the other side.

"She's right, you know." a voice inside the closet says. I twitch, not being able to see my buddy with the lack of light. A paw pats my nose; I look up to see red fur.

"...Nanaki?" I ask, the dog-like creature nods, patting my nose again.

"I've been locked away here for quite some time, child." he says, "Thank you for finding me."

"...Er. You're welcome?" I wasn't really looking for you, Nan, but I'll keep that little bit of information to myself.

Nanaki is very cute chibified; reminds me of my kitty. All of his tattoos have been replaced by abstract shapes and hearts. His scars are considerably less graphic and the flame at the edge of his tale is light purple.

_'Cuuuuuuuute.'_

"Hey, can I hug you?" I ask after a few minutes, "I really need a hug." Tifa's still ranting outside the door.

"What is wrong?" Nanaki asks. He's a considerate chibi, not trying to force me into happiness...

"My girlfriend's staying with her mom and decided to dump me... Oh, and chibis broke my brain... Sephiroth exploded my workplace... Really, I think my sanity meter is below zero. The men in white coats may come to take me away." I know that's a lie. The last time they tried my cousin casted magic missile and obliterated half of Iraq.

"The White Coats cannot handle chibis." the chibi dog explains, "They leave it to the Universe Police." ...So the Universe Police will come and take me away? Peachy.

"You may hug me, child." Yay! I glomp chibi Nan with gentleness. A warm feeling washes over my body; a strange sensation courses through my veins. I feel alive, free, single!

"RAWR, I ARE THE VAMPIRE."

"SNAPE KILLS STEVE IRWIN!" I scream as Vincent latches onto my neck. Nanaki bites his good arm as I burst out of the closet, through the living room, and out a window.

_'Brilliant!'_

I grab the edge of the window just in time to keep from falling. Two sets of eyes are watching me in astonishment.

"MAMA!" Sephiroth shrieks, clutching my sleeve; Elena's attempting to pull me up by my elbow. The busy street below doesn't even notice that a teenager is hanging from a tenth story window. Do people look up anymore? Vincent is still sucking my blood and I'm getting dizzy...

**Wow**, the building's getting taller...

_'Pull yourself up, idiot!'_

Wheeeeeeeeee. Marshmallows!

_'We're going to die.'_

Ya really.

Blood is sliding down my neck, probably staining my clothing. Damn, blood is really hard to wash out. Damn you, Vincent. When I get back inside I'm gonna-

Let go of the window? No, but I did anyway.

_'Kuso.'_

Hey! What happened to the T rated existence?

_'It's in a different language, doesn't count!'_

"Ugh." The ground is coming up fast, although I'm too dazed to notice. Great, I'm going to die. Nobody will ever get to hear my story. Who will feed my dog? What will happen to the chibis? The world may never no.

Not really.

When I wake up I'm back in Reeve's apartment with a cup of tea in my hands. Sephiroth and Elena are sitting on either side of me, Nanaki and Vincent are next to them; we're all sitting before the TV. I think Advent Children is playing...

"How did I...?" I begin, Elena cuts me off.

"Can't tell. It's part of the plan."

"You know," Reno says from behind the couch, "The 'big' one."

Okay, sure.

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Sophia came to pick me up an hour ago, deeming me perfectly sane. Reeve and I will discuss the 'GTFO Chibi' plan tomorrow, because he has work to do today. We're walking home because, ironically, Reeve lives very close to my house. Oh, and Sephiroth exploded my car.

"Conk!" says my head. When my vision goes back to normal I notice a brown ball is sitting just a few feet away. ...It's a coconut... We don't have coconut trees in my town. Too many people have been killed by falling coconuts in the past. More than stingrays, anyway.

"...Where's tha coconut come from?" Sophia asks, poking it with Masamune... What the hell? Does everybody have that damn sword but me?

"I think it fell from the sky..." I answer and rub my head at the same time. I'm talented, hoyes.

"Tha's impossible. Thur ain't no coconut trees 'round here." she states, poking it yet again.

"Maybe a bird dropped it..."

"Like a chacaba?"

"_Chocobos_ don't fly." I answer. I should get a lab coat for being so smart.

"Well, there ain't no big 'nuff birds 'round 'ere to carry a cocanut!"

"Maybe it flew here by itself!" I've seen weirder. Sophia looks at me in mild annoyance.

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"

_**'PIME TARADOX!'**_

OHSHI-

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Ongaku Niji

Nine : End

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A/N: _SHAMELESS ADVERSTISING BEGIN. I'm writing a Kingdom Hearts/FLCL story... with Olette as the main character. It'll probably be up sometime later today... You should read it. It may make you giggle and get the idea of CHIBI SEX out of your head. SHAMELESS ADVERTISING END. I'm probably going to hell..._

_If you think about chibi sex long enough your head will cave in. _

_Heehee... Monty Python. GREATER THAN 3._

In other news, thanks to my reviewers: Rio Masquerade, Thunderstrom101, Moonshine's Guide, Apocolyptical, LittleBrick, and Ladytwist for reviews. Chibi Cait Siths to all!

Next Chapter: Into two digits! The future will be a complete surprise! SURPRISE! Expect the introduction of a few more TURKs and everybody's favorite stupid-bitch-who-chose-Hojo-over-Vincent... I hate Lucrecia.

Review or I'll write you out of existance!


	10. Kurusi :: Niji

A/N: _Remember to check your e-mails, people! I respond to comments if they're asking questions! ...mostofthetime...(if I never answered you that means I think I did)_

_It's not me, dammit! I AM NOT A MAN. ; - ; Though, every OC is just an extension of the author... so, technically, he is me... But I made an appearance in chapter eight! I even gave you guys hints, with my horrible driving and hysterical laughter..._

_**PIME TARADOX.**_

_A **PIME TARADOX **is just Time Paradox written to seem amusing. JENOVA LAUGHED._

_...I've found something incredibly more disturbing than chibi sex... _

_Hojo/Jenova_

_-screams are heard, mostly mine and 'Emie's'-_

_Oh, and about the first part of the story... I really couldn't help myself. It's sort of a glimpse into the many alternate stories I could have written. XD Ongaku Niji is just one of the crackier ones. Kurusi Niji(Medicine Rainbow) was also one of the names I considered(I had a huge list). _

_You'll notice that the first half isn't exactly like Last Order... IT'S AU, LOL._

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Yahoo, Vexen, One Winged Angel, or Square Enix. I, ironically, do not own the 'alter' version of 'Emie'(Sophia: HE'S NAT CAWOL!) Stfu, noob. He's strictly the product of my sugar darlings.

Summary: When a chibi mass-murdering general shows up in our world, what happens? Obliteration by cuteness, that's what...

**WARNING**: Did I mention I hate Lucrecia? If it weren't for her Vincent would have been... like... TURK Vinnie for ever. He would have died TURK Vinnie. TURK Vinnie was really pretty and not a vampire. D : He's one billion times sexier than corpse Vinnie... and we'll never get to see mature, 50-year-old Vinnie! HE WOULD HAVE BEEN A SEXY OLD GUY!

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Ongaku Niji

Kurusi : Niji

aka

Pime Taradox Episode

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Imagine a world where Sephiroth is not a chibi, but a great General who slaughtered hundreds of people in a political war. Zack isn't dead(yet) and they're both on a mission in Nimbelheim to do... Crap, something about a mako reactor.

"Yer stary tellin' skills suck." Sophia states in a cheery tone. Anybody else would be afraid; not me, though. I've gotten used to it.

"Shut up." We had been assigned to watch over two First Class SOLDIERs as they 'do something about a mako reactor', as I so eloquently put it. Recently, about twenty minutes ago, Sephiroth went insane and began stabbitying the villagers and light the town below on fire. The reason Sophia and I are still alive?

Simple: it's our break.

We silently agreed that a nice change of career would be in order. Anything but chasing after this psycho. Currently, Sophia and I are sitting outside of the reactor's entrance, playing a calming game of 'Imagine a world'. I think I lost.

"Where Sephiroth!" A soldier screams while rushing passed us. There's a small part of me that wants to rush after him and scream the direction... but I decided against it. That sword looks really... threatening.

"Ya thank we shald go aftar 'im?" Sophia asks, curiously tilting her head in the direction of the SOLDIER. I shrug.

"Why not?" I stand, dusting the ashes from my dark blue pants; Sophia does the same. Thus we begin our long and horrible trudge to our deaths.

Dammit, I hate stairs.

_'...Sephiroth just cut my head off...'_

At least you don't have to climb up stairs anymore.

_'But I lack a physical body now... What the hell is wrong with him?'_

You drove him nuts?

_'HE WASN'T SUPPOSE TO CUT OFF MY HEAD!'_

Be clearer in your directions next time.

The voice in my head calls herself(himself?) Jenova, I call it annoying. Said voice had started talking to me the night we arrived in this pleasant little village. When I told Sophia she claimed to hear voices as well... but I think they're different kinds. She doesn't have to yell at her voices.

Jenova kept trying to edge me to go up to the reactor and let it out of the pod thing. It also mentioned destroying all of humanity but I don't really pay attention. When the 'Calamity from the Skies' figured out that I wasn't going to help it, it went on to the Great General Sephy-kins. It's nickname, not mine.

Sephiroth spent quite a lot of time in the library of the smelly ShinRa mansion. I was assigned to watch him(from a distance, he threw books at me whenever I got too close) and report on any strange behavior. I met a vampire when I was exploring the rest of the house; Sephiroth moved on to sharp objects and fire. We stared at eachother for a few minutes before I slammed the coffin shut again and screamed.

I can't help but feel that I am responsible for the pillars of smoke that are pouring into the sky. While Sephiroth was muttering something about 'Mother' and I discovered a strange looking Materia. The second I touched it the place went up in flames...

"Sephy-kins!" Sophia yells, stepping over an injured brunette, "stap killin' peaple!"

_'Subtle.'_

Zack and a chocobo-human hybrid are leaking blood from their guts, apparently suffering Sephiroth's wrath like the rest of us.

Hey, is that you he's holding?

_'...Yes...'_

You really are just a head.

_'Shut the hell up.'_

Sephiroth looks at me for a few seconds and mutters something that makes my heart stop.

"...ma...ma..."

"...Wat?" Sophia and I blink in unison.

"Oh snap?" He lunges at us, sword raised and ready to kill. In the blink of an eye he's right above me and I realise that I can't breath. I'm too shell-shocked to look down, but I can feel a stick liquid running down my stomach.

MOTHER FU-

_'Language!'_

Mother... sexual intercourse...er... stabbed me!

_'He does that.'_

Sophia's guns are out and she's almost ready to shoot when Sephiroth knocks her back, stabbing her as well. Way to go, numb nut. I'm sure 'One-Winged Angel' is playing somewhere in the background, I can hear it. I stumble forward, clutching my wound with one hand; the other clutched around my pistol.

"Ba-bas..." I choke, coughing up blood. He looks at me with those creepy, chibi eyes-

Wait.

Chibi?

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"MAMA, BWEAKFAWST IS WEADY!"

I have got to stop eating before bed.

Sephiroth is floating above me, armed with his spatula and chocobo apron. I really don't want to get up, but going back to sleep promises horrors beyond comprehension.

"What'd you make?" I yawn, rubbing the back of my head. Too many knots to count, time to get the scissors.

"Wggs awnd bawcown." he answers with a toothy grin. I don't think I've seen Sephiroth frown since we met... two days ago? Three? Does it really matter any more? The chibis are here and they're never going away.

_'I had a strange dream...'_

Really?

_'Sephiroth killed you and the annoying one...'_

He does that a lot.

I notice that my neck, chest and shoulders are wrapped in bandages. Decide not to ask, continue with morning preparations.

I quietly shuffle to the bathroom, prepared to do my... ahem... 'business'. ...Which begs the question, does any building in Final Fantasy VII have a bathroom? I've never seen one. Do game characters even have bladders? Obviously not, Vincent didn't leave his oddly appropriate coffin for thirty years...

_'But he's a vampire.'_

My mouth forms a little 'o' as I exit the restroom, a chibi clinging to my arm. Sephiroth looks up at me, I stare back nonchalantly. Had he been there the entire time?

_'...Pervert.'_

No chibi can resist me.

_'I beg to differ.'_

The three SHM are still tied up in the fireplace, being watched intently by Yuffie, Nanaki, and Rude. I still have yet to find Rufus, Sophia and I searched for twelve minutes before we went to bed.

Speaking of which...

"Sophia." I call, hoping she hasn't been swissified by Elena's gun. She was the only person that's been keeping me sane. Ironic, considering she was a basket case herself...

"She's here?" My roommate is a ninja, as he has just appeared behind me. I jump just shy of five feet in the air, almost bumping my head against the ceiling.

Almost.

"Er. Yes. She's been helping me with the chibi problem..." He raises and eyebrow.

"Chibi problem?" Apparently, the sane can't see them.

"Project." I can lie my way through anything. I glance over to the fireplace to find that the chibis have gone. They are all hiding somewhere, I know because Yuffie is disguised as a plant and Nanaki as a pillow.

"Uh-huh." he mutters, grabbing his bag and making his way to the door. Thank Jenova he spends little to no time at home. I'd be off to the land of magical juice boxes and nap time if he was.

"Bye!" I wave as he opens the door.

"Hey, I heard your girlfriend dumped you..." he gives me a slightly apologetic look, "You were too good for her, anyway." I could have sworn I saw a smile before the door shut and he was gone. That's impossible, though. My roommate does not smile, ever. He's too emo to smile.

Wait, how did he hear? I haven't told anybody.

_'It's the laws of chibi.'_

Eh?

_'Everybody knows what's wrong with your personal life 24/7 in case they have to make you feel better.'_

...Oh schnäpper?

_'Sssssssh. There's a chibi mafia.'_

"Wat's pappin' suga tappin'?" Sophia asks, entering from the kitchen with a cup of steamy liquid. I'm going to assume it's coffee.

"Nothing really apple peally." I answer, taking the coffee from her hands and downing it in one gulp. Due to my excessive need for the liquid, I have built a tolerance to hot things pouring down my throat.

"Pitter patter, pitter patter." says the roof. Something is running around in the attic, probably rats... or chibis. This tickles my curiosity, as well as Sophia's. We make our way to the unfolding stairs, which is located over my bed. Reno, Rude, and a TURK from Before Crisis, I believe his name is 'Rod', are sitting on my bed, playing cards. I move to pull the string down.

"I wouldn't do that." Reno warns, threateningly taking out his shocking device.

"It's my house." I state in an even tone.

"Boss said not to let anyone in, yo." So that's where the little bugger's been hiding.

"Unless you want to get your asses blast back to the stone age you'll just keep playing cards." I have Sephiroth, I am unbeatable. With that I pull the string down and am up the stairs before they can touch me. Sophia follows closely. Suddenly, I feel the need to smash some heads in.

Rufus is attempting to build a mako cannon with ShinRa soldiers 34-59.

_'He does know that there isn't any mako on this planet, correct?'_

Apparently not.

"Woofus..." I begin, he turns to me with a crazed look in his eyes.

"What do you want!" he growls.

"..." I'm not even going to bother to fight, the force is too strong with this one. Sighing, I turn around and head back into my bedroom. I slam the stairs and lock them tightly. Glare at the three TURKs with anger.

"If he kills anybody I'm sending you all to the Happy Hotel."

"Mwe?" asks my elbow.

"No, Sephiroth. You've gotta protect me from the chibi mafia." Get a grin in response. Sophia, who disappeared, comes in.

"Ya gotta gaest." I nod, heading into the livingroom. Could it be Reeve and Cait Sith?

Nope.

A resonably young, brown haired woman is sitting on my couch, petting my dog. She's wearing a grey-blue buisness suit and a black wrist-watch. The woman looks familiar...

_'Scheiße.'_

You said a _bad_ word.

It's the one woman I would never want to meet in a billion years. The woman who created Sephiroth and caused Vincent to go emo. The reason Vincent was shot and turned into a vampire.

Lucrecia Crescent.

Vincent and I have bonded spiritually over the last twenty-four hours. We both know what it's like to have our hearts broken by the creature with a voide between its leg. They do things that our Y chromosomes couldn't possibly comprehend.

"Hello," she stands and offers her hand, "Reeve sent me to live with you, I'm Lucrecia Crescent."

It takes all my fragile willpower to not toss her out on her ass.

"I'm-" Sophia interupts.

"I'm Saphia, this is ma casin. Ya can call 'im Emie." Typical, the females are already ploting my demise.

_'What?'_

All I heard was 'WE WILL DEFEAT THE MALE'.

_'What the hell are you on?'_

I've come to the conclusion that all women have penis envy.

_'Are you feeling okay?'_

Lucrecia is smiling at me; I really want to smack her.

"RAWR, I AM A VAMPIRE!" Vincent launches himself at me, clamping onto my bandaged neck. Lucrecia sees him and immediantly begins shedding tears.

"Vincent! I'm sorry, we can't be together!" She turns and her shoulders shake. Sorry, lady, he's too attached to me to even notice you. Speaking of which...

"Get him off!" I yell, wrapping my hands on his chibi form. Sophia does the same and we begin to attempt to pull him away.

No such luck.

"Gah! Lat 'em ga, ya bastad!" It doesn't look like we'll get him off before I'm dead from blood loss. Wait, the Universal Power is my friend, and has come up with a solution for this. Vincent begins to glow green and smoke fills the room. I feel two hands digging into my back through my shirt, one of them incredibly cold.

Looks like Vincent isn't a vampire anymore.

The vampire in question pulls away from my neck, now full sized, with eyes full of shock. Blood trails down his lip, for his mouth is open in shock. I swoon and fall, bloodloss taking it's toll(again).

The last thing I hear is the closet door's slam.

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Ongaku Niji

Ten : End

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A/N: _Vincent is no longer a chibi? OH NOES!_

_I DON'T KNOW._

Thanks to Rio Masquerade, LittleBrick, KumikoAnoriko, Moonshine's Guide, LadyTwist, Yami-Echo, Thunderstorm101 and Apocalyptical for reviewing! You get sweets of your choosing and a Chibi!Reno.

_Hee_

Next Chapter: Into the double digits! Our poor narrator has to deal with a real sized Lucrecia as his substitute teacher and the re-introduction of chibi Marlene... who casts an interesting spell.

Review or bad things will happen to you.


	11. Princess Powers :: And Vampires

A/N: _Heh. My mom got Halloween make-up(Halloween chapter to be up on Oct. 31, fo sho) and I took out the diamond red sticky earring(you all know the ones) and stick it to my forehead. Then I got out my black pants and blue shirt and... paraded around the neighborhood as Tsneeze. I even did my hair like his(we have black FRIGGIN' hair spray)._

_You know, just in case you were wondering if I was going to hell._

_To quote Nuva, mah buddy, "You can drive!"_

_No, I can't. But that's never stopped me._

_For those of you who are wondering, I'm going to attempt to post the Halloween chapter at exactly 6:06:06(AM or PM)PST on Halloween. I wanna see if a PIME TARADOX will open and chibis will pour out of my computer screen._

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Voldemort, Apple Jacks, Hercules, Yahoo, Vexen, WalMart, One Winged Angel, or Square Enix.

Summary: When a chibi mass-murdering general shows up in our world, what happens? Obliteration by cuteness, that's what...

**WARNING: **Gay jokes, possibly the reason I rated this story T.

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Ongaku Niji

Princess Powers : And Vampires

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"Vincent, you have to come out of the closet."

_'Ba dum dum pish'_

Shut the hell up.

Vincent has been in my living room closet for the last few hours. In that time the voice in my head has made eighty-nine gay jokes. I'm sure she reused a few by now. ...I wonder if that's the closet that I stuck Hojo in...

Poor Vinnie. I'm sure the embarrassment of his situation is slowly eating away at what's left of his brain. Lucrecia and Sophia are in the kitchen plotting the downfall of the opposite gender. They could also be terrorizing chibis I have yet to discover, I'm too afraid to check.

"Grumble grumble grunt." says the door, or the person behind it, I can't really tell... Should I consider Vincent a person? He's obviously a vampire. Somewhere a pro-vampire person is writing a letter explaining how vampires are people too.

Lies. All lies.

Zack, Rod(_'That right there...'_ ), Reno, Rude, Tifa, Cloud, and Cait Sith are attempting to cut a hole in the wall. It's not working. I don't understand why they don't get Sephiroth -who is playing with my hair- to **MWETEOW** the closet door open...

_'It'd kill the vampire?'_

Nanaki and Elena are sitting on the couch, watching some sort of cop show. I believe they're busting a couple of elderly dealers in the middle of Urbania. I praise our police force for putting away these threats to society. Really. They could have stolen my rims.

The SHM are tied to the ceiling fan.

"I'm not mad at you for biting me." I sigh, "You're not the only chibi here who's caused me bodily harm..."

"Nya?"

"No, Sephiroth, not you."

_'If you're happy and you know it clap your hands.'_

I clapped my hands twice out of habit, chibis are staring at me. I wave, letting my head hit the door with a light thud. Yuffie propels off a rope in front of me.

"Psst," she's trying to be sneaky in that outfit? "I think I found a way to get Vincent back to chibi."

I'm not comfortable with the thought of Vincent back to poking holes in me for his personal blood drive. I look like a complete mummy, wrapped in bandages that I didn't even know I had... Though, he wouldn't be in my closet any-

_'Your closet? Wow. I didn't know you swung that wa-'_

-DAMMIT.

"Cuz, dan't cha need ta get ta class?" The enemy pokes her head around the corner.

...Yes, yes I do. But I have to get Vincent out of the closet first.

_'He'll come out when he's goo-'_

Dear Dad, I dug out my brain with a spoon in an attempt to get rid of the voices...

_'I'll be quiet.'_

Thanks. I really didn't have to want to write a letter. Dad's too technologically disabled to get a computer. We got him one once, my sister, Sophia, and I, but it ended up on fire in a WalMart parking lot.

"-and that's how you do it!" How long has Yuffie-wuffie been talking? I nod slightly, she nods and sets her plan in motion... whatever that may be. I don't think it bodes well for the VAMPIRE. Poor Vincent.

"I don't want to go to school." I answer, Sophia glares at me, as does enemy number two.

"Yar payin' haw mach fer classes?" _Crap_. She's going to give me the same lecture my father gives me every time we see each other. Defense mode, activate!

"I can't just leave the chibis here by themselves! And I can't take," Glance at Sephiroth, "you-know-who with me!"

The glares are crushing me.

_'Voldemort?'_

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My art professor once wanted me to draw my imagination onto a 9x12 piece of cardboard.

I promptly told him to go shove it.

Well, not exactly. I gave him a look that clearly stated 'I-wish-I-could-tell-you-to-off-yourself-without-getting-kicked-out-of-this-required-yet-useless-class'.

Which is the reason I dread going to class. This teacher has it out to get me... Hey, where is the old bat?

"Hello, class."

"AH!" I scream, loudly, causing all eyes to fall on me. Actually, is was in a normal tone, which was probably weirder. The girl next to me, an overly dramatic hippy, pokes me in the shoulder.

"Ya'kay, dude?"

Why yes, Miss Hippy, I'm just fine. Now, never touch me again or I'll bite your finger off. You are the enemy.

"Yeah. Just thought I saw the King of the Underworld." The movie, Hercules, had the best Hades ever. I'll watch it when I get home...

"Okay, dude."

Hiiiisssssssss.

Why did I scream, many may wonder. Lucrecia, the woman that screwed up Sephiroth -who's sitting on my lap- and indirectly killed Vincent is teaching my art class. Ten billion gil says she can't draw or paint. Yes, I have ten billion gil. I played Final Fantasy VII quite a bit...

Screw you guys, I'm going home.

"Sit down." Lucrecia orders. Attempt to stare her down. Fail.

"What?" Deadpan voice for effect.

"Sit down. You're in my class, you'll sit down and pay attention for as long as I have you." she states, tilting her glasses upwards... Why does she have those? To make her look more professional?

_'She's wearing a _lab coat _in an _art_ class...'_

"You don't own him." A student behind me says defiantly. Lucrecia glares at him.

"Sit down." She said it in the motherly tone, the one that could make a cereal killer stop poisoning the Apple Jacks and turn himself in. Twitch slightly, place one hand on backpack.

"_I'll tell Bo_." she smirks when all fight leaves my body. It appears she's forgotten my secret jutsu.

_'We all know what's coming next.'_

Let's say it all together.

_'Okay.'_

_**'"MWETEOW!"'**_

I'm going to start a riot. Who's bringing the pie?

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Sephiroth light the entire room ablaze. How we were able to walk out unharmed is a complete mystery to me. I guess the UP just likes me the best.

_'Sephiroth doesn't like it when "Mama's" hurt, you know.'_

...Huh?

_'I BOUGHT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS-'_

I believe that was a plot point. Damn, missed it.

"Where are we going, yo?" Reno asks from my backpack. How he could fit in there with Rod(_'Heehee.'), _Rude, and Cloud is a complete mystery to me. Did they finally give up on getting Vincent... outside.

_'Nice save.'_

"Reserved a game. Have to pick it up." I answer, Sephiroth tugs on my ear.

"Wat gwame?" he asks, his hair falling over my eyes. Great. Now I'm blind to the side walk before me.

The sound of screeching breaks barely registers in my mind.

"Dirge of Cerberus. I want to see how bulletproof Vinn-"

"Look out!"

_'Wha-'_

**SCREECH!** Car breaks not working.

**THUNK!** Body connecting with metal vehicle traveling at speeds that are surely illegal.

**CRASH!** Car hitting pole.

Lighter **THUNK!** I'm sure that's me meeting the ground.

"Mama!" Red liquid leaking from mouth and nose...

"HOLY SHI-" That's Reno... or Rude... My backpack was thrown half-way across the street during the impact.

**"MWETEOW!"**

I'm not the only one without a car anymore. Haha!

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Hospital food sucks.

Or, at least, it would if I could eat anything. At the moment, however, they have me so doused up on pain medication that I can barely see straight.

The doctor, who looks like Hojo's cousin, says that I have a few broken ribs and a broken arm. He also claims that it should have been a lot worse, but I was lucky. Oh, luck had nothing to do with it. The UP and I are great buddies.

...Those bastards took out my earring.

"Two bizarre fires within ten miles of each other occurred today. One at the community college, the other just after a car hit a pedestrian and a telephone pole. Several ground lines were knocked out because of it..."

Click. Off goes the TV!

"You got hit pretty hard, yo." Reno comments, lighting a cigarette. Isn't that not allowed in a hospital? You know, because it relieves stress...

"You know," Rod begins, "One out of every three smokers eventually die."

Did the other two become immortal?

Aha! I have rendered you speechless!

_'...My brain.'_

Welcome to my world. My chibi infested world.

Sephiroth is crying, and hasn't stopped, since the doctor left. He must think it's his fault... This drugs should not allow the feeling of emotion since they don't allow feeling in the rest of my body.

Damn it all.

Pick up chibi, hug tightly, soak pale green gown in the process. Sephiroth proceeds to cry into my shirt for the next half-hour. Sophia rushes into the room, Tifa, Zack, and Elena struggling to hold onto her coat.

"OH MA GAWD. Areyaokaiwharedasithartarethaytreatin'yaraghthare!" She's crushing me, my broken bones, and Sephiroth. Though, I'm incredibly drugged so I can't really tell.

"I can see rainbows and unicorns when I close my eyes." I answer cheerfully.

"Ya par, par thang."

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Later that night I'm not quite alone(chibis are camping around the room) when I see a bright pink... thing float towards my bed. I cautiously reach for Sephiroth's spatula, just in case I need to smack a giant firely.

I'm in your hospital, killing your bugs.

Or something vaguely memetic like that.

"When I get home I'm going to make a fort of blankets all over my house and refuse to let anybody in." I say absently, I'm sure it's the meds talking. Tseng, who's reading a book, looks over at me for a split second, rolls his eyes, and continues reading. He doesn't even notice my pink heart attack.

"Chibi Marlene Princess Powers!" the pink firefly cries, smacking me with a wand-like object. Several hearts circle my head.

"From this day forward you will promote love and peace among the chibis. No longer will you cause senseless distruction!" she chanted, hiting me several times in a row. I twitch and look up at her.

"This... this ANGST! It's so powerful! My shojo hearts, they doing _nothing_!"

_'Haha! Bring it, biznotch!'_

I have a feeling I'm going to be covered in chibi tears sooner than I thought. Marlene sniffles, tears threatening to fall over her large eyelids.

Pick up an umbrella, here come the water works!

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Ongaku Niji

Eleven : End

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A/N: _OMG. INTERNETS! _D

Thanks to Rio Masquerade, LittleBrick, Kameko Suigami, Skavnema, KumikoAnoriko, Moonshine's Guide, LadyTwist, Yami-Echo, Thunderstorm101 and Apocalyptical for reviewing! You get sweets of your choosing and a Chibi!Woofus.

_Hee_

Next Chapter: Kadaj, Loz, and Yazoo are going around town preaching the word of Jenova. It's up to our heros to stop them. How many of you already know the name of the chapter?

Review or -vauge interwebs threat-.


	12. Jenova's :: Witness

A/N: _I've been depressed. Thursday was my birthday._

_-emo-_

_OMG. I read my replies from the PM's I sent(lolatlovingreviews) and burst into tears. No, I'm not kidding. I was feeling really down, and was only on to check my messages(which I've been neglecting) and spotted the PM replies. They were all encouraging and slightly on the LOLCOFFEE side. Water started leaking from the face, and towards the last one I burst into tears._

_Parents: WHY ARE YOU CRYING? WHAT'S WRONG? HOLY SNAP, ARE YOU DYING AGAIN?_

_Me: -crySOBcry- I'M JUST... SO... -sobCRYsniffle- APPRECIATED!!! -full blown bawling-_

_-somewhere in the back of my mind- _

_"Emie": ...Damn. Why am I always stuck with the crazy ones?_

_Jenova: At least you're not in your mind. Do you know how lonely it is in here?_

_Sephiroth: Mama! 3_

_Parents: ... WTF is wrong with you?_

_Me: -hearts appear in the air, hamster music starts playing-_

_**Oh, and most of the jokes here are stolen from a thread that was created on GaiaOnline several months ago. Not VGcats.**_

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Yahoo, Vexen, Starbucks, GaiaOnline, Windows 98, VGcats, or Square Enix.

Summary: When a chibi mass-murdering general shows up in our world, what happens? Obliteration by cuteness, that's what...

**WARNING:** You know when I said no DoC people would appear? Yeah, I totally lied.

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Ongaku Niji

Jenova's :: Witness

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Hojo-doctor wonders why I have so many wounds on my body. He's thinks I have an abusive boyfriend(he said girlfriend, but I know he what he was thinking). No, sir, I just have abusive chibis. Two abusive chibis with sharp teeth and sharp swords. The objects that people used hundreds of years ago to slice each other up.

_'Teeth?'_

Duh!

Chibi Marlene has disappeared. Tseng, sensing my trouble, muttered 'I do not believe in chibi fairies' and she went 'poof' in a ball of smoke. I looked at him, astonished that he was speaking Engrish. Did he get his translation fixed?

How does one break a translation for a game that had no voice actors until its movie? How does an alien who said not one line in the movie have such an annoying voice?

'Hey!'

"You're cleared to go." A nurse-in-training says from the doorway. I'm sorry, ma'am, what was that? I can't seem to hear you over the sound of pain killers rushing through my veins. Three pairs of chibi hands force my head to nod. The nurse is already gone by the time I'm pushed over my bed by the chibis in question.

So many pretty dots...

"We have to get home, yo." Reno states, throwing a wad of clothing at me. Rod and Rude are attempting to get my hospital booties off. Five more minutes...

_'Your cookies are at home.'_

My name is Sally and I like pretty dresses!

_'...Yes. You need to get home in order to eat them.'_

I like cookies.

In a haze, I stand and begin to remove my gown. A paper bag is thrown over Elena, by the three mini-TURKs. No free show for you, Miss TURK.

What does TURK stand for?

Get dressed, then head towards the land of cookies. That's all I need to think about! Several paramedics rush by, followed by a large amount of forest creatures. The person on the bed looks badly injured.

"What do you suppose happened to him?" I mutter, more to myself than the chibis. Rude, Rod, and Reno are stacked in a trench coat, trying to be sneaky.

Where'd Elena and Tseng go? Sephiroth's sitting on my head, Cloud is in my backpack, which is slung over my good shou- I really... don't want to think about it anymore. The mental images would be too much for my poor psyche to handle.

The trip to elevator is eventful. Reno, despite his role as the top third, kept getting 'lost'. He wandered into several young women's rooms-

_'Can you say "jail time"?'_

-before he made a mistake, and ended up walking in on an older woman getting a sponge bath. I'm torn between feeling bad for him and congratulating the UP at such craftsmanship. Not many people could have come up with that on such short notice.

I kept getting lost, due to Sephiroth's constant misdirection. He pulls my hair in odd directions; I've run into a wall three times so far. Cloud isn't helping, but that's because he hates my guts. Not sure why, he just does.

Elena and Tseng were never found.

Perhaps that bag does more than it should.

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"It had one long horn, one big eyeeeeeee."

"He's gone insane."

Twirling in the rain is fun. Especially in a jacket that was eight billion times larger than me. I think it devoured Elena and Tsneeze.

"Eep!"

'What the hell are you doing?'

"Singing!" I answer, resuming my off-key show. I've finally snapped, as you may have noticed.

You see, Marlene cut off my bangs. All of them. While I was in a drug-induced sleep. The next time I see her, I believe I will have to kill her with a tennis racket. Oh yes, there will be pain.

Probably because Tifa will attempt to kill me. Fortunately, I'm quite a bit larger, and I have Sephiroth.

THE ULTIMATE WEAPON!

Insert hysterical laughter here.

_'...Maybe you're turning faster than I thought.'_

Insert hy- What?

_'Pretty lights.'_

That would be from a car-

Holy drama llama, not again.

The lights are coming faster than they should. I sigh, shut my eyes, and prepare for impact. It's already too late to attempt to escape. Somehow, I don't think the metal will stop in time...

_'Dammit, not again.'_

You're right not again. The laws of physics have just totally been fucked. The car is now twenty-six feet in the air, doing flips that no extreme sportsman could ever dream of. Somewhere in the back of my mind the Voice is sighing in relief.

The car is on fire, but that's okay.

Wait. No it isn't.

"Jesus Christ!" I scream as it lands on the roof of a building and explodes. Sephiroth attempts to tug me towards home, but I'm shocked.

I scream louder when I notice two chibis with blue glow sticks heading towards me, weapons raised.

Sephiroth sees them coming, and says his official catchphrase.

**"MWETEOW!"**

I want to go home.

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"Diwd I dwo gwood mama?" Sip coffee, hand chibi-God a cookie. After Sephiroth obliterated Rosso DA CRIMSON and Azul the whatever we managed to find a snake-free Starbucks. I really need an energy boost. Did I care that two chibis were pretty much dead? No, they were horrible side characters.

Does this mean that Weiss, the emo one, and Shelke are going to show up too? I really don't want a chibi Weiss fighting in my house.

...What if that makes him full-sized?

Oh, foreshadowing.

"Yes, Sephy-kins, you did fantastically." Now make me a sammich.

"Hey, we coulda handled them!" Reno complains.

"But you didn't have to," I reply, "and you have no fact to base that upon."

"Whaddaya mean?!" he complains angrily, sipping the Mocha he and the other two TURKs share. Hey, I'm not rich.

"You never appeared in Dirge of Cerberus. There's nothing to support your conclusion." I sound smart, but am I?

Reno pouts, I smile slightly, giving Sephiroth another jumbo cookie.

The bell rings, three chibis walk in and stop at the register.

"Hello, ma'am," Kadaj is the smooth talker of the group, no doubt, "I require your aid to destroy the planet and have fast-paced battles with a spiky haired protagonist."

"Sure, what do you need?" she hasn't even looked up from her book.

"Have you seen this woman?" He puts a yellow carton, titled Moogle juice, on the counter. Would that go well with my Orgy O's? Jenova's picture is on the side.

'It's not very flattering.'

I'll say.

The woman doesn't even look up and shakes her head. Kadaj frowned.

"Well, would you like to join our religious organization?" Yahoo asks.

"I'm already in a religious organization." she answers.

"Too bad." Kadaj stabs her, leaving blood all over the counter and floor. My eye twitches ever so slightly.

Snap.

"What the hell is wrong with you? You can't go around town stabbing people for no reason!" From this point on I've decided to block out my words, Loz looks like he's going to cry.

'Wow, you've got a mouth on you...'

When I finish my rant I'm huffing, attempting to catch my breath. Kadaj is staring at me, Loz is crying, Yazoo is blinking rapidly.

"'Kaa-san!" they cry.

Brain shuts down in five... four...

A thought hits me.

...three...two...

I still haven't called a carpet cleaner...

...one...

Boooooooop.

_'Goddamn, Windows 98!'_

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Ongaku Niji

Twelve :: End

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A/N: _Orgy O's are the product of my friend's mind, I think._

_Who knows who thought of it first?_

_Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! -crash-_

_Has anybody noticed that I skip a chunk of time between chapters/breaks? I'd like to know what happens during that time..._

_"Emie": Coffee breaks._

_Jenova: The psychiatrist is seen._

_Sephiroth: SoaA is chased with sharp objects._

_Vincent: Dinner is eaten._

_All: ..._

_Vincent: What?_

_All: You spoke... without an emo aura._

_Vincent: BITE ME._

Thanks to Rio Masquerade, LittleBrick, Nuva, KumikoAnoriko, Nanasawa-san140, Moonshine's Guide, BeckyLynn, LadyTwist, Goddessofthewinds, 1wngdngl, Thunderstorm101, Jenova's Fifth, silver chocobo15, Tolkienologist, Yami-Echo, and Apocalyptical for reviewing! You get sweets of your choosing and a Chibi!Rod(AHEHEHEHEHE).

_I'm working on a Hellsing story, staring a vampire and a girl very similar to Emie, except for the lack of voices in the head. Most of you may find it amusing._

Next Chapter: Blink. Blink... Blink blink blink...

Review or the world will implode.


	13. Chocobo :: Attack

A/N: _Happy LATE Halloween!_

_I'm going to post the first chapter on _Deviantart_(don'town) soon, so if you see _Ongaku Niji_ there, don't scream plagiarism. It's me. _

_-snerk- There are two versions of Ongaku Niji, Gold Edition(only available on _Deviantart_) and this one(which I've dubbed ON). After chapter twenty they'll start getting Gold Episodes every five chapters. Don't worry, the original has Kurusi chapters, remember?_

_Elaborate? Yes. Difficult? Hell yes. But I'm still doing it._

_Why am I doing it? I DON'T KNOW._

_LOL._

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Yahoo, Vexen, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE.

Summary: When a chibi mass-murdering general shows up in our world, what happens? Obliteration by cuteness, that's what...

**WARNING**: Ghetto superstar, that is what you are Dirge of Cerberus spoilers.

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Ongaku Niji

Chocobo :: Attack

aka

LOL HALLOWEEN

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I haven't gone trick-or-treating for many years now. Two years, actually, and only because I was out of the country both times. Sophia always forces me to go in an attempt to be more social. I don't get the point of the holiday. Couldn't I just buy candy at the store?

The house is in view... oh god, I hope I changed addresses when I wasn't looking. My house is not my house. My roommate is standing outside in pure shock, his bag and books lying carelessly on the ground. The walls are bleeding and covered in webs, fog is drifting around the area, there's a coffin on the roof...

"What the hell did you do?"

"Obviously, I have an alter-ego with a mother complex."

_'Haha.'_

"Kukukukuku!" Jesus... is not with us, leave a tone after the message... I'm going to have to read that joke a few more times to process it correctly.

Sophia's wearing a cat girl costume and flying... on a broom, probably built by the Mad Scientist Twins. She's heading right for me, yet I can't seem to move. If she hits me, what will Sephiroth do?

_'I'll take a guess.'_

Please, don't.

Lucky for my sanity, Vincent flys out of the coffin and pushes me out of the way. Sophia flys on by, accidentally picking up Rod, Rude, and Cloud(breaking the trend, one chibi at a time). Sephiroth stabs Vincent's ankel with a Halloweened-up Masamune, complete with a bat key chain. Where he got it, nobody knows.

"Thanks..." My roommate is twitching slightly, staring at Vincent.

"Is that-?"

"Ya."

"Really?"

"Rly."

_'No way.'_

"Wai."

It takes me a few minutes to realize that that voice was in my head. Dammit! Stupid Voice. Roommate pokes Mr. Vampire with a pencil.

"How?"

"There's a portal of chibi in the basement. Final Fantasy VII chibis, and Vexen, have been driving me insane for the last few days." The look on Roommate's face? Fifteen years of shock therapy. "Sephiroth killed Lucrecia, two characters nobody cares about, and my table. Reeve lives in a fancy apartment and I got hit by a car." The look on Vincent's face? Clearly, eight more years in the coffin.

Summing up the last week of terror and chibi in a small paragraph? _Priceless._

Sophia's circling the house like a bird of prey. She doesn't even have any prey to prey on. The Roommate seems to have shut down completely. Tseng falls from the sky, a parachute opens and he lands safely. Great, now where's the other one?

Zack springs out of the ground with a plate of bat cookies. I take seven and give them all to Sephiroth. I have my mints to devour over the next year.

...Did Zack just come out of the ground?

Never mind, thinking is starting to really hurt.

_'Fufufufu.'_

Another plot point?

_'Yup.'_

Kuso.

_'Japanese now?'_

All the cool kids are doing it.

_'Don't you mean 'sugoi'?'_

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We're going trick-or-treating.

Tifa is a police officer, Yuffie is a ninja, and Cloud is a fairy. Yes, I got to pick out the costumes. Zack and Nanaki are chocobos. But not just any chocobos, oh no, green chocobos. I don't think there is such a thing as green chocobos... Oh well.

I can't tell the TURKs apart, it's just impossible. They're all dressed as Tseng... Tseng refuses to participate in such childish activities, so he's at home keeping the MST in check. The silver trio are dressed as their favorite big brother, Sephiroth. Really, we're about as original as fruit flavored Cheerios(1). They're only allowed to go because Sophia scares them.

_'I thought they wanted to be close to 'mother'.'_

Me? Sophia made my costume while I was gone. Who am I? TURK!Vincent. The vampire in question is himself, because it's the only thing he can pull off. Roommate decided that we're all crazy and is staying at his aunt's house.

Sephiroth is me. _No explanation is needed._

The evening is going mildly well, Sephiroth only MWETEOW'd one house that deserved it. Handing out freaking pencils on freaking Halloween. Vincent is traveling a safe distance away from us, Sophia must scare him too. There's a point where Cloud has to be restrained, but we don't talk about it. Like I said, the evening is going smoothly...

There's always an 'until' in this story.

"Vincent Valentine." Stop, twitch at Vincent. It's time to play the Tsviet guessing game! Two of our contestants have already been eliminated, and one is non-eligible. Who is it? Ten seconds to answer!

_'Weiss?'_

Buzzer noise!

_'...Buzzer noise? What the hell?'_

It is indeed our very own Nero the Sable!

_'...Sephiroth was a cooler villain.'_

Well, kweh to you then.

Like Vincent, Nero is incredibly non-chibi. I bet he'd be cuddly as a chibi, all chibis are cuddly. Vincent withdraws Cerberus from his cloak, I silently hope there are no long chats.

"We meet again-" And here's the speech. Shouldn't he be bugging Weiss?

**WAIT.**

If Hojo's still alive then he couldn't possibly posses Weiss, which means that Weiss doesn't need to harass Vincent. So, why is Nero bothering him?

This is a world of _chibi_, nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing made sense to begin with

Weiss is going to release his emo corner, I must stop this now.

"Sephiroth?" I pat my chibi friend on his head.

"Mama." He smiles brightly.

"That man is very bad." I feel like a bitch. "He's going to hurt uncle vampire."

"Swo?" Obviously, I am God. Sigh.

"I'd feel bad if uncle vampire got hurt-"

"MWETEOW!"

Cue the fire, mess, screaming, and _death_.

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I still haven't found Elena.

Does it really matter? Tseng popped up, she will too. Hopefully. Sephiroth's **MWETEOW** has an odd effect on non-chibis who are suppose to be chibi. You see, Nero the Sable is now Nero the Chibi Sable. Why it doesn't have the opposite effect, I will never know.

Yup, Sephiroth turned Nero into a chibi... but he can't quite wrap his mind around it.

Does this mean Lucrecia's a chibi too?

"Put me down you -censored for legal purposes-!" Such bad language. Sophia pulled a bird cage from_ somewhere _and trapped the poor Sable... I really wish I knew what a Sable is. Is it the table's Japanese cousin? Must look it up later.

This is incredibly out of character... Wreck hell I shall.

The problem with Neroweebu being chibi is that Vincent got caught in the blast on accident. I had to tie him up and turn him into a vampire necklace. Abusive, blood-sucking bling. Good thing I had duct tape. Duct tape fixes everything. I'm sure it Could have fixed the Lifestream is ShinRa had enough of it.

"Wow, look at all this candy!" Yuffie is going to get diabeetus is she eats all that... I'm allowed to make that joke, grandpa's a diabeetuc.

I'm going to hell.

Sephiroth has already inhaled his bag of goodies. I have a feeling I will get no sleep tonight. Vincent's trying to chew through the duct tape. Kweh! Just try, nothing can break the omnipotent tape of the gods!

Except for the **scissors of Satan**!

Haven't been getting enough sleep. Now is the best time to poke at Nero.

"My darkness is too deep for you, woman." Why does everybody think I'm a woman?

_'That may be my fault.'_

"Darkness. _-poke- _Do you need a flashlight?" I think he's attempting to light my head on fire with his mind.

"Crash!" Holy onomatopoeia comes from the basement, but somebody outside screams.

Cripes.

What would Halloween be without a boss battle?

Sigh loudly, grab Sephiroth, exit house, grab tennis racket, _just in case_.

"WARK!" Holy crap, it's a chocobo. We all know how this is going to end, but it's a freaking CHOCOBO. I bet it's looking for Cloud. Does it really matter anymore?

San.

_'Ni.'_

Ichi.

**"MWETEOW!"**

The smoke clears, the giant chocobo... survives?! We're all going to die.

_'I don't think so...'_

Oh Jenova, Sephiroth is glowing. Wings extending... Crap, he's going One Winged Chibi on our asses.

This _can't_ be good.

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Ongaku Niji

Thirteen :: End

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A/N: _I noticed that Dirge of Cerberus is basically, Hojo trying to take over the world... via Interwebs and mind controll. Tis the only reason I enjoyed the game._

(1) Don't own. I saw a magazine add where they were advertising, you guessed it, fruity Cheerios. I demand Fruit Loops sue, Phoenix Wright can defend.

_Ohmyjenova. I just rented(I'mpoor) FFXII... I really, absolutely loved Reks... he looked like Raiden(MGS). You'll all notice that I put this in past tense. -smilesmilesmile- Vaan was okay too, but Balthier is a freaking PIRATE. WHAT'S COOLER THAN A PIRATE? NOTHING. Except for Sephiroth(made me say that). I hate Ashe though. She scares me, and isn't nearly as likeable as the other FF heroins. Hell, I like Riona better than her, and we all know I hate Riona. If you didn't, now you do. ...Actually, I just disliked FF8 as a game. Kweh._

_...Vaan is jailbait. I can already feel the many yaoi pairings being typed up as we speak. Nothing against yaoi, SoaA is a supporter of all fanfictions whether they be boy love, girl love, or just love. I'm just praying for no ReksVaan... Incest is not cool... outsideofthefamily. THERE, I MADE THE JOKE. -runs like hell- Poor kid... I ARE THE PROUD SUPPORTER OF VAANELO! ...I made myself giggle... This game has put me in better spirits. -two thumbs up-_

_Love Penelo. She's a q-t 3.14(if you get this joke you get eight jillion gil)._

_THOUGH NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WOULD MAKE GOOD CHIBIS._

I'M SHORTENING THE NAMES BECAUSE I'M LAZY AND I THINK WE KNOW EACHOTHER WELL ENOUGH NOW.. Thanks to Rio, LBrick, Kumiko, Moonshine, Lady, Thunder, Tolkienologist, Yami, Nansawa, Dragoness, Kameko, Yargy, Sephiroth'sSister, and Apocalyptical for reviewing! You get sweets of your choosing and a Chibi!Nero.

Next Chapter: The battle of the century. Weiss VS Sephiroth. Are they chibi? Kweh! Let's rock!

Review or OH SHI-


	14. Double :: You

A/N: _I DUNNO._

_I was at Six Flags(don't own) for Fall Rally(don't own) on Saturday(about two weeks ago), all day. WAHOO, DISTRICT 28 IN DA HOUSE. That's the reason I haven't updated. Ever since I got back I've been in a funk. Ugh. I r sick._

_...HEY KEY CLUB, HOW DO YOU FEEL?_

_I got my lip pierced, too. Sooooooooo._

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Yahoo, All your Base, Vexen, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE ME.

WARNING: Probably more DoC spoilers. I don't like Weiss, he looks like a lion-stingray hybrid... This is true.

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Ongaku Niji

Double :: You

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Today I broke my record of consecutive days I've been alive.

There's somebody riding the giant chocobo. It's hair appears to be engulfing its head... which probably means it's Weiss... Or Veiss, as it's pronounced. Damn Germans and their limited knowledge of the wonderful letter that is double-you.

I can't quite recall the existence of chocobos in DoC. A giant chocobo fighting Chaos would have been kick ass. He'd probably complain the entire time... or quit.

_'It's gonna crush joo.'_

Quickly maneuver away from giant chicken. I'm tempted to summon the soul of Colonel Sanders. He'd probably re-die of joy.

Sephiroth takes to the sky, slicing away with Masamune. Weiss jumps off the chocobo, armed and ready to battle. Despite his better graphics, Weiss lost to Vincent Valentine, and is going to be no match for the One Winged Angel-Chibi hybrid. Sephiroth is the cooler villain. I almost feel bad for him.

Almost. That bastard was not worth eight hours of horrible game play.

_Damn_ you, Square.

The chocobo lunges forward, obviously intending to step on my house. Now, that just won't fly with the chibis. It's their base of operation. Cloud and Zack burst from the roof... Looks like I'm going to have to call a repair man in the morning. Does my insurance cover chibi damanges?

Probably.

Choco tips over, warking loudly as he began to fall into a playground that used to be a road. Construction works fast here, doesn't it? Weiss jumps off and attacks Sephiroth, who attacks right back. It's going to be a long night.

Swing swing! CLANG! Swing clang swing! Various other combinations.

I want to go to sleep.

The chocobo is down and out, I can hear bickering from the playground. Zack wants to cook it, Cloud thinks it'll make him a cannibal. I may have misunderheard him, but it would totally be cannibalism.

_'Lyke, 2taly.'_

How can someone leet speak in real life?

Can I really hear this voice in my head?

...My brain hurts.

Why are Weiss and Sephy-kins fighting? For what purpose do they swing those swords around? Sephy-kins twitches slightly, stopping mid-air, and does the one thing he knew best.

**"MWE-"**

Weiss slams him into the ground, probably breaking a few chibi bones in the process.

Okay, _that's_ it.

In one smooth motion I grab the little dictator by his hair and begin shaking him violently. It worked on the Silver Trio...

"What the hell is wrong with you?! Do you have any idea how much more of a bad ass he is?! Snarl! Rant! SNARL!" There's very high doubt that I'll ever become a father. My hair is shadowing my face, my right eye is twitching, and I think I'm shaking him too hard. Could I be sued for chibi abuse? I make the mistake of looking down.

Weiss blinks up at me, giant chibi tears threatening to fall.

_'You have really bad luck.'_

I let my guard down for a split second, and that's when he strikes. All I see is the world flashing by me as I hit the ground with a dull thud. Again. I move just in time to avoid another attack. A giant **MWETEOW** flies above my head... almost lighting me on fire.

Jesus Christ on a bicycle!

Sephiroth returns triumphantly from... somewhere, ready to finish this.

Was he getting cookies?

Thus begins the battle of the century.

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One month later... Actually, twenty-two days, but who's really counting?

The last month was relatively boring. Sephiroth and Weiss have been fighting since Halloween night, and have formed a mini-war in the city of-

Crash! Boom!

Another car, gone. I really hope it was Sophia's. Nobody should have given that woman a license. Sophia has pretty much moved in, occasionally leaving the house for work, though I don't know where to. Personally, I think she's a secret agent working for Rufus to keep tabs on Avalanche.

Cloud's sitting on the table, a mini war helmet impaled on his blond spikes. Zack and Tifa forced him to help Sephiroth. They, along with Yuffie, Nanaki, and the Silver Trio are attempting to end this war quickly. They haven't helped much at all. In fact, I'm sure it would be over sooner if Yuffie hadn't sent Shelke up the bomb.

On Weiss' side? Well, Shelke, Nero(how he got out is beyond me), the newly resurrected Rosso DA CRIMSON and Azul. Along with quite a few Deepground soldiers. Would they leave if I turned the sprinklers on?

My living room was turned into a ship brig... or bridge. Sephiroth is sitting in a captain chair, twirling around. Zack and Cloud are at the button area, pretending to do something important. Yuffie is riding Nanaki, prowling for... things. They're all wearing American military gear. Are we even in America?

_'Maybe.'_

Like you would know.

Crash!

"What happen?" Sephiroth lost his cute voice. I feel a parody coming on.

"Somebody set us up the bomb." Zack replied. A monitor dropped from the ceiling.

"We get signal." Cloud stated, poking some more buttons.

"What!" I'm actually tempted to run outside screaming, but that would get me shot.

"Main screen turn on." Weiss' face appeared on screen. Just what I needed.

"It's You!!" Tempted to drink all the pain away.

"How are you gentlemen!!" Here it comes.

"All your base are belong to us."

"Snap!" That be the sound of me losing my mind.

Scream, loudly, and throw everything in every direction imaginable. This will end. I will end this chapter here.

Not really, but ok. I think it's about time to OD on some Nyquil.

This concludes today's notes.

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When I wake up I am faintly surprised that my room is back to normal. Perhaps they're trying to fool me into a false sense of security. That's when they strike. Sophia's hysterical laugh is not filtering through the halls.

Cautiously, I walk through the hall into the living room, tennis racket raised.

Nothing.

Check the rest of the house, look in places where chibis should be hiding. They're not here. There's no trace of the chibis or Sophia. Hell, I can hear Roommate's typing from his room. There's no sounds, my kitty is sitting on the computer chair, dog is on his couch.

The voice in my head has made no comments. There is no blood, no gauze, no vampire bling.

"Sephy-kins?" I called through the house, Roommates typing stops for a split second, before continuing.

Pinch self to make sure I'm not dreaming.

This can't be...

Are they gone?

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Ongaku Niji

Fourteen :: End

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A/N: _OHEMGEE! Cliffhanger! Who knew?_

_Hey, Apocolyptical, have you read Yargy the Pirate Queen's fanfiction, Child's Play? You'll die laughing, I swear, because Sephiroth actually does hold up a WalMart, or something to that effect. Now, I could have done this in PMs, but I srsly love that story._

_-sniff-_

Thanks to all my reviewers! Apocolyptical, unknown fan(doesn'tlovemeenoughtosignin), Tunderstorm101, KumikoAnoriko, Nanasawa-san140, Yargy the Pirate Queen, DragonessWarrior, Skavnema, LittleBrick, Moonshine's Guide, Raos(WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE GUILD, RAOS?!?!!), 1wngdngl, Devil follower, nanashi, Yami-Echo, Shibuya on and Angle, and my favorite reviewer of all time, Rios Masquerade! Chibi!Cloud in fairy outfit for all!

Next Chapter: Return to normalcy? View Emmie's life as it was originally!

Review or bloody rock will be what they describe as the 'weapon'. -wink-


	15. A Cat is :: Fine Too

A/N: _You know the Card Captor Sakura episode where Sakura fights Yue for the first time? That's what I was watching when I wrote this._

_Don't worry, this fic won't end for quite a while. And even if it does there'd be a sequel._

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Yahoo, Vexen, Starbucks, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE ME.

**WARNING:** This is one of those philosophical episodes. Don't be fooled, there will still be funny, but you have to suffer through the emo first.

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Ongaku Niji

A Cat is :: Fine Too

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They're gone. They're _gone_. Holy shibuya on an angel they're gone!

I think I'm going to cry. I miss them all ready. Sure, they caused general chaos, confusion, and death, but they were _my_ headaches, dammit!

Maybe I went insane. Perhaps it was all a dream, I'll never really know now. Is this a dream? Will I get some teenager to write a fifteen chapter fanfiction on my chibi adventures? I silently get dressed and do my business, incredibly tense. They could pop out of anywhere at any time.

There isn't any breakfast and the table hasn't been asploded. The building of dishes and coffee pot are still there. Don't bother touching it, Zack will clean it up...

I think I'll go to class.

"I'm leaving." I say in a louder-than-normal voice, so Roommate will hear me, but the wheelchair ninjas will not... I'm still calling him 'Roommate'. Weird.

They day is nice and cold, being December and all. I can't remember anything but the chibis, so they were real. Maybe. I sigh, loudly, opening the car door. It's not full of bobbing chibi heads. No heads at all, in fact, except for mine. Haven't had the best luck with cars, better walk.

No Sephy-kins yet. My hopes are still high. Pass my work, still intact and snake free. Madison is getting yelled at by the boss for some reason. I bet he'll be sent through another round of sexual harassment training. Juilian is apologizing to a large woman in a pink sweatsuit. She most likely changed her mind mid-drink and blames him for getting it wrong.

Just as I set to the curb a strangely familiar car whips by, strange cackles follow in its dust. I barely flinch. Life without chibis isn't nearly as interesting as life with chibis. Though, it is incredibly less lethal.

Wait for light to change, walk another block dazed.

Why would my subconscious replace the last few months of existence with chibi propaganda? ...Snerk. T-rated existence. Wait for a few seconds, no reply from the Voice. I'm going to cry if something doesn't happen soon.

I'm able to enter the university with an air of calmness around me. There are no chibis to worry about, but I'm still worried about them. They have me trained... or I have myself trained. Mental note: Visit a psych-ward in the near future. I sigh, plopping down in my seat, a fellow student approaches me.

"Are you okay?" she asks, patting my shoulder. I look at her, on the verge of tears only not. I'm such a drama llama.

This would be a good place to put a gay joke, but I have no Voice in my head, so there isn't one.

"He's completely fine!" Another girl stands next to me. She looks familiar.

"I'm fine." She looks quite concerned. Probably a club president. She takes a seat next to me as more students shuffle in. What the hell? Does she think comforting me will get her laid? The other girl sits on the other side of me, glaring at the woman.

Another gay comment would be good here.

_Sigh._

Barely pay attention to the professor's teachings. I doubt it'll be on the test. The girl next to me keeps glancing at me like I'm going to disappear or something. She seems so familiar, but I can't quite place it. Too much pink and silver, can't think(1).

Class ends quickly, too quickly. The professor probably had a date with another 'A' student. He always does. The girls follow me out of class and into the student area. One's frowning at me like a disappointed mother frowns at her child, the other is grinning like a cat. It's really creeping me out.

Walk faster, they speeds up.

It's only a matter of time before we end up in a quiet, secluded area... which is exactly what happens. I maneuvered my way into an empty pathway.

"Mari-" I whirl around, almost tripping.

"What?" I snap, clutching my bag tightly.

_"Stop being so emo."_ The other girl looks like me, that's where I've seen her..

_"Not even half of the chapter."_ Her voice sounds so familiar...

"There isn't much time, Mari-" The student is still frowning at me... she looks incredibly similar to...

_"Don't bother, there isn't anything you can do!"_ Female-me states, clinging to my arm.

"...How come you're not chibi?" I ask, plainly ignoring her question, "And no, I have no idea what I was suppose to learn." I wasn't aware this story had a moral.

"You're in danger," she explains, "Jenova is going to be resurrected if we don't hurry."

"Is it because you're dead?" I guess. This reeks of major plot development

"There's a way to stop it but we must act-" The entire world's gone loony.

"No, Zack's dead and he's quite an adorable chibi."

_'Wakie wakie, eggs and bakie!'_

Ding!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mama, bweakfast is weady!" So, it was all a dream. Wow, what a way to give a guy a heart attack. Twas so realistic, too.

_'G'morning, sunshine.'_

Sephiroth is staring at me with those giant chibi eyes. It takes me three seconds to completely flip out and crush him with a hug. Sephy-kins is thoroughly confused, but hugs me back all the same. I'm a crying mess but it doesn't matter. My heart attacks are still here!

The chibis are back!

Does this mean I'll change my personality greatly and actually do something for a change? No, but it was fun to see how boring my T-rated existence would be without the chibis. Thank god for Nyquil. I dress and walk to my new table, grabbing one of Cloud's pancakes on the way.

"So, what happened with the War?" I ask, Tifa looks up at me.

"Weiss was struck by a WEAPON ShinRa was developing. He's been transported somewhere..." she states thoughtfully.

"Like China?" I venture.

"Like Mars." Vexen grumbles something about stupid blond pretty boys. Zack and Sephiroth are serving food, the Turks are eating said food, Vincent is tied a door, Yuffie is munching on a mango, Nanaki is chasing a ball of yarn around.

**"MWETEOW!"** Something is on fire.

I'm just _happy_ my chibis are back.

All is right with the world.

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We're playing a game of Poker, which really sucks because I don't know how to play. So far, Reno has won all of my money and now holds the house keys. Tsneeze isn't going to let him keep it, but it's still fun to play. Zack is trying to teach Cloud how to cook. He almost burnt the house down with Easy Mac. I'm not sure he can fail any worse than that.

Sephiroth is sleeping on my head, a little snot bubble flying out of his nose. He's muttering something about reactors.

Still haven't found Elena. I think we should organise a search party. Sophia bursts through the door, yelling in a language I've never understood.

"It's here!" she squeals, grabbing and twirling me around. "In all it's glary, it's finally here!"

"What?" I ask, huffing as she twirled me again.

"Our Tree!" I'm a practicing atheist, what the hell is she talking about? Lights can be seen from the doorway.

She drags me outside to gaze at the spectacle that is America's national Christmas tree. Which means she probably stole it from somebody. The police won't send her to jail, simply on the principle that she'll drive everybody insane.

It's so... pretty.

Chibi Barret flies from a branch, shooting like crazy at a not so bling vampire.

It's going to be an interesting month.

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Ongaku Niji

Fifteen :: End

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(1) This is the point where you should have realised it was Aerith and Jenova. This is her way of reaching people, kinda, and Jenova is stuck in Emmie's head. I'm subtle.

A/N: _We all knew it wasn't going to last._

Thanks to all my reviewers! Apocolyptical, Thunderstorm101, KumikoAnoriko, Nanasawa-san140, Yargy the Pirate Queen, Skavnema, LittleBrick, Moonshine's Guide, 1wngdngl, Devil follower, nanashi, Yami-Echo, Rios Masquerade, and everybody who would have reviewed but couldn't because of this -quick- update! Chibi!Tifa for all!

Next Chapter: Return of the silliness.

Review damn you!


	16. The :: Return

A/N: _I got a jar of diiiiiiirt! I got a jar of diiiiiiirt! And guess what's inside it!_

_BET YOU DIDN'T EXPECT THIS. _

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Vexen, Scooby Doo, Nyquil, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE ME. Sophia, Emmie, and Roommate © Shibuya on an Angel.

**IMPORTANT: Yami-Echo(beloved reviewer) has asked me to ask you to help. Basically, we're asking to have a clearly homophobic and racist user IP banned. The full reason is below, but I'd like to get in my two cents. The majority of the users on this site like/tolerate yaoi and a lot of them are young. If you don't like yaoi that's perfectly fine with me, just don't go around bashing people about it on a site that _banned_ NC-17 ratings because of younger users. We understand your views, just chose to ignore them. In other words, bite me.**

Original Petition: _I'm sorry to have to post this up to people; I just think this is an issue that NEEDS to be sorted out._

_I'm quite sure a few of you have seen or heard from friends, of the monstrous stories entitled "Yugiangst" and "choclate adventure" by "yugiexyamihawt111". Both of these are badly written, make fun of the YxYY pairing and all homosexuality in general, and now, me and my partner have come to realize exactly WHO is doing this._

_Wel Zen is known for his aggressive homophobia, and has made insulting stories towards Gravitation, Naruto, and even the bible, and has a clearly read hatred towards yaoi fangirls, and we have some small proof that Zen and the author named above are the same person. Both are very homophobic, and both have made stories which insult homosexuality AND yaoi fangirls. One reviewer also called yugiexyamihawt111 "Zen" in a review, telling HIM (the author known as yugiexyamihawt111 is supposedly a girl, UNDER 13) that he has hit an all time low._

_The fact that this person is cowardly enough to do this, to make fun of homosexuality in such a way, and the fact that hasn't done ANYTHING, though he has been reported on BOTH names several (I'm sure) hundred times, I've decided to ask; PLEAD, for your help._

_I'm making a petition to the owners of to get this person off the site. The author's disgusting works and the fact that they've been flamed and reported so many times has lead me to believe that staff and owners do not care about this matter. I want to make them notice. So, if you agree with me, and would like to help me with this matter, could you either reply to this post, or PM me confirming your support, so that I may add your pen name to the list of authors who want this person off the site._

_I'm sorry to bother you for this matter, but it is something of DIRE importance to me. I think that many of you may agree with me. We don't need to take this on this site. is a high quality site that the owners and staff should be proud of, and we need to preserve what the brilliant creators and staff have made for us. Racism and homophobia shouldn't be able to be mixed with what some authors pour their souls into, so please, help me win this fight._

_Thank you so much for reading this, even you don't support what I'm standing for._

_Yami-Echo_

Now, back to your regularly scheduled fic. If you'd like to have this removed, help the cause. This will appear in every chapter of my story, no matter what.

**WARNING:** Back to the silliness. Sorry, I got the plot out of my system... for now. I'd like to point out that I make fun of Emmie being homosexual himself, but that's simply because I love antagonising him(he's totally gay, anyway. Emmie: I am not, dammit! Me: I'm the creator, whatever I say goes). I'm not making fun of homosexuality itself, just him.

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Ongaku Niji

The :: Return

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There are little people in a tree, which is in my front yard. I think they're building bird houses. Funny, because all the birds flew south for the winter. Not that they'd feel safe with Zack's cooking preferances and Barret 'Bulls-eye' Wallace.

I'm making brownies, though. Brownies are good and warm and chewy and on fire- Jesus!

Scratch that idea and go into the living room. Leave the chibi firefighters to deal with it. Reno looks bad in yellow, somebody that's not me should tell him that. I'm not sure how to break the news to him. Speaking of news...

_"Today several disfigured dolls covered in blood and glitter were discovered on the outskirts of-"_ I now know what happened to the Tsviets. Sephiroth is... rather violent, if I do say so myself.

_'I'm proud of him.'_

**You** would be.

Plop down next to Roommate, who has overcome his fear of chibiness, and change the channel. That was way to depressing for eight o'clock in the morning. I shouldn't even be up this early. Ugh, where's my Nyquil? Remember, best sleep you ever got with your chibis medicine. Roommate grunts something about school, we're both too lazy to get up.

I swear the chibis are sucking our energy. Then I realise that Sophia's jumping around like a lunatic, so she must be the fiend. I'm too tired to do anything about it.

_'You're a lazy ass.'_

Women are the enemy. Learn to love the bomb!

_'...What?'_

Vincent flies over my head, smacking against the wall. Barret shoots a Vincent-sized hole around him. He has yet to tell us why he's chasing the vampire wannabe. Tifa assumes it's something important. Yuffie flies by on Nanaki's back. Apparently, they're trying to get Barret to stop. What's the point? Whatever he doesn't shoot will end up on fire anyway.

I really miss my kitty.

"We should do something." Roommate states, pushing his glasses up his nose. I keep my eyes focused on the TV, maybe he'll stop thinking if I do.

"Em, did you hear me?" Dammit.

"Do what?" I ask, sighing and changing the channel yet again. Smoke is drifting from the kitchen, but it's not black smoke so we don't worry. Hell, even if it was black smoke we wouldn't worry. Chibi firefighters are the best.

"I don't know," he grumbles, slumping further into the couch. Oh, we're couch potatoes

"Haw abat we ga ta tha park?" Sophia suggests, fanning the smoke back into the kitchen and sliding the curtains shut.

"Too much work." Roommate and I reply simultaneously. I heard that when one lives with someone for a long time one starts acting like the other person. That must be boring. A crash from upstairs, Rufus' muffled swearing is heard. I guess his WEAPON isn't working.

Ha_ha_.

Vincent latches onto my arm, I twitch as he begins to suck. I've become wise, though, and now wear thick sweaters. Too bad for him- OW!

His teeth are sharper than they look. Ow. Quickly scrape chibi off with a spatula and deposit him into the air. Vincent flies around my head for a moment before flying off again. That guy has serious issues and should see a chibi psychologist.

"We need to do something. I'm sure our bodies will fuse with the couch if we keep this up." Who says they haven't already? I sigh, grab Roommate's arm, and slump forward. I have the perfect idea.

Where's my tennis racket?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Alright, men," I begin, pacing in front of my -literal- mini army, "We have a missing Turk. She's been gone for several chap- I mean days, and we must find her at all cost. Do you hear me?!" I slap my tennis racket against my hand for affect. Ow. They salute, yelling a quick 'Yes sir'.

"Move out!"

Confused about what's going on? Well, Elena's been missing longer than I expected. I've finally gotten off my ass and decided to do something about it. We leave no man- woman- chibi behind... for long, man! Sephiroth gets in his mini tank and drives away, leaving a nice track in my carpet. Zack and Cloud are experience SOLDIERs, they should be able to find her no sweat.

The other Turks? Well, they're still putting out the kitchen fire at this point. It's only been twenty minutes. Tifa has a Sherlock Holmes outfit on, Nanaki is Watson. Tifa's helping Barret look outside... while hunting down Vincent as well. Roommate, Sophia, and I are taking the basement, then the attic. I don't trust the chibis not to get roped in with the bad crowd. Roommate has a jar of dirt clutched in his hands, I'm not sure why.

Hey, where the hell are the Silver Trio? Cripes...

I slowly turn the basement doorknob and pull the door open. No explosions yet. I lightly descend the stairs, Roommate and Sophia follow closely. I feel like I'm reenacting an old episode of Scooby Doo.

A blue light is illuminating the normally dark room. Vexen is sitting in front of a giant computer, Hojo is poking at the light with a stick. Suddenly a tentacle monster begins pulling itself out of the light. Roommate, Sophia, and I scream as loud as humanly possible and rush back out the stairs. If Elena's down there she's on her own.

So much for leaving no chibi behind.

The trek to Rufus' base is pleasant, as we only have to go up one flight of stairs. I pull down the attic stairs with confidence. This confidence is quickly zapped away as a bullet flies by my head. Don't bother looking for Elena, slam the door shut, shuffle into the living room. My army is standing there, disappointed looks all around.

"Anything?" I ask, slightly hopeful. I prey to every deity I can think of that she wasn't eaten by the tentacle monster. They shake their heads in sync, I sigh in defeat.

"This sacks." Sophia states, stalking into the kitchen where the chibi firefighters are attempting to put Reno's ponytail out. That brings my spirits up ever so slightly. Roommate puts a bracing hand on my shoulder, music is playing the the background.

"Don't worry, we'll find her." A cherry blossom floats by, I look out the window dramatically. Snow begins to fall.

"I hope you're right."

Six hours later I'm in bed, asleep. At least, I think I'm asleep when I feel a pair of arms wrap around my waist and another body press against mine. Somebody whispers something into my ear. I nod absently, burrowing further into the covers. A snot bubble is floating out of Sephiroth's nose.

_'Rape! RAPE! RAAAAAAPE!'_

Oh shut up, I'm dreaming.

_'Sure you are.'_

Six hours after that I'm half-awake in another person's arm. It's probably Sophia, she's touchy feel sometimes. I turn my head and my vision is assaulted with golden-yellow hair. I twitch, that's definitely not Sophia. I look down, and, as expected, Elena is fully unchibi and hugging my exposed middle. What do I do?

Scream.

_'I could have sworn she said no pairings...' _A barely audible 'I couldn't help it' floats somewhere in the back of my mind.

What?!

_'Then again, she could just be poking fun at you.' _

'Totally am.'

Who the hell are you?

'Um... I'm a figment of your imaginations. Woooo.'

Elena's eyes twitch, she looks up at me and blinks, blushing lightly. I literally tumble out of bed, taking Sephy-kins with me. I blink several times and rub my eyes. I'm obviously still dreaming. Elena rubs the back of her neck, her blush darkening.

"I guess I was sleep walking." she said with a laugh.

"...chibi chibi?" I try. Maybe I could get Sephiroth to **MWETEOW** her...

"Oh, that," she begins. No, I couldn't do that. With my luck, she'd be immune and try to kill me, "I was hit with that blue light from the basement. When I woke up I was in the hospital." That light does what now?

"Are you hurt?" Genuine concern, she's one of my favorite chibis. She shakes her head, 'no'. "How'd you get back here?"

"Reeve drove me, he left Cait Sith here..." Just then a camera goes off. When my vision returns the robot is holding a camera, grinning at me. I'm going to kill him and have Zack cook him in a stew. Sure, we'll all have abnormal amounts of steel in our system, but who cares? _The cat must die_.

_'Isn't he your hero?'_

Yes, now shut up.

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"I... don't want to go shopping." I explain, Sophia glares.

"It'll be fan, ya can get samethin' far yar bayfriend!" Roommate chokes on his cereal, apparently finding it hard to laugh and eat at the same time. I twitch, glaring at them.

"I don't have a boyfriend. Hell, I don't even have a _girlfriend_..." Emoness coming back, think happy thoughts!

And I'm _not_ gay, dammit.

"Suuuuure you don't." Does she know something that I don't? Probably. Elena frowns at me, munching on a pop tart. Roommate continues to choke/laugh, I stab his arm with a fork.

"I'm not going shopping." Sephiroth floats buy with the car keys. This does not look good for me.

"It'll be fun!" I give her a look that clearly states 'Fun or no, I will not go.'

_'LOL RHYME!'_

Yes, I thought it out cleverly.

_'I'm sure you did.'_

You know I did

_'Do you like toast?'_

"Yes." Sophia just finished asking something. Dammit, stupid Voice tricked me again. She's cackling insanely in the back of my mind.

This day just keeps getting better and better.

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Ongaku Niji

Sixteen :: End

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A/N: _Where's my jar of dirt?!!_

Thanks to all my reviewers! Apocolyptical, Thunderstorm101, KumikoAnoriko, Yargy the Pirate Queen, Nectaris, ChaoticRei, Skavnema, Redwood, nanashi, Moonshine's Guide, 1wngdngl, Son June, Yami-Echo, EyeoftheTigressoftheDragon, and Rios Masquerade. Chibi!Barret for all!

Next Chapter: Christmas shopping! Building up the anti-climactic chapter twenty, the Christmas episode!

Review or face the jar of dirt!


	17. Sparkles and :: Bullet Holes

A/N: _I'm updating quick for the holiday season. Weeeeeeee-crash-eeeeeeeee!_

_I have to admit, Yargy's "Child's Play" was total inspiration for this. READ THAT STORY NOW!!! ...Review here first, though._

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Vexen, WalMart, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE ME. Sophia, Emmie, and Roommate © Shibuya on an Angel.

**IMPORTANT: Yami-Echo(beloved reviewer) has asked me to ask you to help. Basically, we're asking to have a clearly homophobic and racist user IP banned. The full reason is below, but I'd like to get in my two cents. The majority of the users on this site like/tolerate yaoi and a lot of them are young. If you don't like yaoi that's perfectly fine with me, just don't go around bashing people about it on a site that _banned_ NC-17 ratings because of younger users. We understand your views, just chose to ignore them. In other words, bite me.**

Original Petition: _I'm sorry to have to post this up to people; I just think this is an issue that NEEDS to be sorted out._

_I'm quite sure a few of you have seen or heard from friends, of the monstrous stories entitled "Yugiangst" and "choclate adventure" by "yugiexyamihawt111". Both of these are badly written, make fun of the YxYY pairing and all homosexuality in general, and now, me and my partner have come to realize exactly WHO is doing this._

_Wel Zen is known for his aggressive homophobia, and has made insulting stories towards Gravitation, Naruto, and even the bible, and has a clearly read hatred towards yaoi fangirls, and we have some small proof that Zen and the author named above are the same person. Both are very homophobic, and both have made stories which insult homosexuality AND yaoi fangirls. One reviewer also called yugiexyamihawt111 "Zen" in a review, telling HIM (the author known as yugiexyamihawt111 is supposedly a girl, UNDER 13) that he has hit an all time low._

_The fact that this person is cowardly enough to do this, to make fun of homosexuality in such a way, and the fact that hasn't done ANYTHING, though he has been reported on BOTH names several (I'm sure) hundred times, I've decided to ask; PLEAD, for your help._

_I'm making a petition to the owners of to get this person off the site. The author's disgusting works and the fact that they've been flamed and reported so many times has lead me to believe that staff and owners do not care about this matter. I want to make them notice. So, if you agree with me, and would like to help me with this matter, could you either reply to this post, or PM me confirming your support, so that I may add your pen name to the list of authors who want this person off the site._

_I'm sorry to bother you for this matter, but it is something of DIRE importance to me. I think that many of you may agree with me. We don't need to take this on this site. is a high quality site that the owners and staff should be proud of, and we need to preserve what the brilliant creators and staff have made for us. Racism and homophobia shouldn't be able to be mixed with what some authors pour their souls into, so please, help me win this fight._

_Thank you so much for reading this, even you don't support what I'm standing for._

_Yami-Echo_

Now, back to your regularly scheduled fic. If you'd like to have this removed, help the cause. This will appear in every chapter of my story, no matter what.

WARNING: I make fun of religious fanatics here a bit. I'm sorry, but you people have to stop waking me up at 6:32AM. The next time somebody does that, I'm stabbing them with Masamune.

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Ongaku Niji

Sparkles and :: Bullet Holes

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Here I am, facing the massive sliding glass doors. The chibis stand around me in awe, Roommate twitches, Sophia's singing a Christmas carol, Elena's giving me the adult equivalent of googly eyes. This has put me in an oddly good mood. Must be the false holiday enthusiasm floating through the ventilation system. With a sigh, I push forward, the cart runs over something.

It's amazing that the chibis got passed the cunning WalMart greeter, with her stickers and candy canes. Thank god Reno didn't attempt to look up her skirt, the woman is definitely over sixty years old. No offense, sixty year old WalMart greeter lady.

Sophia grins at me, skipping around the cart. Maybe she'll form a conga line through the store, then I won't have to pay. Roommate is walking next to me, Elena's on the opposite side. Tseng can't quite get over the fact that she's eight hundred times bigger than him, so he stayed home with his insecurities.

Reno, Rude, and Rod(I'll never get over his name) are riding on the bottom portion of the cart, helping me push it along. Well, Rude and Rod are helping, Reno's smoking a chibi sized cigarette. Will it infect his lung? Do chibis even _have_ lungs?

I propose a dissection for science!

_'Hojo's on it.'_

Zack stayed home, he's searching for the Silver Trio(who are believed to be fighting the tentacle basement monster) with Barret and Nanaki. Yuffie is sitting in the cart with Tifa and Cloud, who are playing poker. Sephiroth? Well, he's on my head, threatening my hairs.

Turn once, avoid large woman(man?) in short shorts, head towards the electronics section. Sophia has already picked up some expensive looking items and chucked them into the cart. Because of her 'job' money is not an option. Maybe she's a member of the CIA sent to observe the chibis... or me. I'm quite the national security threat. Then again, government jobs don't pay that well.

Turn again, grab Reno ask he attempts to leave the cart, bound said chibi and threaten him with Sephiroth.

Sophia is relatively difficult to shop for. I decide that ordering her a magic wand from the Internet would be the safe thing to do. She loves shiny things. Roommate is eight hundred times easier to figure out. I grab him a picture program for his computer.

Now, what to get for the chibis? Is there a chibi store I can go to, full of chibi carts and chibi fruits? Somebody taps me on the shoulder. The man looks to be in his late eight hundreds, maybe Amish gone horribly wrong.

"Excuse me, have you found Jesus?" Oh my Jenova...

"Yes, I have," I said cheerfully, "He followed me home and we made cookie." The mans face turns slightly red. Huh, they weren't always this easy.

"Are you a practicing-" Sephy-kins leaps from the shelves, tackling the man. Said man screams until Masamune is lodged where his spine meets his neck. Elena blinks, I blink, Roommate blinks, the man does not blink.

Blink blink blink. Back up and quietly go to the next isle over. That's just a bit too much for my brain to handle. What should I get Reeve?

_'A woman.'_

Prostitution is illegal.

_'He needs something other than that cat thing. Did you know that he actually makes that voice?'_

Oh shu- _really_?

I'm getting Reeve World of Warcraft. He needs friends whether they're his age or not. I look down in the cart and notice that all the chibis are missing, including Sephiroth. The intercom suddenly comes on.

"Mama, I wuv ywou" People who love me don't hijack WalMart's intercom... Well, they do. Sophia did last summer. Sigh. I can feel my hair turning white.

"We're going to have to split up." Elena says, loading her gun. She's not thinking of shooting them, is she? No. She's not thinking, she's doing.

"Don't shoot to kill." I order, Elena smiles sweetly. I have a feeling I will be coming home short a few chibis. An explosion comes from the opposite side of the building, Roommate heads in that direction. Elena heads in the opposite. I'm alone in the electronics department of WalMart, only my cart to protect me.

**Great.**

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Reno lit the toy department on fire with a blowtorch, I believe. Roommate, armed with a fire extinguisher, proceeds cautiously into the burnt area. Now, why he would do this is beyond me, but he does. Something red catches his eye and he shoots, freezing a Tickle Me Elmo. Cripes, what sloppy aim. Reno peeks out from behind a shelf and shoots darts at my poor friend.

Fortunately, Roommate is wise beyond his years, and manages to dodge most of them. Little did he know Rude and Rod(snicker) were lying in wait for him. The Turks pounced, spraying something in his face.

Poor guy never stood a chance.

Elena manages to locate Yuffie, who's using women's underwear to create some sort of an eternal paradise... or something. Vincent is flying around, attempting to bite helpless WalMart shoppers. She shot the vampire with a tranquilizer dart. Unfortunately, as she discovers, those do not work on chibis. Crafty bastards, they are.

Yuffie sprang up from a pantie pile, covering Elena with extra++ large briefs.

_'We're losing, Captain.'_

I _really_ want to crawl under my bed. It didn't take very long for everything to unravel. Hell, I barely had time to push into the next isle.

_'Yeah, we really suck.'_

I guess I have no choice...

_'You had a choice to begin with?'_

"Bo?" I call Sophia by her other name, because this world is confusing. She springs forward, twirling in ballerina slippers. Where did she get them?

"Hai?" No Japanese, dammit.

"I need you to round up the chibis for me." I turn around, motioning to my empty cart. When I turn back she's gone, I blink. Was she even there to begin with?

_'SHE'S your secret weapon?'_

No, she's my _exposed_ weapon.

I continue on with my shopping.

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Screams are heard, but I ignore them. They asked for it, after all. I must have been quite the evil bitch in a past life...

_'You have no idea.'_

You're right,_ I _don't.

The WalMart checkout lady looks suspiciously like Sephiroth, but I don't ask questions.

"Nice day we're having," I comment. We have to make small-talk with the WalMart works or they'll overthrow us.

"Ywes." How does one sound Y and W together? "That'w bwe $10,238, pwease." That's what credit cards are for. I'm using Woofus'. It's not like he needs the money anyway.

...Where did he get a credit card?

"Fwank ywou. Have a nwice dway." What is it with him and the letter double-you? Must be the anti-German.

I get in the car without the chibis because they'll never leave. I'm sure they'll find their way home, they always do. Now I can listen to my favorite station without Reno singing along.

**"MWETEOW!"** Just for good measure.

The building collapses like a flan in a pantry.

No big deal.

Little did I know that it was the first step towards a world of terror...

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Ongaku Niji

Seventeen :: End

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A/N: _Step, hop, jump!_

Thanks to all my reviewers that would have reviewed had this chapter not been updated two seconds after the other one. Hur. Chibi!Yuffie for all!

Next Chapter: Christmas decorating, Emmie's sister visits! Step, hop, jump!

Review or face my wrath!


	18. Bible :: Black

A/N: _I haven't been able to find inspiration for a while(a week, lehomgawd). Yes, I didn't pull this fic out of the air, it required thought and... me in a good mood. That has not happened since the last chapters. I've learned my lesson about pushing out two chapters in less than twenty-four hours. NOT SOMETHING SoaA SHOULD DO, NO. XD So, I apologize if this seems a bit dry._

_The only reason this got finished is because the fanfiction fairy came to me yesterday and said 'Shibuya, get off your arse and finish this fic!' and SoaA said, "You're British?!" and she hit me with her wand._

_**Hey, my beta reader got a life. Anybody want to beta read Ongaku Niji chapters for me? You have to be ready to reply ASAP(I tend to want to put the story up the minute after I finish it...). And... that's it, I only need you to read over it once, point out anything that seems odd(er than usual, grammatical errors), and e-mail me your corrections. Best part about the job? You get to read Ongaku Niji before everybody else(I'm a cheap ass)!**_

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Vexen, Nyquil, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE ME. Sophia, Emmie, and Roommate © Shibuya on an Angel.

**IMPORTANT: XD Yami's not that bright. So, if you wish to sign the petition, there be a link in my and her profiles. I respect your views if you did not with to sign it/didn't sign it. I love all my fans. -HEART- If you'd still like to hear about it, reffer back to chapters sixteen and seventeen('The Return' and 'Sparkles and Bullet Holes') or PM Yami-Echo.**

**WARNING:** The chapter title is that of a popular hentai series. Why? Because it sounds cool. Don't own. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BIBLE BLACK, OKAY? I don't need to get banned for NC-17 material. DX

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Ongaku Niji

Bible :: Black

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_'Jingle bells, jingle bells.'_

If you sing that song one more time I will dig my brain out with a spoon.

_'Spoon?'_

Ten times cooler thank sporks.

_'That would be ultimately bad for both of us.'_

Says you. At least I'll have peace.

'That's what you think. The Cetra will talk your ear off.'

Decide not to ask, roll out of bed and onto... nothing. Where did my floor go? More importantly, how did my bed stay up without said floor? What a curious mystery. Watson, get my magnifying glass, we have another mystery on our hands!

Sephiroth is so totally Watson.

Land with a satisfying thunk two stories down, in the Mad Scientist Twins' room. I'm not sure when we issued rooms, but I know this is theirs. Vexen blinks at me, I blink back. His eyes are incredibly creepy. I'm tempted to call an eye doctor. Would he dissect him?

"Hi." I say. This room is less creepy now than it was earlier. Maybe the lack of tentacle monsters brings out a sort of light? No, it's just morning, and I have trouble processing things in the morning.

_'What are these 'mornings' you speak of?'_

What indeed.

"Hello, could you move your arm up for me." Blink, comply, blink some more. He puts a thermometer in my mouth. Did I sign up for a physical in my sleep? Probably not, I don't like knowing how healthy I am, it makes me sick.

_'Total para-'_

Don't you _dare_ say it.

"Put your arm down, lift up your shirt." Okay, fair enough- Is he molesting my chest?

Yep, there be a chibi groping my chest. I twitch slightly, because I can, and scream, falling backwards. Vexen blinks at me, writing more things on his chibi notepad, disgruntled. Why should _he_ be upset?

"You're very underdeveloped, have you been taking any steroids?" What would steroids have to do with my figu-

_Goddammit_, I can't get through one day without somebody having to comment on my femininity... which doesn't exist. I am man, hear me roar!

"I'm **not** a woman." I answer, giving him Sophia's patented Eye of DOOM. The chibi scientist blinks up at me, cocks an eyebrow, and looks at his chart.

"Are you sure?" he asks, I nod. A little question mark appears above his chibi head. He hops over to a microscope, looking in. Another question mark appears. I do not like where this is going.

"But you don't have any Y-chromosome..." Homie say _what_ now? I almost have to look down, but something stops me. I know I'm male, unless some horrible practical joke has been played.

Nope. Pretty sure I'm a guy.

_'Just keep telling yourself that, buddy.'_

Haha! You even called me buddy!

I stare at Hojo Twin, before running up the staircase. I'm going to buy a dirty magazine and prove my manliness... only not really.

_'Now you're just being pathetic.' _

Oh, sod off.

The smell of food from the kitchen stops my journey momentarily. I can't very well seek out soft core naughtiness on an empty stomach, can I? No, no I can't. Roommate raises an eyebrow at me, noticing my pink nightshirt. It was originally white...

"Pink?" he asks, sipping his coffee.

"Real men wear pink because they don't know you have to separate whites and reds." I mutter, stealing Cloud's pancake. He should know by now to get the cereal.

"Right... So," Roommate begins, "what are we going to do about this place? The crazy one said we needed to decorate." Sophia? She normally does that on her own... Speaking of which, where is -**CHOMP**- she?

"Hi Vincent." The chibi vampire looks up at me, mouth full of my arm. I sigh, Sephiroth dives in from... somewhere, and begins attacking Mr. RAWR! I AM A VAMPIRE! with his spatumune. This is becoming oddly normal for me. The chibis need to shake it up or I'm going to get used to this.

_'Don't worry, shaking will be done.'_

I'm looking forward to it.

_'You'll be traumatized for life.'_

Even more than I already am?

_'Yep.'_

Damn.

I have the funny feeling that I won't live passed-

"Emmie," Roommate calls, "Get your ass in gear, we're putting decorations on the tree." This sounds like a job for the chibi firefights, not poor, poor 'Emmie-kun'.

...Hey, didn't that nickname come from the guy that sexually harassed me at work? Yes, yes I believe it did. How did they find out about it?

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I'm sending Sophia to hell in an hand basket.

Really, I love my cousin to death, but sometimes she goes too far. Right now, for example. I am dressed as an elf. Not Santa, I'm not cool enough to be Santa, but his little helper. Maybe I should count my lucky stars. At least I'm not Mrs. Clause.

...Like Elena.

_'I saw that coming.'_

Yeah, so did I.

Roommate, Sophia, Elena, the chibis, and myself are attempting to decorate this massive tree that is our Christmas tree. The neighbors complained about it for a short time... but they were dealt with by the Chibi Mafia. They'll make you an offer too cute to refuse.

"A little more to the left." I call to the top. Sephiroth moves the massive MWETEOW shaped star a little right, he's cool like that. It's going at the top of the tree, to strike fear into the hearts of people everywhere.

It was made by blind migrant worker Eskimos in Canada. Fur traders from Chicago brought it here by boat. That's what Sophia tells me. She's almost always right. Too right, I swear she works for the CIA.

The Silver Trio are having snowball fights under the tree. Better than trying to kill me, I guess. Funny, I didn't even see it snow. Must not try to think.

Vincent jumps down from a tree branch and latches onto my arm. Elena attempts to bat him away with her mistletoe... Mistletoe?

Christ.

Before the unchibi Turk can make a move, Reno tumbles off the roof and lands smack into me. Well, at least I can't be considered a player. Soblem prolved.

_'Playa.'_

What?

_'Never mind.'_

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I'm wearing vampire bling and feeling incredibly ghetto.

"Where are all my domestic canines located?" I ask, Roommate looks at me, obviously trying to process the previous statement. I don't blame him, my pimpness transcends continents. Vincent tries to strangle me with the chain.

_'Do you have any idea what you're saying?'_

Do you?

_'Not really, but I've been reading.'_

The house is dressed like a winter wonderland. It's really, very cool. There are shimmering fake icicles everywhere, the floor is covered in white. All the furniture was dyed white(and it'll be dyed back, dammit). Last, everybody was dressed in white, because we're having a white Christmas. Outside, snowflakes are drifting from the grey sky. Inside, the air is shimmering with glitter(being pumped through the ventilation system, no doubt(1)).

I still can't figure out how they made it snow...

**"MWETEOW!"**

It seems to be happening without any logical reasoning. One of the neighbors runs passed my window, his hair and coat on fire. Roommate continues to sip his hot chocolate.

_We keep spendin' most our lives, living in the Ghetto Paradise..._

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My sister is here on orders of our father. Apparently, me not calling for two months is getting on his nerves. Seems I missed her birthday bash, too.

_'I can feel your apathy choking the planet...'_

It's that bad, huh?

Now, my sister isn't a bad person, but she certainly isn't a good one. A whiny little brat that always gets what she wants. Luckily, she won't get a chance to stay long.

_'You have issues with every one of your family members, huh?'_

"So... how've you been?" I ask.

"Fine," she grunts, looking at my house in distaste. Reno scuttles across the room, she quickly turns around. "Do you have _rats_?!"

No, but you're close.

My vampire bling remains suspiciously still. This cannot be a good sign.

"Dad says he's going to cut you off if your grades don't improve." So? "He wants you to join the military..." I've lost interest at this point, but she keeps talking. Roommate peeks in from the kitchen, before retreating. Bastard.

"He looks bored." he comments, Elena leans against the counter.

"Aren't they siblings?" Sophia nods, Zack's cooking. Sephiroth? Well, he's chasing Yuffie. She stole his chef hat.

"Ya, bat thar campletely differant." Sophia comments, petting Nanaki. I miss my kitty...

"Sapharath..." Sophia beings, a dangerous twinkle entering her eye.

No, not in the house!

**"MWETE-"**

You know how this ends.

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Ongaku Niji

Eighteen :: End

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(1) A friend did this one year. His house looked so freaking pretty. You can't do too much at one time, though. Glitter will star covering everything in a thick layer. Not fun cleaning up.

A/N: _"Where are all my domestic canines located?" NEW FAVORITE QUOTE._

_Emmie is quite possibly the whitest person on the planet. Though, I do not know what race he is. He refuses to tell me._

_Yup. Having fights with my OCs in my heeeeaaaad._

Thanks to all my reviewers! Apocolyptical, Thunderstorm101, KumikoAnoriko, Yargy the Pirate Queen, Nectaris, ChaoticRei, Skavnema, Redwood, nanashi, Moonshine's Guide, 1wngdngl, Son June, Yami-Echo, EyeoftheTigressoftheDragon, and Rios Masquerade. Chibi!Barret for all!

Next Chapter: The day approaches. What could possibly go wrong? (1wngd totally freaking knows)

CAKE OR DEATH?

Yeah, I'm feeling festive.


	19. Important :: Notice

A/N: _lol I changed my name again. stfuaboutit._

_...You know something. I reread The Essentials to Mary Sue(read it, I commands!)... Emmie is totally Teen Sue. _

Emmie: You bitch, I am not!

_LMAO. XD_

Emmie: What does that make Sophia?

_...A new breed of Sue slowly taking over the world?_

Emmie: Okay. I am not paired with anybody(outside of what readers believe) and not hell bent on saving the world. Therefor, I am not a Sue!

_Just keep telling yourself that, bub._

**I**_ promised a friend that if this fic continues beyond next year I'd have a Chanukah special. That I'd resurrect this fic just for a Chanukah special. I believe that gives me the right to abuse Christmas as much as I want this year. Right?_

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Vexen, Nyquil, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE ME. Sophia, Emmie, and Roommate © Passe on an Angel.

_**IMPORTANT: XD Yami's not that bright. So, if you wish to sign the petition, there be a link in my and her profiles. I respect your views if you did not with to sign it/didn't sign it. I love all my fans. -HEART- If you'd still like to hear about it, refer back to chapters sixteen and seventeen('The Return' and 'Sparkles and Bullet Holes') or PM Yami-Echo.**_

**WARNING:** Watashi wa Passe on an Angle desu.

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Ongaku Niji

Important :: Notice

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"Deck the halls... fa la la la la la la la la..." I really don't know the words to this song, but who cares? It's Christmas, dance around the fire! I'm starting to like being engulfed by the Christmas spirit. It's like being in space without the threat of monsters or Lance Bass.

Sephiroth nearly killed my sister and I'm happy about it.

"Fwa wa wa wa wa" Sephiroth is better at this than I am. He's a chibi of many talents. Reno's sitting next to me, watching teevee. A commercial about cheese was on. Really, is it necessary to advertise quality dairy products? We already know which brand not to buy.

"Yesterday," Roommate beings, "I saw a cheese slave t-shirt. It made me think of swiss cheese with prisoner shackles on..."

"Pfft." I'm animated today, "Swiss cheese can't go to jail, it's too holy!" Satan's building a special circle of hell just for me. My vampire bling is still trying to escape.

"That joke was too cheesy to laugh at." Reno grunts.

"I guess. It wasn't very Gouda." The sad thing is, not one of us crack a smile.

_'...I don't know what to say to that.'_

Neither do I.

It's _almost_ Christmas. Christmas Eve, to be exact. The stockings(all twenty of them) hang by the chimney quietly. I'm not really sure if that's really a chimney. I didn't have one before the Invasion. There's a name for it now.

Zack scurries around me, holding a plate of hot Christmas cookies. Rudolph and Santa from what I can tell. He's trying to keep Sephiroth from eating them. Tifa, Cloud, and Barret are sitting on the floor in front of the couch, watching the teevee as well. I'm nibbling on my cookies and sipping hot cocoa. Yuffie crashes into something in the background. It makes a nice crashing sound, a curse from the basement.

The Silver Trio are sitting at my feet, playing with some tinsel I tore from the Giant Tree. Loz hasn't cried for a whole two seconds, I'm so proud. Nanaki is sitting on my lap like a replacement kitty. His flame tail has yet to burn my hand.

Did the Mad Scientist twins hear?

More fires. That seems to be all that's happening these days. This one was quite close to my neighborhood. Nothing to worry about, I have chibi firefighters.

Kadaj and I are having a mental starring contest. Mental because he's at the opposite side of the house, he doesn't even know we're having it. A-hah, he blinked!

_'You are a sad little man.'_

Yes, I'm aware.

Something explodes in the background, another item shatters in the distance. Screams are heard. Nobody moves. If it's not Sephiroth's doing it's absolutely not my problem.

Hot breath drifts across my neck. I turn slightly, coming face to face with a chocobo beak. A black chocobo beak with read markings and whatnot. I feel the need to scream at the Mad Scientist twins. Them and their _silly_ experiments.

"Kweh."

I stand up and make my way to the kitchen. The chocobo looks incredibly pissy. Sophia's sitting at the table, typing on a laptop.

"...Bo."

"Nani?"

"There's a chocobo in the living room."

_"...Eh?"_

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What's Christmas without the obligatory monster battle? Somebody should tell this Chocobo-mutant that he's nearly twenty-four hours early. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear to want to fraternize with the enemy.

"WARK! WAAAAAARK! WAAAAAARRRRRRK!" I wonder if Cloud feels like he's betraying his people? Chocobo head lunges at the beast, swinging like crazy. How much training did he(Zack?) go through as a SOLDIER? Is that all they teach? Yuffie is incapacitated, hanging upside down from the ceiling. Why, exactly, is a mystery to me. Maybe she wants to be like Vincent?

Speaking of Vincent, should I let the chibi bling attack? Will Chocobo blood turn him into chocobo!Vincent? Best not the chance it. Nanaki chomps at the chocobo's feet, effectively earning a cry of pain. Barret shoots at Mr. Chocobo in the neck. Tifa kicks it in the wing. The Silver Trio are standing back with the Turks, ready to drag the bird when it falls. The poor thing lets out a strangled cry.

_'I feel it's pain.'_

Why _are_ we doing this?

_'Because it's an evil chocobo, that's why.'_

Sephiroth holds back on his special move until the very end. He doesn't want the house to go Ka Boom. That would make Mama very sad indeed.

**"MWETEOW!"** I'm getting used to that cry of the wild.

The chocobo flies across the room, slamming into a wall. Chibi firefighters drag the carcase away. I have a feeling that we're going to be having 'turkey' for dinner. Only in this house can one catch and cook dinner with one attack. I pat Sephiroth on his head and give him a cookie.

"Mama." A little pink heart floats by; the door bursts open and a SWAT team rushes in. I twitch, again, and slowly walk to the kitchen.

"...Bo."

"Ya?"

"There are police officers in the living room."

_"...Eh?"_

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"What seems to be the problem, officer?" Roommate asks, I sip my cocoa quietly. Somehow, I know this is my fault. Maybe not directly my fault, but...

"This woman," An obscure drawing of me, of course, "has been spotted at the scene of several arsons." I twitch, slightly.

"So?" Roommate's brave, "My friend here's a male, and he hasn't been by any fires."

"...Really?" I twitch. Twitching is something I've been doing a lot. Perhaps I should see a doctor. No, they'd just lock me up in the padded room so I don't hurt myself.

"You don't want me to show you, do you?" Sophia laughs somewhere in the background. At least I made somebody laugh today.

"You match the description, sir. Several eye witnesses saw you at the scene. Hell, your neighbor says you used a doll to light his hair on fire."

"Yeah? Well, your neighbor says you walk around naked in the daytime." I can't seem to control my mouth. This does not bode well for me, at all.

"What did you say?!"

"Your mother."

_'Bahahaha. This is fun.'_

That's _you_?!

_'Hai.'_

I'm going to kill you dead. With a _rock_.

The officer handcuffs my hands behind me, maneuvering me out the door. Roommate's about to object. Sephiroth flies through the room, Zack, Cloud, Reno, Rod, Rude, and Vincent are tied to a rope trailing after him.

The universal WTF face passes over everybody but myself, Sophia, and the chibis.

"...Okay, take me away, coppers."

Only a blizzard can save this story now.

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Ongaku Niji

Nineteen :: End

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A/N: _Want to know how incredibly sad I am? I have headphones in my ear, but the music isn't on. I'm attempting to give the illusion that I'm ignoring everybody. You'd be amazed at how much I've learned about their opinions on me. Heh._

_My new proof reader, _Tolkienologist_, didn't get a chance to read this because I finished last minute and wanted it up Christmas Eve. Forgive any mistakes, please._

Thanks to all my reviewers: Thunderstorm101, Moonshine's Guide, Yargy, Shadow, LittleBrick, Tolkien, nanashi, and Yami. Full size!CHRISTMAS!Sephiroth for all! Do with him what you wish.

Next Chapter: Prison, OMG!

Review or no Christmas for you(I don't care if you celebrate it or not)!


	20. Happy :: Holidays

A/N: _I just read _Cell_(new Stephen King novel) and... I don't own a cellphone(never have). PoaA suggests you read it and discguard yourself of your cellphone quickly. XD_

_I'm writing this chapter by the light of the Christmas tree a day before Christmas Eve. Nobody's awake but me, not even the animals. As I type this final note before the New Year(next chapter will be updated 1-1-07) I'm thinking about how much I've changed. How it's only been a few months since this story began, and that it's impacted my life quite a bit. I honestly don't know what the future holds, but I'm sure it's full of more 'fun' for Emmie and Jenova. Maybe even a decent story line? The colors from the tree are dancing across my skin with such beautiful grace; bells are chiming outside. The cat is sleeping on my feet and I can barely feel my fingers sliding over the keys. There's a force compelling me to write late into the night, finish this on time. "Give a few people something to look forward to on Christmas day besides material presents," it says in a Jenova-like voice._

_This is so romantic._

_...Merry Holidays, my friends!_

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Enzai, Vexen, Nyquil, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE ME. Sophia, Emmie, and Roommate © Shibuya on an Angel.

IMPORTANT: XD Yami's not that bright. So, if you wish to sign the petition, there be a link in my and her profiles. I respect your views if you did not with to sign it/didn't sign it. I love all my fans. -HEART- If you'd still like to hear about it, refer back to chapters sixteen and seventeen('The Return' and 'Sparkles and Bullet Holes') or PM Yami-Echo.

**WARNING:** Overload of Christmas cheer(yeah right).

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Ongaku Niji

Happy :: Holidays

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Prison's not so bad.

Though, I wouldn't know.

They put me in a holding cell at the police station. Not 'real' prison. It's the place that the drunk drivers go when they've had too much. Where expected serial killer's significant others hang out. I'm not making this up.

Apparently, I'm jail bait. That's weird, because I'm of legal age... but I'm not going to tell them that. Who's them? Well, they would be the other five prisoners that got themselves locked up with me.

The tallest one, reminds me of a hardcore military John. His hair is buzzed into a neat cut, black with a bit of dusty brown mixed in. Thus, his nickname is Kujo. A younger man, probably a few years older than me, is sitting across from him, twiddling his thumbs. He seems stupid enough to get caught for whatever he did. Hopefully it wasn't serial rapings.

Only three prisoners to go. There's an unwashed hobo in the corner, glaring at us with his one good eye. For some reason, he reminds me of my grandmother. Probably not a good sign. The other two are relatively short, but quite a bit older than me. One has gray hair, the other has balding dark brown.

Without warning, the unwashed 'prisoner' yells "SURPRISE!" I twitch slightly, but otherwise do not react. The chibis have me trained well. Too well...

"So..." the twiddling idiot puts an arm around me. This is going to be uncomfortable.

"So." I reply. We speak the same language, he and I.

"What're ya in for?"

I can't stop myself from responding.

"I hide little people in my house," I reply cheerily, "One of them likes to bite me, another lights fires, bakes cookies. I'm in here because I got mistaken for a foot tall chibi with a giant spatula..."

I burst into tears. A long time coming, if you ask me.

Nobody says anything. I'm pretty sure they all think I'm completely insane. Which is probably true, because I can't tell if I'm right in the head anymore either. I realised I need the chibis to keep me right in the head. I need Sephiroth and Zack and Tifa and even Cloud. Guess I don't like being alone anymore.

A strangely feminine hand rubs my back. That's not very comforting, actually.

"...Emmiiiiieeeeee. Stap crayin'. We gatta ga apan presants." Sophia states, patting my back a bit harder. I blink, looking up. Sophia's wearing a black suit, very unlike her excentric elf outfit. She has dark glasses

"...Bo?" She gives me an 'are you stupid' look, and procedes to help me stand. The guard holding the gate open looks terrified of her. She guides me to the front offices, where Roommate is talking to the detective who arrested me. He looks freaked as well.

"We're sorry again, sirs." the cop states, averting his eyes away from us. Sophia glares.

"Dan't let it happan again." she growls.

_'What the hell...?'_

Told you she was a secret agent.

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We spend Christmas at my Palace de la Chibi. Presents are literally piled high, reaching the ceiling. Nearly four hundred gifts in one room does that. They're all stacked in neat piles, designated to each person or chibi.

Vincent attempted to eat his first present, a pillow with his face printed on it, so we have to unwrap them ourselves while he gnawed on a bone. Yuffie got mostly materia, a few ninja items thrown in. Nobody believed it a good idea to get her sugary items. Barret, Cloud, Rude, and Rod got pretty much the same items. Things for their weapon of choice... and hairgel. Sophia made them chibi pajamas, complete with kitty ears and glittery paws. Yes, I'm completely serious.

Tifa and Elena's gifts are more varried, and thus get their own paragraph. They both got polished jewelry(courtesty of myself, Sophia, Roommate, and several of the chibis), skimpy night gowns(Tseng had to shoot at Reno), and practical items. Just what does one get Tifa for Christmas, I wonder. I got her a Chocobo head plushie. Reeve's gifts were sent to him via mail, he's out of town.

Nanaki got an assortment of kitty-type items. Again, he's not the easiest person to shop for. Zack got cook books(I'm sure he took offense), cooking utensils, and a new chefs hat(my gift, ya). Reno and Tseng got an assortment of books, liquor, and ammo. Who knew Reno could read?

Vexen and Hojo? Well, they're opening their gifts in the basement. Most of them, from what I saw, were gift cards to varied science-type stores.

Sephiroth ties a few ribbons around my neck, hair, and arms. I feel like I'm my own present. Maybe they're going to give me to the homeless?

The chibis are thoughtful with their gifts. Tifa and Elena got me music boxes. One plays 'One Winged Angle' the other plays 'Silent Night'. Cloud, Barret, and the Turks gave me clothing, no doubt helped by Elena and Roommate. Roommate shelled out and bought a Wii for me... heehee.

Sophia's gift is my favorite, though. It's a scrapbook of all of my chibi adventures, from that fated August day to the Sephiroth train just yesterday.

When did she get a camera?

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It was late, too late for anybody else to be up. Christmas has been over for at least an hour, but I refuse to look at the clock. Sephy-kins is sleeping on my head, his Santa hat has disappeared completely. Did his hair eat it?

Roommate and Elena are asleep in my room. Whilst I was away the Mad Scientist twins turned his room into some sort of chamber. Apparently they're getting ready for the arrival of some sort.

Dull embers still burned in the fireplace, just barely. Snow falls gently outside the window. Soft snores can be heard from various places. Still haven't figured out where they sleep, exactly. I stand, gently putting Sephy-kins in my place.

"This is romantic." I say in a too normal tone. No reply from the Voice. I guess it's decided to give me some sort of peace for now. Good, I'm just about needing it now.

The TV clicks off quietly, I make my way to the kitchen. It's clean, Zack is sleeping over the oven on a hammock, Cloud and Tifa are sleeping on... beds? So, that's where they go. I have a feeling that Zack somehow has the cookies locked off, I don't bother to look.

I'm just about to go to bed when I see a glint of something hanging from the doorknob. My curiosity gets the best of me and I find myself picking it up. It's a necklace with a ball of white materia chained at the end. There's a card sticking out of the door. Four words are written inside in neat handwriting. A familiar picture of Tifa, Sephiroth, and Zack is glued below it.

_Merry Christmas, 'Mama' -Aeris_

Smile.

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Ongaku Niji

Twenty :: End

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A/N: _Fa la la la la la la la la._

Thanks to all my reviewers! Nanasawa-san, Moonshine, Shadow, Tolkien, Skavnema, Dragoness, and 1wngd! Chibi!Jenova for all!

Next Chapter: New Years party?! Emmie's been kidnapped by Weiss(who's suppose to be dead, thanks nanashi XD)! How will the poor Sephy-kins handle it?!

**Merry holidays!**


	21. Happy :: New Year

A/N: _I got _Dead Rising_ for X-mas. ...I wonder if I'm suppose to have that much fun with a lawnmower..._

_Ahem. The reason for the late update is quite complex. My parents were all 'LOL, WEAR MOVIN'' Christmas morning. I spent about six days going 'WHATZEEFOOKUS?!?!?!' and packing crap up. Then school re-started and I had even more 'WHATZEEFOOKUS?!?!?!' moments. I am now safely sitting in the closet with my computer, typing away._

_That's right. I'm in the closet._

_Laugh it up._

_You know, I don't think I'm ever going to get this done in time for Tolkien to beta. XD Doubt she's complaining._

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Samuel L. Jackson, Vexen, Nyquil, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE ME. Sophia, Emmie, and Roommate © Passè on an Angel.

_**IMPORTANT: XD If you wish to sign the petition, there be a link in my and Yami-Echo's profiles. I respect your views if you did not with to sign it/didn't sign it. I love all my fans. -HEART- If you'd still like to hear about it, reffer back to chapters sixteen and seventeen('The Return' and 'Sparkles and Bullet Holes') or PM Yami-Echo.**_

**WARNING:** This chapter is proof that I always take suggestions cerealy. The first person who suggests smut gets a face full of cold 'shampoo'. It's okay though, because you all know I'd write it. Well... Alright, I've successfully creeped myself out. -slams head against wall-

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Ongaku Niji

Happy :: New Year

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I left the house for three minutes in order to get some noise makers.

"SEPHARATH, STAP EATIN' THA STREAMERS!"

"Smo- MY COOKIES!"

"Reno, get away from the rum!"

_'You should drink something. Loosen up.'_

"RAWR! I ARE THE VAMPIRE!" CHOMP!

It was CAHMPLEETTE DESTRUKTIUN1! when I got back.

Slam! Boom! CRASH!

"-hick- Ruuuuuuuuudey!!! I found a pair... a pair o' 'lena's panties! -hick-"

More slam! Bigger boom! Louder crash!

"Kadaj, stap massen' with Tifa's hair!"

"Loz, Yazzo, put your guns away!"

"Y-Yuffie, get off of Nanaki!"

A collective, "Sephiroth, no!(Sepharath, na!)"

**"MWETEOW!"**

"THE **_RUM_**!"

"Calm down, Reno. There's more to drink."

"But... but... why is the rum gone?!"

Thus, another year ends. Allegedly. Time is technically a fabrication of the human mind to keep track of crap. Streamers fly everywhere, the floor is covered with broken glass and colorful decorations. Reno's sleeping on a keg. Cloud flops on my shoulder, his face is slightly red.

"Hi." he says, then chews on my shoulder.

_'...Is Chocobo-head drunk?'_

It... appears so?

_'Maybe? Who's ever seen a drunk Cloud and lived to tell the tale.'_

Nobody here, I guess.

Reno flies across the room, his hair on fire. Rude and Rod(in Chibi!Firefighter gear) follow after, Rude's head is red and blaring like a siren. Decide not to ask where they but his brain. He could be a robot... but all of those RudexReno fics I've read disprove that theory.

_'Right... Why have you been reading yaoi fanfiction?'_

Research. I'm part of a secret Japanese organization planning to stomp all the fangirls who're righting crappy fanfiction in an attempt to take over the world1.

_'How does that relate to yaoi?'_

Top secret. Now you must die...

The fire is out, I think. Sophia runs after Sephiroth, who decided that the room needs more silly string. I sigh, Roommate hands me a trash bag full of... something. Don't ask, it isn't healthy. I slowly make my way outside, Cloud is still on my shoulder, Vincent's attached to my leg. They're too cute, I can't exactly knock them off.

...Yes I can, actually. I stop, depositing the trash into the metal can(that's been graffitied) and attempt to shake off the parasites. Doesn't appear to be working, must get bottle of Chibi-Off.

Something crashes in the distance, I decide to ignore it. There's a high probability that it is Sephiroth related. The materia around my neck(yes, I wear it) begins to glow neon white. It feels like cold fire.

_'Cold fire is nice, but not as useful as hot fire.'_

I continue walking, oblivious to the fact that the ground ends quite suddenly. There's wasn't a whole there before... The world turns TECHNICOLOR! and begins to spin.

This is all Cloud's fault.

_'How so?'_

No idea, but everything wrong in the universe can be blamed on Cloud.

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I can't remember a thing of what happened the yesterday.

"My... head..." somebody groans, I think it's a chocobo.

_'Happy National Hangover Day!'_

"Drip drip drip." says the mysterious faucet. Mysterious, because there is no faucet in my house that drips. Somebody would have MWETEOW'd it by now. I open my eyes then close them tightly. Who the hell turned the sun on this early in the morning? Speaking of which, what time is it?

The alarm clock is missing. In fact, my entire room is missing.

_'Maybe you're missing.'_

...I'm right here.

_'Where is here?'_

The place I am?

_'You're not where you can be found?'_

"...STOP IT!" I jolt up, my head connects with a black bar. A nice bump/bruise combo was probably forming before I made a move

'There be a pole right thur.'

I hate you so much.

I'm in a cell, probably underground or deep within a building. Cloud's holding his head and talking to himself because, you know, he was a SOLDIER once. In his head. Vincent is chewing on my ankle. There aren't any windows or any light what-so-ever. The scary part about that is that I can see. This is probably a plot point from hell. Anyway, I know I'm not in Kansas anymore.

'We were in Kansas?'

It's a figure of speech, Todo.

_'Todo?'_

Well, maybe Chocobo-head's Todo. You get to be Oz.

_'...What the hell are you on about?'_

A metal door slams in the distant. Footsteps are heard and a dark figure approaches. Let's forget that I can see in the dark for a minute. He seems oddly familiar, silver hair from hell, creepy aura of immaculatarity. Immaculateness? Who could it be?

_'Remember when you said meteor turned chibis unchibi?'_

...Oh punkfaggot.

Weiss opens the door of the cell... without a key. I probably should have attempted to escape whilst I was arguing with myself... WAIT. I remember seeing something on the news about there being dead chibis on the side of the road. Damn plot holes!

_'I bet she'll explain this real nice soon...'_

Who?

_'God.2'_

"I see you're awake." he says in the patented 'I am so cool' voice. Sephiroth should sue, dammit! Grab Cloud, hold him as a shield.

"I have chibi power." I state. Cloud doesn't even look threatening as he rubs his giant, sleepy eyes. Weiss laughs his evil laugh. He's getting ready to tell us his EVIL plan.

"You're going to tell us where Jenova is." ...He's possessed by Hojo _again_?

I just have to ask, "Hey, have you gone after Omega yet?"

"...What?"

Oh damn.

_'Snake! You can't go changing the future like that!'_

I... didn't mean to?

Weiss doesn't say anything, maybe he expects me to comply willingly?

"...Somehow, I don't think you thought your cunning plan through."

"...Tell me where Jenova is."

"...No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No..."

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No, you body possessing freak!"

_'He certainly is a freak.'_

Weiss looks startled, then begins to laugh that Hojo-like laugh. The one that's haunted Dirge of Cerberus since it's birth.

"So, you're as knowledgeable as they say."

"Whose 'they', and how do 'they' know anything about me?" I would have used the finger quotations if I wasn't holding a chibi shield.

Hey, if I'm in the past Final Fantasy VII, does this mean that there's an un-chibi Cloud running around here somewhere?

_'Probably. Hellooooooooo fanservice!'_

Suddenly, a fantastic idea surfaces. Hojo-Weiss is laughing again. In one quick swoop I Vincent at him and run like hell down the hallway. Cloud hangs on for dear life. A scream and a thunk. Say a silent prayer for the chibi bling, run faster.

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"Calm down, Emmie," Now even I'm using that ridiculous nickname, "Samuel L. Jackson was on a snake full of planes and he kept his cool."

_'...A snake full of planes...'_

What? Oh, dammit!

"...Huh?" the most intelligent thing Cloud's said all day. We've been navigating through Deepground for over an hour. I wish I memorized that damn game map. We ended up falling into a sewer system... literally. I've been walking for about an hour and I finally see daylight.

A girl with brown hair and creepy, doll-like eyes blocks my path.

My response to this is as follows: ASDFJKL. ALT TAB F4.

"You're not leaving." The youngest Tsviet advances, probably preparing to kick my ass six ways from Sunday. Quick, create a diversion!

"J'habite un maison dans mon pied!" Shelke stops, a hint of confusion is present in her eyes. Bahah! Emotion!

"You live in a house in your feet?"

"Bingo."

I bolt in the opposite direction, heading for the nearest manhole. Shelke isn't fast enough for the King of Retreat.

Jesus Christ on a Bicycle!

I'm in Edge! Or Midgar! Whichever.

_'BET YOU DIDN'T EXPECT THIS!'_

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Ongaku Niji

Twenty One :: End

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1 If you're going to write fanfiction, please space your paragraphs and write more than 1000 words per chapter. My brain will explode if I see one more wall of text, I will suicide. That means no more Ongaku Niji because nobody knows my password. - This message has been brought to you by the Foundation to save the Passès.

2 Think about it. All fanfiction writers are gods in their own respect. They control what happens to the characters and everything. The reviewers are angels, somewhat influencing the writer's decision. The Gospel of Fanfiction. SOMEBODY SHOULD WRITE IT. (Not me.)

A/N: _NOT THE END! Not even close! I read this once over and thought 'Am I setting this up for a seventeen chapter ending?' No way in hell. Nevaaaaar! I swear to Jenova that this story will reach fifty chapters before the end of 2007. Guaranteed!_

Thanks to all my reviewers! Apocolyptical, Thunderstorm, Eyeofthetigeress, Kumiko, Yargy the Pirate Queen, Nectaris, Shadow, Skavnema, nanashi, Moonshine, 1wngdngl, Yami-Echo, and Rios Masquerade. Non-chibi!Cloud for all!

Next Chapter: Save :: Mama! Will their plan be successful, or will poor Emmie die before making it out? Tune in next time for the answer

Review or may snakes feast on you genitiles.


	22. Save :: Mama

A/N: _Tsukurimashou. Tsukurimashou..._

_I cancelled an RP session to finish this. YOU BETTAH BE SATISFIED._

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Vexen, Nyquil, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE ME. Sophia, Emmie, and Roommate © Passè on an Angel.

IMPORTANT: XD If you wish to sign the petition, there be a link in my and Yami-Echo's profiles. I respect your views if you did not with to sign it/didn't sign it. I love all my fans. -HEART- If you'd still like to hear about it, reffer back to chapters sixteen and seventeen('The Return' and 'Sparkles and Bullet Holes') or PM Yami-Echo.

WARNING: This chapter will be eighty-four percent Emmie freaking out. Special warning today, read below!

Public Service Announcement from my Friends: Damnit, nanashi, stop putting ideas in her head!

-in the background- NOOOOOOOOO! KEEP GIVING ME IDEARS.

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Ongaku Niji

Save :: Mama

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Now, I'm not_ exactly _sure what I did to piss the chocobo off...

_'You're screwing up the future of gaming!'_

It's not my fault!

_'It totally is!'_

How so, mon capitan?

_'I'll figure it out later, just keep running.'_

'Keep running' she says. Like I'm going to stop. Something behind me explodes, somebody yells, smoke can be smelt from a mile away.

Just like home.

The angry green sewer Chocobo, who we've named Chobi, is almost close enough to eat my head. The need for self preservation kicks in and my legs pick up the pace. Chocobos aren't usually green, I can only assume that ShinRa is somehow behind this. Mutated Mako ShinRa sewer chocobos. One step behind golden chocobos, I'm assured.

Chobi warks, I yelp, Cloud hangs onto my hair for dear life.

...My hair got longer, and silverier. I do not like the hint that comes with that statem- Oh Jenova, the mutated mako ShinRa sewer chocobo is attempting to eat Chocobo-head. This has to be some form of cannibalism.

I am unaffected by this turn of events. Nobody should like Cloud, ever.

"Stop it!" I grumble, smacking the Chocobo-head out of the chocobo's mouth. Bad move, it suddenly got it's taste for human back. Grab the Chocobo-head, keep running until you find Seventh Heaven.

Turn left, turn right, avoid running over another elderly woman. Who knew this was how I was going to spend my Monday? Another turn, knock into a prostitute in short-shorts. She screams and flings a rock at me, directly causing me to trip and go over the edge of a bridge. Fortunately, this is Final Fantasy land and I survive with a sprained ankle. Sweet Jenova, I hope it's just a sprain.

The chocobo gives me two seconds to catch my breath and realise it's more than a sprain. Running. Flailing. Stumbling. I'm well out of breath when I finally hit a dead end. I have the choice of diving off a platform or being eaten by a chocobo.

_'At least you'll have a dramatic death.'_

So, here I am. Standing between a plummet and an angry beak. My only protecting is a chibi chocobo man.

Should have studied those damn game maps.

...Wait, didn't I survive getting hit by a car and falling out a window?

_'Allegedly, yes.'_

This place is only a few stories up.

_'You need glasses.'_

You know what? I think I can do this.

The choice wasn't mine anyway. Mr. Chocobo bum rushes me off the platform. That should not be listed as a way to get your food. Maybe it was sent by Weiss, the chocobo king. Gravity pulls myself and the chocobo down, air whips passed us, long silver hair flutters around...

Wait, silver?

_'Oh snap.'_

_...Explain or the spoon threat comes back._

'It seems that you've come farther along than I thought.'

How so?

_'...Just... don't look in any mirrors while we're here. Also, no bathroom.'_

Wha- Oh hey, there's a ground here.

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When I wake up I'm laying on flowers. I'm allergic to flowers.

_'Not anymore.'_

If you're not going to help me you can shut the hell up.

_'Bu-'_

Es. Tee. Eef. Yew.

She's right, though, I'm not breaking out into a coughing fit of death a phlegm. Maybe they were fake flowers? No, they feel real enough. Somewhat velvety and moist. Yellow and white and interesting shapes... Realization hits me like a green mutated sewer chocobo. I'm in the church.

Holy Materia I'm in _the_ church!

Chocobo-head grumbles something as he pulls himself from the field of flowers. His lethal spikes are covered with dirt. I don't care how much I hate him, that's still so damn cute. Hold in a giggle snort.

Fail. Miserably.

Chocobo-head glares at me, attempting to brush the dirt from his hair... but his arms are too short.

...Heehee.

"I hate you so much." he grumbles, still cute.

"Ditto, only I'm a better sport about it." Still glaring, even cuter.

_'KAW-'_

Go back to your emo corner!

_'You're hurting my fe-'_

"BACK DEVIL!"

Cloud must really think I'm insane, I have to be better about voicing my thoughts with the Voice.

_'No comment.'_

I inspect the church, just to make sure that this is, indeed, _the_ church. It is. Cloud has yet to clean up the mess left by Loz and Tifa. Hell, his dirty Geostigma patches are still here. Not a good way to honor Aeris' memory.

Clank! A piece of the roof hit my head.

"Who're you?" a distinctly familiar voice asks. He doesn't sound quite like the American or Japanese VA, more like a mix of the two. Chocobo-head stares up at his larger incarnate, eyes wider than law should allowed. Cloud Strife, Chocobo-head senior, is staring at chocobo-head with a raised eyebrow.

"...Wark?" Fail to stifle another giggle. Cloud's gaze travels over the flowers and up to me. He reaches for his buster sword. That... is not comforting. He didn't even wait for me to answer.

"I am Vash the Stampede, this is my sidekick Pepe." If I'm going to die I'm going to do it with style. Normally I'm not this talkative, especially with Chocobo-heads who want to kill me for some reason. Once I start talking though, the full Emmie comes out of the cocoon and shoots rainbows from her eyes.

...I mean his.

The Voice is laughing again. I'm guessing she had something to do with that. Cloud's still got a hand on his sword. I'm tempted to make a masturbation joke here, but the existence is rated T for 'Tno jokes about sexual stuff'.

"What's with the violent look?" I ask, eyeing his... weapon. Damn, now I can't get it out of my head. Must not giggle like a schoolgirl.

Cloud's giving me a look that makes me really want to laugh. The best way to describe it is a 'pout'. He looks like he needs a cat to love and cherish. He can be the cat lady that lives down the street! Where did I put that Siamese?

_'You're insa-'_

Corner!

"...You remind me of someone." That can't be possible, I don't look like anybody from Final Fantasy. There's a convenient pond near where I'm sitting. The ankle is still not well. I look over and notice that I am, indeed, familiar looking.

Ahem.

Excuse me while I jigai in the corner.

"HOLY FU-"

_'What did I tell you about looking in the mirror?!'_

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I had plastic surgery whilst I was away. Oh, and a sex change.

Still in shock, Cloud's giving me a weird look. Obviously, I am no longer a threat to his spiky head. Chocobo-head is running around the flowers, pretending to be a chocobo. That or, like Vincent, he's finally gone insane. Either one would make perfect sense given the situation.

I'm a woman.

Cloud's got a big 'sword'.

Chocobo-head's warking up a storm.

All is not right with the world.

My hair is no longer the fashion statement of the year, no. It's long and silver and probably hard to manage. How many bottles of shampoo will I have to use?! My skin is still really pale, and my eyes are bi-colored. One red, one green. Luckily, my clothing has managed to stay the same. I look familiar but can't quite place it...

_'You are such an idiot.'_

I want to go home. Vincent eating my arm is eight billion times better than a real life Cloud. His angst will take over my body and make me cut myself.

"So... Vash?" The angst is near me! "What are you doing here?"

"Just call me Emmie. Everybody else does." My real name means nothing anymore. Cloud gives me the kitty look. Wonder what he does in his spare time. Stop wondering, it'll lead to more innuendo about the buster sword. I took time out of my busy schedule of freaking out and dieing to remember the name.

"Same question." Kitty look says answer or die from the angst of it all.

"Well, I was taking the trash out when Chocobo-head," fail to notice the twitch, " RAWR! I ARE THE VAMPIRE, and I fell through a giant hole in the space time continuum. Then I woke up to Weiss' master interrogation plans. We sacrificed Vinnie to escape and were chased by a Mutated Green Sewer Chocobo. I dove off a platform and woke up here, even though this area is nowhere near where I was."

"...Huh?"

Flying hanky, ten o'clock!

"RAWR! I ARE THE VAMPIRE!"

Chomp!

Where's Sephiroth when I need him?

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"MAAAMAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Referenced mini-general is tearing up the town.

"MWETEOW!" Another car was exploded out of the way. Without Chocobo-head to stop him there was no hope for our world. Cerealy. The Silver Trio are dressed in Canadian military garb, complete with the maple leaf flag. Sephiroth lights a bystander on fire with a fire materia(one of many that were stolen from Yuffie).

My house has, yet again, been remodeled. This time it's like a washitsu. When the hell did they have the time to do that? Between MWETEOWs? Sophia and Roommate are wearing the kimonos Tseng bought them for Christmas. ...Isn't Roommate Jewish?

Oh well.

Nobody seems to have noticed that Vincent and Cloud are missing too. Maybe they figured we're all together? Probably didn't matter because Sephiroth wasn't killing people over them.

It is at this moment that I feel like a god.

That may be the hangover.

"We need ta fand him." Sophia states in her most serious voice, sipping her tea. It isn't physically possible for people to talk with hot liquid in their mouth.

"Or Sephiroth will eat the world, I know." he seems disgruntled this morning, "But how? We don't have any clues."

"Sepharath naticed he wasn't here the mament he disappeard. If we calm him dawn he'll pra'ly lead as straight ta him." Another well placed kaboom. We're famous for them.

"How do we do that, General?"

"Marshmallaws." Roommate is the closet thing to anime sweatdroping anybody non-anime will ever get.

"Marshmellows?!"

"Hai."

"Could you please elaborate, commander?"

"Na." Sophia stood, sliding a door open. A samurai-sword was clutched in one hand, a bag of marshmellows in the other. Roommate actually achived a natural sweatdrop, a vein in his forhead is throbbing painfully. It must be hard, being Sophia's subordanet.

Zack flies by her head, dragging Rufus along for the ride, who is cursing up a storm. He has a fear of heights... No, really. Tifa and Yuffie are riding Nanaki, whose back is probably breaking under the weight. Wind blows Sophia's hair dramatically to one side.

_'This is really dramatic.'_

No shi-

_'-take mushrooms for you.'_

"SEPHARATH!" Sophia calls, waving the marshmellows around like a flag, "I HAVE SA-"

With a cry of a warrior, Sephiroth tears the bag open and begins to munch on the gooey goodness. Sophia blinks and takes a light white orb out of her pocket. Where did she- Never mind, I don't want to know. The materia begins to glow and lightning strikes a tree in the distance. A squirrle family is relocated to the projects. Roommate stumbles out of the house.

A flash, everything goes silent.

Bwahaha. Cliffhanger.

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Ongaku Niji

Twenty Two :: End

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-snerk- I made an intellectual comment in that there fic. Let's see who can find it first.

A/N:_ I was watching Afro Samurai... MOTHEREFFING SAMURAI IN THE MOTHEREFFING FUTURE!_

_The fact that somebody would let Sophia into some sort of goverment oriented program scares me greatly._

Nanashi: I just /have/ to answer your review. XD We're, like, on the same wave maaaaaaan. Your ideas/suggestions are incredibly fantastic and I've actually used most of them. A-ri-ga-to! Keep reviewing!

Thanks to all my reviewers! Wolfish, Thunderstorm, sephyandme, Vilecat, Devil, Yargy the Pirate Queen, Nectaris, Shadow, Skavnema, nanashi, Moonshine, 1wngdngl. Non-chibi!Reno for all!

Next Chapter: Officially Dubbed the Plot Arch. Sephiroth is considerable less cuddly when he's chasing you with that sword...

Review or may Cloud fly out of your toilets and eat your mother!


	23. Day One :: of Coconuts

A/N: Nanashi_ is the official co-author here. I think she's smarter than me, which doesn't exactly take much..._

_Praise and insults at the same time. Me talented._

_Oh, and let me just say this: FUCK CANNON._

_And, since nobody got the remark. Jigai(check last chapter) is female suicide. I can't believe nobody got that... actually, I can. I thought it was 'jenga' when I read it over. .._

**Written By:** Nanashi, PoaA

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Vexen, Nyquil, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE ME. Sophia, Emmie, and Roommate © Passè on an Angle.

_**IMPORTANT: If you wish to sign the petition, there be a link in my and Yami-Echo's profiles. I respect your views if you did not with to sign it/didn't sign it. I love all my reviewers. -HEART- If you'd still like to hear about it, reffer back to chapters sixteen and seventeen('The Return' and 'Sparkles and Bullet Holes') or PM Yami-Echo.**_

**WARNING:** I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. There they are standing in the road. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head! Give 'em a twist, a flick of the wrist, that's what the showman said!

...We've changed the direction somewhat, intending to focus more on plot... kinda... maybe... It's time to duel:D

OOCness is a given, btw.

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Ongaku Niji

Day One :: of Coconuts

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Sometimes I wonder if this entire ordeal is just a drug-induced dream.

"I have hostages, give me all the money in the state of Nevada!"

"Um... hold on one moment."

"Give me back my phone."

I'm making a prank call to the telemarketer on Cloud's phone. I have pretend hostages. Still can't get her damn attention. Chocobo-head SR. glares at me, Vinnie's attempting to eat his spikes. Will he get impaled? Pepe the Chocobo-head is still running around the flowers. Somebody should stop him before he hurts himself.

"WARK WARK WA- Thwack!" He's down for the count, ladies and gentlemen! Aeris must have left a rake around, unless Chocobo-head gardens in his spare time. The image of Cloud in gardening gloves with a sunhat is vivid in my mind. Must attempt to not bust a gut.

"So... how did you get here?" Nuclear reaction is immedient. Somewhere a moogle is dieing a horrible death.

...OH MY GOD. ARE YOU ACTUALLY THAT STUPID? DO YOU WORK FOR THE DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDENCY DEPARTMENT? We've been through this, damn you!

_'Stop screaming in here.'_

How is it possible to scream in my mind? I don't hear sound... Never mind, my head is starting to hurt.

_'That's a result of your body being torn apart between worlds...'_

"That doesn't sound very pleasant." I muse out loud, Cloud gives me a confused look. All of Cloud's looks are just a more exaggerated form of this one.

"What?" he asks.

"I'm talking to myself, go be emo in a corner." He would kill me if he knew what emo meant. Fortunately Cloud is oblivious to pop culture and its nerdy glasses. He's still vaguely insulted.

"What's emo?" He doesn't really expect a decent answer, does he?

"Emo stands for emoticon. I'm implying that you're a ball of yellow pixels with a specific face that never changes. My guess is that you'd be colon cry colon or frowny-face." This appears to have gone way over Cloud's head. He blinks stupidly, I sigh loudly. What an idiot. No wonder I wanted to wipe out this stupid planet.

_'...You stole my line!'_

Not intentionally.

"Right... I don't think you should be wandering around on your own." That's Cloud-speak for 'I don't trust you but don't have enough reason to kill you'. I think. Forgot the Cloud translator book at home, Chocobo-head JR is no help. As I go to pick him up I notice a shadow looming behind one of the pillars, it's drooling.

_'Hey, how long has it been since you've had a Boss Battle?'_

Long enough, I guess.

It takes Cloud a second longer to notice we're surrounded by cyber-wolves. Those DoC wolf-things that gave Vincent(and myself) a hell of a hard time. There were so damn many of them. This group is relatively small, only about seven or eight. I'm still injured, not really fit to fight, but it doesn't seem I'll have much of a choice. Instantly Cloud's up, his buster-sword is raised.

If all else fails I could just let Chocobo-head fend for himself...

Cloud barely lunges when four of the six, I counted, attacked. No time to worry about him. One of the others is circling me faster than I can keep up. Chocobo-Pepe is clutched tightly in my grasp. Here goes nothing.

"OMG?" Chibi Cloud sounds surprised. The wolf looks surprised too. Now I'm without a weapo-

"CHOMP!"

-Thanks, Universal Power! Detach removable chibi and fling him at the other cyber wolf, who promptly gets its tail bitten. I wince, almost feeling sorry for the 'poor dear'.

_'...Snerk.'_

I can keep a straight face either.

Cloud is handling his lot just fine. Even if he wasn't I wouldn't be worried. Aeris would be all 'LIFE 3' and Cloud would be all 'ALIVE'! Chibi Cloud is clinging to a cyber wolf's head, pulling at his ears. Vincent... is turning a cyber wolf into a cyber vampire wolf. It's running in a circle, attempting to get Vincent off it's tail.

Welcome to the Club. We meet Thursdays.

"Make yourself useful!" What the hell? A sharp weapon is flung at me, nearly succesfully kabobing me. Luckiely I'm faster now for some yet to be explained reason. I am the master.

...Does Cloud just keep swords stocked in that mountain of hair? This isn't even the type of sword he normally carries. It's a short katana, a yellow materia is equipped in the hilt. I'm sending Vincent in for a recognisance mission after this is done. Zack may not be dead, just lost in that spiky forest. At least I finally know where he keeps all his items...

I don't know how to use a sword. My specialty is tennis rackets and chibi bombs.

_'Just relax.'_

There will be no relaxing!

_'Bu-'_

No relaxing!

There's always an alpha male to a pack. I figured it was one of the four Cloud was fighting but I was wrong. See, the leader of this particular group is the king of freak wolves. It has three rabid, snarling heads and is taller than me on it's hind legs. One of them spits out a red ball as it approaches me.

_'So that's what happened to that moogle...'_

This sucks. I did not sign up for this when I let Sephiroth into my house. I signed up for general chaos and mayhem, yes, but not death via mini-Cerberus. Pardon the namesake. I hold the katana in front of me tightly. Should I run away?

The Cerberus lunges.

Am I going to _die_?

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Sephiroth decided to no longer be chibi. I'm sure that makes the marshmallows he's currently munching less filling. Sophia grins like a cat, twirling on her heels. Roommate and the rest of the chibis are... incredibly surprised.

"I diiiiiiid iiiiiiiit! Wahaa!"

"Commander?" Roommate says, Sophia twirls once more before stopping in front of him.

"Ya?"

"How did you do that?" The probability of him getting an answer is the probability of lightning striking a spoon.

"Ma's mataria." she explains, holding up the glowing white orb. Somewhere in Oregon a spoon has been zapped out of existent.

"I thought materia couldn't exist outside of this world." Rod and Rude attempted to get Rufus off of Tseng, who was on Reno. Elena is sitting off to the side, unmistakeably unchibi still. Thought the ride would have changed her. The only person affected by the jump seems to be Sephy-kins and his non-chibiness. Will he murder everybody now?

"...Mawsmewo..."

No, all is safe.

The town they're in resembles the old west in many ways. Dust is everywhere and the buildings look raggedy. It's too quite, there are no people living there anymore. Probably a ShinRa related incident. Perhaps Deepground, because there appears to be a few hundred running around. Of course, Sophia doesn't notice this until one of them shoots at her. Cue the running, the screaming, and the chaos.

From Deepground. Nobody messes with my cousin and lives.

"What the he-!" A titanium baseball bat appears in Roommate's hands. Sephiroth's Masamune, Elena's gun, and Sophia's katana do the same. The chibis remain weaponless. I have to wonder if the chibi mechanics no longer work in this world. I also wonder how I know this is going on.

_'Mysteries, mysteries.'_

Final Fantasy VII battle music is playing in the background. Will a chocobo wander in randomly? Do they have to take turns fighting one opponent?

Sophia runs forward and slices a DGS in half, the words OVER KILL appear above his carcass. They're using FFVII fighting system while Cloud and I were using... nothing. Sephiroth slices the last three quicker than they could blink. Roommate doesn't have to do jack, but still gains experience.

Victory music is playing somewhere.

Vaguely wonder if this was just my imagination. Acknowledge that I no longer posses the ability to imagine.

More DGS are alerted to their location, but Sephiroth is distracted. He gazes towards the west worriedly.

"Mother!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I duck out of the way; Cerberus is faster than me and blocks off my exit. This sucks, metaphorically speaking. I'm going to die for the first time this year. Where the hell is Sephiroth when I need him?

_'Relax and focus.'_

I'm not even going to point out the flaws in that.

_'Just do i- Move right!'_

I normally don't listen to her for squat, but now is not the time to argue. I leap right but one of the heads manage to chomp on my arm. Can't quite describe the pain because I've never felt anything like it before. Like a large rock cutting into your skin and thrashing around? Cerberus flings me across the church, I land on a pile of glass and wood. Something sharp cuts into my back and side. Pain overloads my senses and everything goes dark.

...Still dark.

Not getting any darker over here.

This is anti-climactic.

_'One two three.'_

Forty-two!

_'Four five six.'_

Are cherry blossom petals floating in the distance?

_'Seven eight nine.'_

"We're all very happy you can finally count? Know what comes next? Ten." If you go by Star Wars it's four, five, six, one, two, three, ten.

_'Get up or it'll eat yooooouuuuu.'_

I'm not dead, not yet. I really don't want to die. The yellow materia in the katana explodes, sending a wave of electricity through the Cerberus. It yelps, falling backwards. Two of the heads begin fighting with each other, the more sensible one is whimpering. The three get their heads together and run off. Damn.

How powerful was that thing?

Cloud just finishes off his last wolf. Some ex-SOLDIER he is. Pshaw. I examine the tattered remains of my sleeve to discover that the wound is healed. Only wet blood is left. There's no pain from my back or side, but my clothes are pretty much ruined.

"_Do dododo do dododooooo!_ Experience: 855. Level up!" I state, attempting to wipe the blood off. Cloud approaches... unharmed. That miserable bastard. Chocobo-head pries RAWR! I AM THE VAMPIRE! away from the cyberwolf's carcass. There be no more blood left in that drained wolf, Vinnie.

Cloud notices there isn't any more wound to treat. He stares at me for a few minutes, specifically my eyes. Did a wolf bite him too hard? Can he no longer process thoughts?

"Have you ever been Mako-enhanced before?" he asks.

"...Huh?" Taking a page from Cloud's Guide to Conversation.

_'Biatch, I AM THA MAKO!'_

Cloud, with a stone-straight face, takes a compact out of his pocket and flips it open. Is he Sailor Moon on weekends? My eyes are glowing creepiely. The green one is a softer glow, the red one is sharp and bright.

_'That maaaaaay be my fault.'_

I'm aware that all of the world's troubles are your fault.

_'Don't rub it in.'_

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"You're not doing it right." the former fairy princess comments, watching me attempt to mix a drink. Key word: Attempt. Pay attention, this is on the test.

"Why do you know how to mix a cocktail?" I ask, drinking my mad concoction... and immediantly dribbling it back into my glass. It tastes like a mix between sour milk and... rum. Rum the drink of pirates! Who knew pixelated drinks could be so disgusting?

Pirates are so much cooler than ninjas. They bury treasure. Who knows, maybe they hate treasure! That's how cool they are.

...Sorry, I left for a while. I'm back now.

"I live in a bar." Marlene replies.

Vinnie is sleeping on the counter, curled up in his cloak. Chocobo-Pepe is sitting on the counter, watching Marlene and I with mild interest. Cloud thought I was enough of a threat to take me back to Seventh Heaven. I think he just didn't want me going around looking for heads in boxes ala Silver Trio.

_'What he doesn't know is that you don't have to go around looking for heads in boxes.'_

Seems like an interesting hobby, though.

Tifa's breasts are larger in reality than portrayed in hentai and fanpictures. She must have had them put it as floatation devices. Seriously, they have their own gravity pull, the drunken idiots that leer around here prove it. Her chibi's breats are sma- why do I know what her chibi's breats look like? I shouldn't even be able to envision them.

Urge to jab spork in my ear rising.

"Who are you?" she asks, blinking. Strange women mixing drinks in her bar in the middle of the day and all she can say is 'who are you'. Still, I prefer her company over Cloud's.

"Fluffy, destroyer of worlds." I reply without missing a beat.

_'The sad thing is, you're not too far off.'_

Say what now?

"Huh?" That's got to be the most overused 'word' in the universe. What does Webster say about 'huh'?

"She says her name is Emmie." I can't believe I got Cloud to say 'Emmie'. I must be a god.

"Emmie, huh?" There it is again, "What is she doing here, Cloud?" She doesn't even notice Chibi Cloud.

_'Why not ask me? I have all the answers.'_

No you don't.

_'Yes I do.'_

No you don't. Know why? Because I'm Ben Frank-a-lin. Do dee do.

"She looks like Sephiroth, doesn't she?" You're just seeing him everywhere, aren't you Cloud?

"Yeah... but-"

"I have a feeling." And it's left at that. Cloud has a 'FEELING' and I get to stay. How come Chocobo-head doesn't have feelings? Speaking of which...

Grab Chocobo-head, shove him at Marlene.

"He will be your new best friend forever and ever." Marlene blinks before taking him. Bwahaha. Now, to get rid of Vinnie...

"Where's she going to sleep?" Tifa asks. They only have so many beds.

"Wherever." Cloud shrugs.

"You can sleep in my bed." Marlene offers.

"Too small." Tifa shoots her down like an AK47. Did that similie make sense?

"The floor?" Cloud, I hate you.

"No, no. We can't make her sleep on the floor." In the parlor with the candlestick?

"You can sleep with me." Tifa decides, smiling softly. No! I don't want her bazookas to crush me.

_'Too bad.'_

"Screw you guys. I'm sleeping on the roof."

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Ongaku Niji

Twenty Three :: End

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A/N: _There are no coconuts mentioned in this chapter. At all. W.T.F._

Thanks to all our reviewers! Irish, Vilecat, Thunderstorm, Moonshine, Shadow, sephyandme, Kumiko, Wolfish, Devil, LittleBrick, Skavnema, 1wngd, and Yargy. Live action cerberus gun complete with 250+ clips all around. Feel free to hold up a local WalMart. :3

Next Chapter: Day Three... Er, two! Two! Cliffhanger unhanged, continue reading!

Review or may Elena shoot you with a chicken launcher!


	24. Day Two :: Female Influence

A/N: _We're taking Ongaku Niji in a fresher direction. New monsters, more plot(haha, right), more chibi mayhem. _Nanashi_ and I are gonna be experimenting a little, see how far we can take this. Bwahahaha._

Nanashi _came up with an incredibly way to display stats and whatnot for the battles. It's really clever as far as I'm concerend. Just thought I'd point that out._

**Written By:** Nanashi, PoaA

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Vexen, Nyquil, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE ME. Sophia, Emmie, and Roommate © Passè on an Angle.

_**IMPORTANT: If you wish to sign the petition, there be a link in my and Yami-Echo's profiles. I respect your views if you did not with to sign it/didn't sign it. I love all my reviewers. -HEART- If you'd still like to hear about it, reffer back to chapters sixteen and seventeen('The Return' and 'Sparkles and Bullet Holes') or PM Yami-Echo.**_

**WARNING**: I sort of imply incest between Nero and Weiss. Don't go 'EW' because it's so freaking there. D: I wish it wasn't, but the implications are in the damn game. Nobody can convince me that that was brotherly love... Did anybody else notice that Nero and Vincent's first fight was really just about who was more ANGST?

OOCness is a given.

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Ongaku Niji

Day Two :: Female Influence

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Nero has separation issues, or issues in general. Swallowing your mother at birth and being raised by ShinRa did that.

Our silver haired antagonist... Weiss is sitting on his throne, reading a Cosmo. I wasn't aware they even had Cosmo on Gaia. Maybe it branched out farther than we thought. Nero stops in front of him, looking especially angsty today. Weiss doesn't even look up.

"Do you have any news?" Silver super star asks, Nero nods then goes off into la la land.

Several minutes of unadulterated silence.

"...Would you like to tell me it?" Weiss finally breaks. Nero blinks twice before slightly grimacing. He doesn't like his brother's current obsession with the Sephiroth-like girl. If Weiss needed to obsess over anything, why couldn't it be him?

_'Dot dot dot.'_

That's the only way to describe our feelings?

"She was spotted in Edge, at a local abandoned building to be precise. One of the Cerberus attacked but did not succede in capturing her."

It was trying to capture me?

_'Couldn't you tell?'_

It threw me across the church.

_'It's a superior form of trap.'_

Throwing people onto glass and wood?

"Why no-?" Nero dares to cut him off.

"There's more, brother," he looks troubled, "Cloud Strife was with her, as well as the creature that attacked you." Vinnie is clearly able to thwart the plans of an evil mastermind. Hojo, not Weiss. Weiss is about as mastermindful as a kitten. He's about as cute as one too. I bet his hair rivals that of the infamous Chocobo-head.

"I think we should inform our troops of this..." Weiss states, Nero nods.

Enough about those emo losers. There's the question as to how I'm able to observe these events yet be somewhere else at the same time. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure how this is possible.

_'Do not question what you do not understand.'_

How am I suppose to understand it if I can't question?

_'...Wiki it.' _

Touchè.

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Tifa kicked me off the bed twelve times. I should have left after the fifth, but I had to be practicle about it. There wasn't another place to sleep else, except for Chocobo-head's bed, and he's pretty much ready to kill me at any given moment. I didn't chance it, and instead spent my night sleeping on the bar.

Only, when I wake up I'm nowhere near the bar. In fact, I'm sleeping on a comfortable bed. It smells like Chocobo-head, so this means that I'm sleeping in Cloud's bed.

'Scues me, I'm going to have a T rated moment to collect myself.

"OH FREAKING HECK MY GAWD WHAT THE H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS!?!?!" That may have been K, I doubt it matters.

Chocobo-head is nowhere to be found. Vinnie is sleeping on the pillows next to me. I either sleepwalked him and myself here or Cloud carried us here. That's sweet. Creepy, but sweet outweighs creepy by 2 pounds.

_'Use the metric system!'_

Screw that. You commies and your commie metric system. Filled with centimeters and centipedes. Insects! Communist insects, they are!

_'It's too early to be using the metric system?'_

How'd you guess?

Marlene comes bouncing into the room, Chocobo-head JR clutched in her grasp.

"Wake up! Wake up! Waaaaaaaake uuuuuuup!"

"RAWR! I AM- MRPH!" Push arm in the way before Marlene becomes a chibi vampire fairy princess. I didn't even notice the move until I feel the blood dribble down my arm. Blink blink. How did I do that?

_'...Reflexes?'_

Marlene sits on my lap, grinning like a cat.

"It's time for breakfast." I blink twice, attempting to register the information. What is this breakfast she speaks of? I give her my best evil eye.

"No it isn't." I reply, grabbing the covers and pulling them over my head. Marlene pouts, but I can't see therefor am unaffected.

"Yes it is!" Vincent's attempting to draw more blood.

"No, go away!" Grumble, leave me aloooooone! Marlene's weight disappears off the bed, I hear footsteps and the shutting of the door. Victory! More footsteps, heavier.

_'Not quite.'_

"Get up now!" Tifa rips the blankets off and sends me spiralling out the door. All in one motion. Damn, that woman's strong when she wants to be. I literally tumble down the stairs and into the bar.

_'Snerk.'_

Not one word.

Tifa saunters down the stairs, Marlene grins at me. I hate them both with a passion. The future controllers of the universe. Damn women.

"Cloud wants me to help you obtain more skills." I look around, she can't be talking to me.

"Why? He thinks I'm going to destroy the world with a giant meteor." Tifa stares at me.

"What?" NO YOU. "Anyway, he says you need to learn to defend yourself if those guys are after you." What guys, where? When did we get here? Who the hell are you? Where are we?! Who am I?!

"Where is Chocobo-head, anyway?" Tifa gives me a look, not appreciating my nickname for him.

"Delivering something. He left after you went to bed." How did I get to his bed then? Magic?

_'The correct term would be 'magick'.' _

It was magic before the Wicca religion bloomed in 1950, it'll be magic after Wiccanism dies in 2010.

_'I was talking about FFXII. They use magick.'_

...Oh. Screw them!

Tifa shoves a compact under my nose while I'm fighting with myself. No thanks, I don't need any make-up. I open it, instantly a picture of my head looking off to the side appears, along with HP: 155 MP: 60 EXP: 295 and a red bar. It says lvl 6.

LEVEL _SIX_?!

_'That's actually pretty good, considering you've only fought one monster.'_

"It shows you're health, magic, and status." Tifa explains, "It also keeps track of your items, beastiary and gil. You can check for the names of items too."

That's it? That's how fighters keep themselves from the DEATH?

Marlene pokes me out of my stupor. She's holding a pink backpack that seems to have seen better days.

"We don't really have anything, but this works pretty well. You can keep your items in it." I open it, expecting to see a void of eternal darkness. Nope, just an ordinary backpack with a few materia balls. Fire and a few potions. I don't think I could use the other ones anyway. My level is only _six_.

Fucking level six.

_'That's your curse for the day, you know that.'_

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"So, where are we going?" I ask, Tifa smiles secretively. I don't suppose she notices the tattered back of my shirt. Nope, everybody on this planet is completely clueless except for Tseng, former President ShinRa, and Jenova. Everybody else was pretty much an idiot.

_'Why thank you.'_

We're in the desert, Tifa and I, in order to collect gil and experience points. There aren't very many monsters left, not after Cloud's little crusade across the land. That bastard killed them all for money... or I killed them all for money. One of us was in control when the killing was done. Despite what we did, we could never get away from those random battles.

Marlene is at Seventh Heaven, having a tea party with Chocobo-head and RAWR!

The random encounters will never end.

Suddenly something appears in front of us. It's long and bluish and... a _shark_, but it's on land. It's a land shark. My katana appears in my hand, music is playing somewhere.

Huh... it's a shark on land.

_'Oh snap, it's a LAND SHARK!'_

"It's a land shark," Tifa states, getting into battle position, "Think you can handle it?"

No. No. No. No. "I'm sure I can." I answer cockily, my male ego gets the better of me.

"Good." Tifa disappears. Just disappears. I guess this means I'm on my own. Fighting a land shark. Sophia and I took surfing lessons as children, what did the instructor say about sharks? Kick them in the nose? Punch them in the throat?

Kiss your least favorite limb goodbye!

Mr. LAND SHARK seems to be waiting for me to attack. Now that I'm in a party I have to take turns? In the back of my mind I wonder if some crazy Final Fantasy VII fan is controlling my actions. I rush forward and swing at the shark's nose. Bad move on my part. It almost gets my arm but I trip over my feet and fall down. The shark has to turn around, it's body keeps it from making sharp turns.

Freaking land shark.

I get up with a relatively safe feeling. Tifa will come help me if things get too bad. If she doesn't I'll just haunt her for eternity. Or until Omega carries us all off to another world. Whatever happens first.

Round two. Mr. LAND SHARK makes the first attack. His eyes look green, must remember to 'thank' Woofus and Hojo for this. Hey, could this entire fiasco have been the result of Rufus' Mako cannon?

_'How should I know?'_

Sharkie lunges again, this time it gets a hold of my arm and sinks it's teeth in. Not as bad as the Cerberus fight, but it still hurts. Suddenly the monster lets go and is pulled backwards. Blood trickles down my arm and I start feeling light headed. Instantly I take out a potion. It explodes, green bubbles attack the wound then disappear.

Final Fantasy 101: Potions can cure wounds, but not cancer, Mako poisoning, any mental illness, stupidity, or a hangover. Also, phoenix down will not bring back the dead, only the KO'd.

Round three... will not occur due to death. A vine shoots out from behind a large boulder and strangles the shark. Several more vines come out begin wrapping around the shark. The new monster looks like a sunflower with razor sharp teeth... and vines. The newest evolution of tentacle monster! _RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!_

Tifa looks mildly interested.

It rips the shark apart, blood splatters across the area. It splashes across my face, something inside me snaps a little. A bit got in my mouth and I almost vomit. This is disgusting, not fun at all.

I want to go home.

I didn't notice there was a vine heading for me until it was too late. Tifa rushed in front of me, taking the hit. She's a higher level, she'll be fine.

Or not, she hugs her stomach and hits the ground. I twitch slightly, a vine wraps around my leg and lifts me into the air above the mouth. I'm screwed. So screwed.

Where Sephiroth? Mama misses him so much...

_'You only miss his mweteow.'_

"Sephiroth!"

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Sephiroth is sitting on a rock, munching some marshmellows. He seems to be quite happy with himself.

A group of DGS body parts are lying all around him. Masamune is oddly clean. Roommate is attempting to get the blood out of his kimono. Sophia and Yuffie are bowling with a helmet and some rocks. Loz and Kadaj are using materia from the uniforms to make a Jenova doll. Loz is crying about something.

Everybody else just sweatdrops.

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Tifa uses her antidote and critical hits the sunflower. Thank god for women with fighting ability. Girl power! Burn those bras! Iron my shirt!

Millions of feminists put my name on their death list.

I'm dropped by the sunflower. I have to roll to avoid being hit by another vine. This thing does not want to die. It attempts to snatch me again, I dodge and slice one of it's vines off. It screams in pain, instantly shooting two more vines at me. I barely escape those, one brushes against my shoulder and it burns. Damn poisen. After five minutes of this I get annoyed and begin slashing away.

It's still alive.

This is impossible!

"Just use fire." Tifa calls while downing a potion.

_'Like that's going to-'_

I use fire, the plant is instantly broiled. It's body becomes black and burnt, it smells like fruit drink. The flower falls off, landing in front of me. 188 gil pops out, along with a soft potion and a small packet of white powder. I open my compact.

It reads: Itching Powder. Use it on enemies who you just want to annoy.

"LVL Up??? LVL: 7!"

_'...I wasn't aware monsters carried itching powder.'_

I did all that for 188 gil?

"...Damn." is all I can say. That was a truly worthless experience.

"That's pretty good for your first try. He was two levels higher than you, too." He? It was a he? Well, that explains the length of the vines... Sorry, couldn't resist. Tifa picks up the spoils... only to find out that she can't. She looks at me.

"Open your compact." she orders, I do so. She clicks a few buttons and out pops my gil total.

??? Gil: 1,000,000,000.

I like how my name is ???. Gives me no character.

At least I know the gil I earned as Cloud didn't go to waste.

"How did you get all this?" Tifa asks, handing the compact back to me.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." Actually, she may. She did, after all, help save the world.

_'I hate her.'_

You hate everybody.

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Tifa's shoves me in the shower and turns the water on.

I don't think I can get any more blunt. As soon as we arrived back she said I stunk and threw me in the shower, not even letting me undress. The water takes five minutes to get warm, or my body takes five minutes to get used to it. Either way, it was cold for five minutes of my time in here.

My hair is too long, it's going to take this entire bottle of shampoo to get it clean. Damn.

"Emmie, where are your clothes?" Tifa's voice asks from behind the curtain.

"...on the floor." I mumble, blood rushes to my face. At least I have something to take my mind off the fact that I have breasts and a vagina. Really, it's going to be a blast washing these. I think all my blood is rushing to my face, my toes are starting to feel tingly.

"That's it? Where's your underwear and bras?" Do I really need a bra?

"I don't have any." I think she's floored. Are bras really that important? I've never actually worn one...

"I'll get you some of mine but it'll be too big. Hurry up, I'm taking you shopping for something when you're done." Then I'm never coming out. There's no way I'm going to get undressed in front of other people, even if this isn't my body. No. No. No. No. No.

**NO!**

Forty minutes later Marlene's tugging me down a random street in Edge. Being a man in a woman's body means I get the worst of both worlds. Women feel it okay to talk to me about personal issues and I cannot say no to them without feeling guilty. Luckily I haven't gotten hit on yet, or I'm too dense to notice that I've gotten hit on.

Cosmetics and undergarments are our first stop. I really don't want to be here. My face feels like it's literally on fire. Maybe it is, I have yet to look in a mirror. Too ashamed to look myself in the eye. Tifa's old shirt is too big for me. Marlene suggesting something of Clouds... to which I burst out laughing. The concept of a Sephiroth look-alike running around dressed like Cloud makes me giggle with glee.

_'GLEE!'_

Chocobo-head glares at me. Vinnie is hanging around my neck. Chibi bling, yo.

Tifa gives me a few different styles of underwear. Boxer-shorts for women, normal cotton, lacy ones, and the g-string... The bras are similar. Does she think I'm going to pimp myself out? Perhaps _she's_ going to pimp me out. The g-string and lacy ones are already 'lost', I decide on the normal cotton underwear and a white sports bra. Normal. Plain. Simple.

"It isn't like anybody's going to be getting into them..." Chocobo-head, whose in the dressing room with me and Vinnie, gives me a _look_.

I probably shouldn't have said that.

_'No. No you should not have.'_

...I'm gonna go cry now.

Lucky us, with my purchase of seven pairs of cotton underwear(much to Tifa's dislike) and five sports bras I get two free bottles of red hair dye! I'd like to know why they're giving out hair dye, but decide not to ask. Don't wanna open up a can of worms.

"Are you going to dye your hair?" Marlene asks.

"Yes," I answer, "and I'm going to cut it too. Tifa, you're out of shampoo... and towels."

"...Huh?"

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The next store is just clothing. Everybody in Edge wears black or brown. I'm not sure why, maybe Nomura ran out of ink. Everything in this item shop is also black or brown or white. Different shades of similar colors. The creators really got lazy when making this place. They sell red hair dye but black clothing? What happened to Cloud's dress?

Nothing in here catches my eyes. Yes, I'm picky when it comes to what I wear. All the items Tifa's picked out so far are... just not my style. Short shirts with long shirts, long pants with short shirts. Maybe she expects me to want to show off a little skin. I'm not trying to get anybody to notice me, so drawing attention to myself is out of the question.

I stop, something stands out.

A kimono similar to Yuna's is hanging on one of the racks. It's nearly identical, except it lacks the arms, designs, and the color is more of a transparent tan. There are Japanese-style slippers sitting on the shelf above them. The fanboy in me says to get it. The sensible side that's going to college says that I'll go to hell if I even consider purchasing it, Yuna was a twit version of Aeris.

Which one wins?

Tifa, Marlene, the chibis, and I leave the store. I'm dressed in my new tan-white kimono. Satan is surprised to find my name on his new list of souls. I was such a good little boy...

The armor store is literally right next to this clothing store. I don't intend on fighting anymore, but Tifa says I need protection. Silly woman, that's what the sword is for.

_'This is going to bite you in the ass later.'_

My ass is too flat to bite, thank you very much.

She pulls a bunch of crap from the shelves. Potions, antidotes, a bangle, a protection ring, and a whole bunch of stuff I can't even recognise. She says something about having to keep myself protected in a rough place like this. I'm not a doll... and I'd like to point out that my billion gil is what's paying for this. I'm sure we could buy the entire store. Maybe all of Edge.

_'Dooooo iiiiiiit. Become an evil dictator.'_

No thanks, I like sleeping in.

Another slot is added to my katana by sheer willpower/money. Tifa slips another materia into it and shoves it back into my pack. What's with all the shoving? I bruise easily.

_'But you're not a doll.'_

Dolls don't bruise.

These items are lightweight, I don't even feel them. The new materia she stuffed in my bag seems to be light too.

_Final Fantasy 101: Armor will never be visible. Ever. Your characters will never speak of it, never look at it, never think about it. The armor store is virtually unusable to them. They will never remember anything that goes on inside of armor stores._

I have a feeling that somebody, somewhere, is reading a guidebook on the rules of Final Fantasy. Who?

"Crash!" says the wall. Two battles in one day seems like a little much, but I need the practice. Chibi Cloud pulls out his sword, standing in front of Marlene. That's cute. Vinnie gnaws at his ropes. This monster won't be any use to him, though.

It's a mech, a prototype of security guard. Which one of the Tsviets can manipulate mechanical devices, I wonder?

Mental note: kill Shelke.

Now I can use my new materia! Yay! Only not, I don't want to do any more fighting, dammit. Tifa rushes towards the robot and gets a few good punches before falling back next to me.

"Are you going to help or what?!" No, I'm going to let you handle this Oh Champion. I sigh, loudly and irritable, raising my sword and bum rushing the monster. It hits me before I'm even ten feet away with a laser. A LA-ZER. When do freaking security guards have freaking laser beams? Never mind, there's no reason to make sense.

"Fire!" I yell. The mech dodges and the spell hits a bystander. The man runs around, accidentally catching other people on fire. They run around until somebody casts a water spell. The now group falls in a twitching heap.

Oops?

"Um... Thunder?" Dodges again, this time some poor girl is shocked senseless, her hair turns into the AFRO from HELL. Maybe I should stop using spells, this seems to be getting me nowhere. The mech attacks, a net flies out from somewhere. Tifa pushes me out of the way. She and two others are trapped and shocked by the net.

"Damn you!" I growl, "I KNOW _KUNG FUUUU_!"

Oh no I don't, but I can make something up.

"Blizzard!" It works, miraculously, and the monster stops moving for a few seconds. In that time I'm able to place a bomb in the compartment where the net came from and slice it's arm off.

The bomb explodes and the robot crumbles.

Victory music plays in the distance. I cockily walked up to Mr. Badass Robot Guy.

"Not so tough, huh?" 'Huh' is something only the Japanese say naturally. Even thought hey don't. It's 'ano' I think.

I slid my katana into the mech for the final blow. Something clicks off and the robot turns red.

_'Holy materia, run!'_

**KABOOM!**

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Ongaku Niji

Twenty Four :: End

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A/N: _I have nothing against Wiccans. A Pagan friend asked me to put that comment in. ; I have no idea what this implies. _Please don't kill me.

Thanks to all our reviewers! Moonshine, Yargy, Vilecat, Kameko, Devil, Sanjuno, sephyandme, and Skavnema! Umumumum. Complimentary Shera airship for all! Become airship pirates!

Next Chapter: Day Three! Cliffhanger is uncliffed!

Review or slip on a banana peal.


	25. Day Three :: Effing Orange

A/N: _My name is Katelyn, this is my story: Sooooo, I've been away for a while(I had nanashi freaked out. Go me!) I got really sick. When I got better my mind went 'DETRIMINED MODESZ' and I decided to go back to school. My body said 'screw you and the horse you rode in on' and made me collapse in the middle of PE(lolololol, take THAT Mrs. Jockstrap). Sooooooo, I was in the hospital for the better part of two weeks, and in my bed for a few days._

_;; I MISSED MY INTERNETS_. -hugs everybody in the room-

Nanashi: _Yes, I know it's PoaA story, but let me add this: I Am The Plot Master!!! All shall bow before my genius mind of plotting Mwua... choke, sputter clearing her through... umm let me try that again, Muwahahahaha!_

_Written By:_ Nanashi, PoaA

_Disclaimer_: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Vexen, Myspace, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE ME. Sophia, Emmie, and Roommate © Passè on an Angle.

_**IMPORTANT: If you wish to sign the petition, there be a link in my and Yami-Echo's profiles. I respect your views if you did not with to sign it/didn't sign it. I love all my reviewers. -HEART- If you'd still like to hear about it, reffer back to chapters sixteen and seventeen('The Return' and 'Sparkles and Bullet Holes') or PM Yami-Echo.**_

**WARNING:** -runs around-

OOCness is a given.

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Ongaku Niji

Day Three :: Effing Orange

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Starring down the throat of a giant cyber-spider I can only think one thought.

Cloud's handwriting is just bad.

There's no other way around it. It doesn't suck, it doesn't blow, it creates a void of paradox and screwed up letters. He needs to go back to school.

A bit of time has passed since the robot incident. Killing Shelke is still on my to-do list(as well as picking up some fake tan) and I reunited with senior Chocobo-head. I'm fine and actually gained a level with that fight, or so says the compact. I wonder what level Weiss is... Did it say in DoC?

Anyway, Cloud doesn't like me. How do I know? Well, he gave me a map and shoved me out the door. No explanations here, just 'Wham, bam, thank you maam.' I feel so... used.

Reeve wants to meet me. That's always a good thing. Cloud didn't say much about it, but the compact did. It said 'Mission: Go to the WRO base.' Why does the compact know that when I do not? Somebody explain it, please, I'm at a loss for words.

Oh, and about the robot attack... You see, I remember it quite clearly, seeing as how it was only yesterday. The robot turned read and-

_'You know what this means?'_

I'm in the middle of a life or death situation here!

_'FLASHBACK!'_

Oh shi-

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_'PROTECKTIANS BURRIERSZ.'_

...Okay, I guess that guard brace worked... I still feel that I was right.

Mr. Robot is now a heap of scrap metal. Fortunately, I am unharmed and read to stabbity anything else that tries to kill me. Fortunately... right. Tifa gets up, Marlene tugs at my arm. I turn slightly, she opens my compact and shoves it in my face.

"REVERU UPU!" it says... somebody should get that fixed. My level reads '10' because, well, I defeated a way higher level monster. How cool am I? Going from 7 to 10 in less than half a chapter.

_'Er, hour.'_

Yeah, hour.

_'Shifty eyes.'_

I walk over to Tifa and attempt to take the electonet off... unfortunately, it still has some shocking power. The second my finger touched it my entire hair goes into an afro. Pretty sure the hair absorbed the shock... I grab the net with my other hand and fling it across the area. Marlene flings a potion at Tifa. It explodes and, with the miracle that is Final Fantasy Laws, Tifa is completely fine.

"That was pretty good." she says with a smile. Somehow, I believe she planned all of this. Damn woman, "But you're still nowhere near as strong as Cloud or I. Hell, I'm pretty sure Reeve could take you on at this point."

_'Bitch, don't make me take out my weave.'_

Hush.

"So... home no-" I didn't even get to finish my 'now' when a voice cuts me off. The LCD screen above us flickers on, a figure ap- Wait a fucking second. Edge is pretty much full of poor, sick people right? Why the HELL do they have a giant LCD screen attached to the wall in the shopping district? Couldn't they have used that money to fix everything the MWETEOW broke?

_'Rant rant rant. Is that all you ever do?'_

YES!

It's Weiss, and he's talking about some evil plan to do something... evil. I ignore him(like any good mother should) until Tifa gasps and turns to me. I look to her, then up at the screen. A fuzzy picture of 'me' spread out against the church floor appears. My eyes are half-closed and there's a puddle of blood under me. ...It looks like some sort of twisted hentai picture... but somewhat beautiful. All it needs are some black roses and we've got a Myspace layout!

Tifa shuffles through her shopping bag and almost immediately slams a hat onto my head. Like that's going to hide my MASSIVE AMOUNT OF SILVER HAIR from the world's view. She takes my hair as if to put it in a pony tail... but slices it off at my shoulders... with my _own_ katana. That bitch.

_'NOOOOOOOO!'_

I missed the part where I consented to this.

_'...my hair...'_

"I was thinking of cutting it anyway," I say, watching the strands fall to the floor. I'm less noticeable this way, I guess. What was Weiss saying? Something about capture? Well, hell. I don't want to be that sadistic bastard's prisoner.

Hojo, not Weiss. I wouldn't mind being Weiss' prisoner...

...That didn't come out right.

_'Babe, there was no way you could have said that any better.'_

I should just keep my thoughts to myself... Er. Myselves.

We manage to make it back to Seventh Heaven without incident. Apparently Deepground was on a coffee break. Cloud's waiting for us, most likely Marlene and Tifa, with a scruffy looking kid. He's familiar... but I can't quite place his name...

"Denzel!" Marlene chimes happily. That's it, apparently. Vinnie flies around my head unexpectedly, I yelp and snatch him up. There will be no flying vampires in this here bar. Chocobo-head blinks, jumping from my shoulder to the counter. What am I, a taxi?

"Who're you?" Denzel asks, staring at me. I stare back, shoving RAWR! I AM A VAMPIRE! under my arm.

"Emmie." I say, my voice sounds strange. Sweet and slightly high, not like me at all. Huh. Maybe I went through puberty again. ...I think my breasts bounced.

Cloud gives Tifa a 'We need to talk' look, before glancing at me and the kids. I know this look well from when my mother use to talk with her sister. Sophia would always take me and my sister outside... I almost nod before clapping my hands together... my breasts bounce again. That damn bra is rigged or something.

"C'mon kids, Mom and Dad want to talk," I say, ushering Marlene and Denzel towards the door, "Let's go ride around the city on Cloud's crotch rocket." Cloud almost heads out after me, but Tifa assures him I'm kidding.

_'You know you'd be out of here if you could find the keys.'_

And if I knew Cloud wouldn't come after me...

"So, where are you from, Emmie?" Denzel asks, I pick up a dusty ball and turn. Er... How do I explain this?

_'Well, I'm from another planet over a billion light years away from here. Technically the planet I once lived on has already been destroyed by the time this thought has been completed.'_

"Er... I'm from Cloud's hometown." I answer sweetly, tossing the ball at Denzel. He kicks it to Marlene, who kicks it to me. We've got a decent game of... passing going.

_'Technically, not a lie.'_

"Are you Cloud's friend?" Marlene asks. Nope, we're mortal enemies. He killed Sephy-kins, after all.

"Sort of... but Cloud only kind of tolerates me." That's an understatement. I think he wants to rip my heart out and display it in front of Aeris' grave... Puppy killing maniac. That's right, his secret is revealed. Cloud kills puppies in his spare time. Let us all despise the puppy killer! BURN HIM!

We continue our game for a half-hour. I can see Tifa and Cloud talk through the bar's windows. I'm sure it has something to do with me... but it would be rude to intrude. Damn, this is like the day before Christmas. You know you're getting something tomorrow, but you want to know right now.

Suddenly, "Emmie, do you want to help me make dinner?"

Ha...ha...hahaha.

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MEANWHILE

Actually, this happened around the time Tifa chopped my hair off in the shopping district, but whatever.

Sophia, Sephiroth, Roommate, Elena, and the chibis arrived in yet another town after two hours of walking and twenty-two minutes of car theft. The car Sophia and Sephiroth 'liberated' is a large SUV. Why there's an SUV in the middle of the desert I'll never know. NEVER.

"Where are we going?" Elena asks, spreading her map on the dashboard. Sophia, from the back seat, leans forward and circles a particular space with a red marker. Roommate, the only one sane enough to drive, glances at the map, then back at the dirt road.

"How can you be so sure he'll be there?" he asks, Sephiroth gazes towards the nearby town. Only a few more miles...

"I hav'a feelan'." Sophia states.

"We need to pick up some supplies." Elena comments, "Then this place is just another few days from here."

Tifa-Wifa is playing a game of cards with Tseng, Reno, and Rude... and beating their asses into the GROUND. So far Reno's lost everything but his boxers, Rude's lost his pants, shirt, and shoes, and Tseng's lost his tie. Tifa's the chibi version of a bartender/martial artist. They should have known they stood no chance.

The Great Ninja Yuffie and Nanaki the Replacement Kitty are busy bugging Rufus. Rod is attempting to keep Vexen and Hojo from doing any more genetic experiments, Sophia's orders. Yazoo and Kadaj are playing with their Mother doll. Loz is... still crying.

The next town is Deepground free. The townspeople are surprisingly calm about the entire ordeal, they have yet to be attacked. Sophia jumps out of the car last, just as You-Know-Who pops up on an LCD screen.

Great. Just great.

"Hojo," Sephiroth whispers, furey flows through his veins, his eyes begin to glow with mako. That sadistic bastard... Instantly all of his emotions cease when he sees THE picture. You know, the Myspace one.

_'...You know what? I'll admit it, that picture's hot.'_

You're conceited.

"Hojo?" Tseng blinks, eyeing Weiss.

"Doesn't look like him." Elena comments with a whisper, Roommate glares at the screen, then turns to Sophia.

"Commander-" he begins.

"Sepharath," Sophia says soothingly, patting the ex-general's back, "Emmie's fane. He's a strang kid, aftar all."

Sephiroth doesn't seemed convinced.

They continue on.

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I almost light the bar on fire. Is that really surprising? This is the person who burnt mac and cheese.

I don't think I could fail any worse.

We end up ordering pizza from a local restaurant. Tifa doesn't quite trust me in the kitchen anymore. What can I say? I inherited the trait from my mother's family. They're full of eccentric humans that live on take-out. Hell, if it weren't for Roommate I'd already have had a fast-food induced heart attack. Sophia can cook as well... but I'm pretty sure she's some sort of mutation.

Marlene and Denzel want me to 'cook' more often.

The kids are asleep and upstairs at this point. Cloud sits across from me, eyes hard as steel. I have a bad feeling about this...

"A friend of mine wants to meet you." Cloud states, I stir my coffee-rum combination with a spoon. I'm not legally old enough to drink... but hell, this is an alternate world. I get to live a little.

"Who? Reeve?" I take a wild guess, his eyes narrow.

"How do you know Reeve?" Tifa asks, I choke on my drink. Insert nervous laughter here.

"...Orange." I reply.

"Blue." Tifa shoots back.

"How am I suppose to get to him?" I ask, Cloud slides a cellphone and a map across the table. He can't be serious.

But he is, he is.

"Emmie, we need to change your appearance." Tifa states, rummaging through our shopping bags.

"No we don't." I argue automatically.

Tifa gets the glint of EVIL in her eyes and holds up one bottle of red hair dye.

_'Oh-'_

"Lemme go!"

_**Two hours later...**_

_'OH MY SELF, WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HAIR?!'_

"I LOOK LIKE BASKIN ROBIN'S FLAVOR OF THE MONTH!"

"It's not that bad!"

"...Heh..."

Nero is mildly surprised to feel a superior wave of ANGST! wash over Gaia.

Anybody notice this flashback proceeded pretty much like the story?

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I made it a point to kick Cloud's bike the next morning...

So, yes, that's how I got in this predicament.

Chocobo-head and Vinnie are incapacitated at the moment. The cyber-spiders managed to wrap them in a nice cocoon, not after loosing a few of their own. Go Vinnie, go! I think he's still fighting somewhere in there. The leader moves to devour the cocoon, leaving me at the mercy of it's lackeys.

Know what? The WRO base is less than a mile away. I should just bolt and leave the chibis to fend for themselves but... I love them too much. Yeah, yeah. I know I complain but... man, I'd be in college level math if it wasn't for them.

That explains my next move, right?

I sprint towards the leader, sword raised. I manage to slice one leg off before it's fangs penetrated my skin.

_'...Sounds hot.'_

Shut up, I'm dying here!

This reminds me of a hentai manga I found in my sister's room once. It was about a group of schoolgirls getting... ahemed... by a tentacle monster. You see, instead of running away or sacrificing one of their friends, they all stayed and died together. It was a great story about morals and friendships... or so my mother said...

...I was twelve when I read that. _Hah._

Anyway, I fall to the ground twitching, poison begins flowing through my veins... Huh, the second time I may die in this world. I stab the spider again, it releases me. No strength to take out the big one, so I target the smaller spiders first. Doesn't Sophia have extreme arachnophobia? That would suck in this situation.

My HP is getting lower and lower with every passing minute. The number of enemies is getting lower by every passing minute as well. Finally, it's just me and the leader. I don't have enough MP or strength to fight it. I summon one, final Thunder spell.

It misses.

_'Typical.'_

A flash of red pours over my vision. Is it blood?

Everything goes black.

_'Again.'_

DAMMIT!

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I'm... alive?

_'Again.'_

DAMMIT!

A sharp, hard pain suddenly floods my senses. It's coming from my stomach... Oh god, the paiiiiiiin. All of the jokes I've ever made about my sister's PMS float through my head. Wonder why.

_'You know, I'm technically too perfect to have this happen to me...'_

Have wha- OH _GOD_ THE PAIN!

_'That.'_

The ceiling is pure white, the walls have a bunch of technical crap attached to them. More importantly, there's technical crap attached to me. Somebody's typing on a keyboard, this probably has something to do with me...

It's Shalua, figures. I am in the DoC timeline, after all. This probably means that Vincent's close by. I can feel the ANGST! floating around here somewhere... Shalua stops typing and turns to me.

"You're awake." she says, scribbling something onto her clipboard.

"You're a brunette." I reply nonchalantly. A machine somehow attached to me beeps slowly, Shalua does not appreciate my humour...

"Did you know you have an abnormal amount of G-substance in your DNA?" Nope. Did you know you look incredibly similar to Vincent's old love interest?

_'She's a Lucrecia fangirl.'_

I knew it!

"There's fresh blood in this room..." a voice suddenly says. I almost jump out of my skin, but the pain holds me still.

_'HOLY SNAP, IT'S A VAMPIRE.'_

Vincent raises and eyebrow at me, I stare with a small smirk on my face, "Vam-pie-er"

"RAWR! I ARE THE-" Quickly grab Chibi Vinnie and stuff him under my shirt. Realize that that may have been an idiotic action, smother chibi. Where's Chocobo-head? Owieowie. Stomach craaaaaaamps. Shalua looks at me sharply before throwing a bag at my head.

"The bathroom's the last door on your right."

"I don't really need a bag to go potty, lady." I deadpan, RAWR! attempts to bite a... sensitive area. I, of course, will not stand for that, and crush him against my stomach.

"The data shows that you're currently having your monthly cycle... as do your sheets." What? I look down to discover a thin trail of blood over my... eeeeeeeeeew! I've decided that I'm the UP's personal entertainment. She really needs to get cable or something.

I think Vincent is blushing _VERY_ lightly... or he's sick. Do vampires get sick? According to Blade III they do... Would Vincent like to see that movie? Huh. I should probably have a movie night when I get home. We'll watch Chicken Run for Cloud, some FBI movie for the Turks, the Matrix for Tifa and Yuffie, and a romance flick for Sophia... and me. What can I say? The King and I is a lovely film...

"...What do I do?" I ask. I didn't exactly pay attention in health... Shalua blinks at me, surprised.

"Have you ever have your cycle before?" she asks, I shake my head. "...You're kidding."

"Obviously you're being punked." Boy, I'm witty today.

"But you're mature, at least twenty years old. Unless you have some genetic deficiency you should have..." I stop paying attention at this point. Vincent disappeared, probably not willing to sit through this. Maybe he wanted to suck my blood? I can't help but feel that would be some genetic form of incest... or something.

I'm going to skip over the... M rated explanation Shalua gives about the female body. I just... sorry. Trying to block it from my mind.

After getting changed into a WRO uniform Shalua explains that she wants me to go through a series of test. I agree because... _damn_, my stomach is killing me. If this is what it's like moving an egg out I have to wonder what childbirth feels like. Never again am I going to make Sophia iron my shirt.

Chibi Vincent floats around my head, Shalua chooses not to notice him. Where the hell did Cloud go?

"Can I have something to kill my stomach pain?" I ask quietly, clutching my gut. Shalua take one hand off her keyboard and points towards the door.

"Sick bay, three doors to your left. Be back in ten minutes or I'll send someone after you." I'm so glad you trust me.

I manage to find the sick bay without another spray of pain. Unfortunately, somebody managed to beat me there. A man, who looks strikingly similar to my pervert former co-worker in a white lab coat, is sitting behind a desk. His nametag reads 'Resident Psychologist'... _Great_. He notices me. Double great.

"Hi," he says, waving slightly, "What can I do ya for?"

_'...Kill him. Kill him now.'_

I really wish I could.

"I need some pain meds, my stomach is cramping up." I mutter weakly. Owie.

"You know, a nice bath might take care of that. I'm actually just going to the shower area-" SNAP.

_'I've always wanted to throw someone in a white coat across a hallway...'_

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Ongaku Niji

Twenty Five :: End

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A/N: _JESUS CHRIST, THAT WAS LONG. My making up for not updating for a few weeks._

_Oh, and, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS!!! ...Finally got that out of my system. Spiders. -shivers-_

_Nanashi: What's wrong with those spiders? They are not attacking you, so stop screaming 'bloody murder' back there._

Thanks to all our reviewers! Devil-speaker, Wolfish, Celes, Yami, Zexion's.Emo.Queen, Kumiko, Shadow, Redwood, Vilecat, Sanjuno, Yargy, Moonshine, Skavnema, LittleBrick, Thunderstorm, Sephyandme, Apocalyptical, Devil Speaker, and 1wngd. One free Chocobo Island game for all!

Next Chapter: Day Four. LOL. No cliffhanger today! Hair elaboration

Review or... eat red meat!


	26. Day Four :: Vuja De

A/N: If I took any longer to finish this... Nanashi was going to eat my future children. -nervous laugh-  
Nanashi: -in a sickening honey-sweet voice- Oh, PoaA darling, you _do_ know that I'm not a cannibal. I would never _ever_ harm you or your future babies in any way... You make me, your ever faithful partner, sound _so evil_. _Besides_ you are already _laaate_ in updating our special V-day chapter.  
PoaA: ...Ha..ha...ha... -meep-

**Written By:** Nanashi, PoaA

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Vexen, Myspace, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE ME. Sophia, Emmie, and Roommate © Passè on an Angle.

_**IMPORTANT: If you wish to sign the petition, there be a link in my and Yami-Echo's profiles. I respect your views if you did not with to sign it/didn't sign it. I love all my reviewers. -HEART- If you'd still like to hear about it, reffer back to chapters sixteen and seventeen('The Return' and 'Sparkles and Bullet Holes') or PM Yami-Echo.**_

**WARNING:** Faggottree.

OOCness is a given.

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Ongaku Niji

Day Four :: Vuja De

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"Gee, could you make this thing go any- DON'T TOUCH THAT!"

Shalua loves to torture me, I swear to Jenova. She's making me run on this horrible, smelly treadmill. I am not a hamster, dammit! Reeve gave her complete control over my testing. She schedules it(I have to wake up at 7AM and get no coffee), regulates my food(no coffee), and observes it. Apparently I'm a scientific-fucking-anomaly to her and her associates.

Four of whom I might have killed. I blacked out last night and woke up covered in blood. Shalua checked and it wasn't mine... I'm not allowed to sleep in a normal room anymore.

_'I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling security guards.'_

Luckily, I'm not bunking with any of those smelly soldiers. The devil banshee woman wants to observe my breathing patterns while I sleep. ...She's going to stick me full of needles, isn't she?

_'Probably.'_

Yesterday-

_'MOAR FWASHBACKZ?!'_

I hate you so much.

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I don't like this.

_'Stop being a wuss.'_

What if I get pregnant?! Where am I gonna put a baby?!

_'You have to have intercourse in order to get pregnant, you know.'_

With my luck it'll be immaculate conception.

_'Or ra-'_

Mr. Psychologist is sitting in a heap of coat and limbs by the door. I still can't find those damn painkillers, the pain keeps intensifying. Owie.

_'Oh, stop bitching. At least your hair is okay.'_

Um... No, it's not. It's short and looks like sherbert. Hell, I'm sure it tastes like sherbert too... I now understand why they were giving away the hair dye. I actually contemplate killing the man, just to save myself from further annoyance. I examine my katana for a few seconds... it's really shiny.

...Maybe I should get those pain meds.

_'No, you should kill him first.'_

But... won't Shalua get mad? I don't want to give her a reason to slice me open. I have the oddest feeling that she has a Hojo complex.

_'You can handle her.'_

Not according to the compact.

_'A door defeated her. I'm sure you can.'_

The compact says I can't defeat the door either.

I move forward and a hand lands on my shoulder. I yelp and prepare to slice the person's head off. I turn around, only to be greeted with a wave of ANGST! Yep, it's Vincent. Thank Jenova, I'd hate for it to be Nero...

"..." I speak fluent Vincentese, similar to Squallese, only Squall had more lines.

"I'm trying to find pain killers." I growl almost inhumanly. Almost, because humans can growl too. "That bastard," Point, point. "Was hitting on me and I have craaaaaamps! Quick, make him a vampire zombie so you can shoot him."

"..." He thinks I'm crazy, does he?! Well, I'll show that vampire freak!

"F-I-N-E! I'll just finish him off myse-" Vincent ever so gently tugs me towards a chair. No! My vengeance, it must be dealt! Mr. Vampire overlord hands me a tiny bottle of white pills. They look strangely familiar, but I don't want to bother the issue. Something golden catches my eyes and all I can do is stare.

And stare, because the gold hand looks cooler when it's unchibi. I want to steal it and nail it to my wall. Sephiroth would surely like it's shinyness.

_'You just want to put popcorn in it.'_

So sue me.

Reeve walks over the scientist. Two minutes later he comes back, blinking rapidly.

"What the hell?"

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Reeve doesn't like me right now, which is sort of insane. Isn't he suppose to like everybody? He's the president of the effing WRO, or WRO for those of us who refuse to say letters separately.

We're sitting in his office. Well, technically I'm sitting. Vincent's standing and Reeve is... well, sort of leaning on the edge of his seat. I don't think either of them likely.

_'You know, this is the setting for one great sm-'_

Don't even go there.

"Why does Weiss want you?" Reeve asks. I really want to rip off that gotee. He's what? Forty? Anybody over thirty-five should not have facial hair unless they're super sexy. I don't care what anybody says, Reeve is not as sexy as his shirt.

_'...You really _are_ gay, aren't you?'_

I refuse to answer that question without my lawyer.

"I have no idea." I respond snobbishly, the Voice cackles in the background of my miiiiiind. Reeve gives me a look that says 'I know you know what you know' because it's hard to say.

"Do you have a guess?" he asks. Blink blink.

"Clearly, he wants to molest a Sephiroth look-alike. I mean, who wouldn't?" He gives me a blank stare. "I do look like Sephiroth when my hair is long and... not orange. That's what Chocobo-head said, anyway."

"Chocobo-head?"

"She means Cloud." Vincent can speak Emmieese too!

...I really want to cry in the corner. This is frying my brain.

"Yup." I answer chipperly, "Chocobo-head gave me directions here. He said I'd be better protected from that creepy child-molester."

_'How old are you?'_

Reeve looks just about ready to kill me. Some president. "What's you're connection with Sephiroth?"

Ha, ha... ha ha ha _ha_. "You wouldn't believe me." I say in a mary-sue sing-song voice. I'm good at it.

"What are you hiding?" Vampire asks... Er. I mean Vincent. His name is Vincent, which probably translates into vampire in some obscure language.

"I've seen a lot," Reeve begins, "I'm sure I could handle whatever you throw at me."

Ahem. Sephiroth showed up at my house one fateful day as a one foot tall chibi. He calls me 'mama' and stabs me regularly. Oh, and I'm really a boy in an alternate dimension. We're friends there. I've played a game called Final Fantasy VII, in which I play Cloud's adventure to save the world.

...Is what I wanted to tell him, just to see all that hair turn grey.

"Sorry, I refuse to say. Everybody has their own demons they need to hide." Look pointedly at Vincent for effect.

_'...You played through his life story, you know.'_

He doesn't need to know that.

"Fine," Reeve decides, "You can stay under one condition."

The room instantly turns cold.

"Oh fuc-"

"You just have to do a few tests."

"...k."

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Considering murdering everybody in this base. It would make for great fanart. I mean, for people who could draw blood. People who aren't me.

"Just out of curiosity," I heave, "When exactly am I going to run this fast?" Shalua shrugs, my right eye twitches.

The tests... oh, there were many tests. I'm going to skip the details, but... Oh Jenova, there were tests. They didn't just give me physical tests, oh no. Shalua quizzed me on some obscure facts of the Final Fantasy VII world. The miracle here is that I have yet to kill her.

Katana training was fun, though. Shalua's no master of the craft, but she's about a thousand times better than I am... which says a lot. Remember, she lacks one eye and an arm. I feel my male ego deflating, but my female jealousy expands.

My hair's growing back, by the way.

"Check your compact," Finally, I'm done. I grumble something incoherent and flip the object open... only to find that I've leveled three times. Where did the music go? Did it run away in the presence of the ever powerful hawk eye scientist?

"Good," she says, "You're getting better and should be able to take on a first class SOLDIER." Yeah, in your dreams, sister, "You'll need more experience to actually beat one, though." So I can take one on, but I can't beat it? What is this faggotry?!

"Is that why you want to make me fight without my katana for a bit?" I ask, she turns away... Hey! Answer me, ho!

"Whatever makes you sleep better," That bit- "That's all for right now. Go wash your face and get something from the cafeteria." Sure... no wait. "Before I forget, Reeve wants you to level up more. He wants you to see him in his office when you're done."

_'You can tell him to take his gun and shove it up his ass.'_

"Thanks." I mutter sarcastically.

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Chocobo-head JR(aka Pepe((aka Cloud))) and my chibi bling escort me to the cafeteria. In other words, they're hungry too. My monthly friend sends a jolt of pain up my spine, I twitch slightly. The sweet portion of the cafeteria is about to be commandeered. Pepe agrees.

People are checking me out. Not just the male soldiers, oh no, but females too. Apparently I'm the hot topic right now. I admit, I look pretty damn cute. My kimono is fabulous and my hair is, well, very girly. I bet I could pass as a lolita girl. ...This is seriously frying my brain.

_'You're conceited.'_

Bite me.

CHOMP!

"Not you!" ...Do I sound cute too?

Half-way towards the cafeteria I'm stopped by a few boys. Not guys, not men, boys. That's what Sophia would have called them, anyway. One of them leers at me, I take a step back.

"What's a pretty little thing like you doin' in this big, bad base?" Your mother.

"How 'bout yous goes on a date with one'a us?" another asks in a strange Brooklyn accent.

"No thank you." I will eat you all. "I'm in a committed relationship already." I walk passed them... ok, I run. I run fast and far. Shalua's training pays off in the most awkward of situations. Does being Sephiroth's mother count as a committed relationship?

_'Have you ever seen how possessive he is?'_

No... Well, yes. I read fanfiction, remember?

_'Then you know you're in a very committed relationship.'_

Meep.

The cafeteria's gossiping about me. At least, that's what I think(conceited). The men are whispering excitedly while most of the women are rolling their eyes. If I was male(I am! I AM!) it would be the exact opposite.

Now... what to eat.

Cloud blinks at me, "I want this." he mutters, picking up a muffin and placing it on my plate. I prepare to make a comment... but stop. He really deserves to be treated better.

_'...What?'_

Don't gimme that look.

I grab anything that looks sweet and my chibi bodyguards chow down with me. Sugary, sticky, frosting covered madness is spread across my plate. Sweeeeetneeeeeessssss. Unfortunately, they don't have my mint cookies. Why oh why do they lack the mint cookies?

_'God hates you?'_

THERE IS NO GOD, ONLY COOKIES!

_'...You need to lay off the sweets.'_

Shut up, I'm perfectly fine.

I barely make it out, heading towards Reeve's office when something... someone touches my ass. Oh, it is on like a fur coat, biatch. "What the hell!" I shriek, doing a full 180. Four men with glowing green eyes were blocking my path. One in front is moving his hand in a squeezing motion. He will be the first to DIE.

...Didn't Shalua say something about this?

_'Yes, but now is not the time for a flashback.'_

I back up, only to connect with a hard object. No, not that object. A chest. Four more make-enhanced ex-SOLDIERs are blocking my only exit. This is great. Eight gorillas, a defenseless maiden(hahaha), and a nearly deserted hallway. This has Vanilla Series written all over it.

'RAAAAAAAAP-'

I think I can handle this.

"Hey baby," the leader smirks, "Wanna hang out with us for a while? You'll have a wild ride." Leering laughter echos through the hallway. I'm prepared to castrate every single one of them.

'Yay, mutilation!'

"What class were you?" I ask, "Second? Third?" He laughed again.

"Third, little lady." That was an incredibly corny response.

I hid my smirk underneath a naïve, innocent look. "If you were to fight a First class... what would happen? Would you lose?"

That grin needs to be wiped away, permanently. "There ain't no first class left, doll." KILL IT WITH FIRE! "Don't go worryin' yer pretty lil' head."

"Oh really?" I say in a sickening honey-sweet voice.

"Yea-"

"MCP!" and I knee him in the groin, like kicking a soccer ball at 25MPH, _hard and fast_. That's what Shalua's testing and training has show me. I wonder if this'll work on Weiss.

_'Cock!'_

Bad mental image. Getitout! Getitout!

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Reeve's mad at me.

So a few of his soldiers can't reproduce anymore, big deal. The mako enhancing took cake of that long before I showed up.

_'Ironically, long after I showed up.'_

They want me to level up. It's always with the leveling. I didn't have to do this much leveling in the original game, or in DoC. No, no. No more leveling up. I'm done. Gonna get my stuff and just head out. Live in Wutai with Yuffie and her estranged father.

Instead of staying out here like a good trainer should, that _biiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch_ left me out here to die. Probably under Reeve's orders. Maybe Shalua's. I'm sure she wants to cut me open.

_'Frowny face.'_

Don't mock me.

My first and only enemy happens to be the infamous: mutated green sewer chocobo! _GASPITH!_ This should be easy, I think I've defeated one before.

_'It falling off a cliff does not count as defeated.'_

It does in Emmie-land.

Compact says, "Chobi, level 26... You're fu-"

I power up my materia and spring forward. The sword connects with the chocobo's wing and ignigtes it. Fwoom! Kentucky Fried Chocobo. But... what the hell? It's not fwooming... but growing bigger. Since when do chocobos do that?!

Oh hell.

Somewhere in the back of my deranged little mind, a voice says: Mutated green sewer chocobo is evolving! Mutated green sewer chocobo is now Cyclops giant pink chocobo!

_'...Shiiiiiiiit.'_

Run backwards(very difficult to do in sandals) into... the edge of a cliff. I have a very bad sense of direction. Pepe the Chocobo-head is no help at all, Vinnie, however... I rip the vampire from my neck and throw him at Chobi.

"KEEL!" And he does, he does. Seriously.

A burst of white light and, suddenly, chibi Vincent is no more. He is replaced by chibi CHAOS! Holy hell, that's quite possibly the coolest thing on the planet.

"That has to be the coolest thing ever." I sit there dumbfounded as CHAOS! rips Chobi limb from limb... literally. Green blood washes over the area, everything but myself is covered in it... because I'm pimp like that.

Tear, tear, tear. It starts to get disgusting after a while. Who knew he could eat so much?

After some time, CHAOS!'s eating gradually slows. He stops and lifts his head up, sniffing the air with a blood covered nose. Those cute(probably velvet) mini bat wings flap rapidly. He... turns... to... me.

...Meep.

_'You should make a will, right now.'_

...Sephy-kins, I'm sorry I never told you how much I love you...

_'That's not going to save you.'_

At least I'm trying.

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Ongaku Niji

Twenty Six :: End

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A/N: ...I JUST noticed that I never signed up to be in any C2 I belong to. Then I realized that I didn't have to sign up. XD God, I'm oblivious to most things.  
Nanashi: ...You're dense. For our readers' information, MCP means Male Chauvinist Pig. _Oh yeah! Just hints for our next chapter: Payback, Silver haire dude vs Black hair dude._

Thanks to all our reviewers! Memyselfisesshy93, Dark Lady, Peanuckle, irish'd salmo lover, Kumiko, Vilecat, Thunderstorm, Devil-Speaker, Yargy, LittleBrick, Yami, Moonshine, Zexion's.Emo.Queen, Skavnema, Vinval, Wolfish, and Shadow! To you all... personal Nanashi and PoaA plushie! Yeah, I made them myself. B

Next Chapter: Day FIVE! Oh shi-

Review or no more updates! Har har!

Nanashi: Oh really, darling? Don't give me the excuse of the Windows Vist(From Hell) again, ok? -smiling innocently and glaces sidewasy at PoaA-  
PoaA: ...Meep.


	27. Day Five :: Labyrinth

A/N: I have a Labyrinth obsession right now. Don't bother me. -hiss- I swear to Jenova that I WILL have a Labyrinth themed chapter. Complete with a song. I WILL.

Nanashi has now joined the FF community as an author! She is now renamed as Guardian 0 Devil!  
Guardian 0 Devil: Yeah, I'm so cool! I have just joine dthe community recently, I'm also working on another story too. It's not out yet but hopefully you guys and gals can go read and review when it is out. XD  
PoaA: I know I will. :D

Written By: Guardian 0 Devil, PoaA

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Vexen, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE ME. Sophia, Emmie, and Roommate © Passè on an Angle.

_**IMPORTANT: If you wish to sign the petition, there be a link in my and Yami-Echo's profiles. I respect your views if you did not with to sign it/didn't sign it. I love all my reviewers. -HEART- If you'd still like to hear about it, reffer back to chapters sixteen and seventeen('The Return' and 'Sparkles and Bullet Holes') or PM Yami-Echo.**_

**WARNING:** YOUR MOTHER IS A FRAGGING ARDVARK!

OOCness is a given.

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Ongaku Niji

Day Five :: Labyrinth

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After some time, CHAOS!'s eating gradually slows. He stops and lifts his head up, sniffing the air with a blood covered nose. Those cute(probably velvet) mini bat wings flap rapidly. He... turns... to... me.

...Meep.

_'You should make a will, right now.'_

...Sephy-kins, I'm sorry I never told you how much I love you...

_'That's not going to save you.'_

At least I'm trying.

Weapon.

_'Check.'_

Insane vampire from HECK.

_'Check.'_

All I need is the power to destroy the cuteness.

_'I know a guy...'_

Chaos flies towards me, blood dribbling down his little chibi chin. It actually looks insanely cute. Giant blood red eyes, funny blueish skin(I think it's blue... or teal). It would have been cuter(and cuddlier) if it had been RAWR! I ARE TEH VAMPIERZ! though.

'Trying out different spelling?'

It gets cuter every time...

"CHOMP!"

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Attempt to smack chibi off with magical frying pan.

_'That was anti-climactic.'_

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At exactly 0730 a lone shadow tip-toed across the WRO super secret laundry room.

_'Super secret because you got lost?'_

No... It was hidden.

_'I don't think they could have labeled it any clearer.'_

_You_ shut the fuck up.

Quickly, I grabbed a bottle from... my inventory. Huh. Must figure out how that works later. I always assumed they hid their items in Cloud's hair. Never mind, back to the task at hand. I twisted the cap off and began pouring it sparingly throughout the washing machines. Bwahahaha.

_'"Users be warned. Please follow instructions unless instructed otherwise by your doctor..." Huh. Well, if _that _isn't redundant. "or else outcome will NOT be as indicated on the bottle."'_

Not as indicated? My hair grew two freaking feet and turned silver again!

Quickly, I stalked out of the room, avoiding any motion detecting cameras. The training did nothing for me, I say!

"Kwek, kwek, kwek. Plan B."

_'Not the infamous 'Plan B'!!!'_

Oh yes, my dear. Plan B! KWEK KWEK KWEK!

_'When did you turn into a chocobo?'_

In other news, I still seem to bleeding from the uterus. Darm.

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At 0800, because I spent a half-hour running around that damn base, Chocobo JR and I are making our way... somewhere. Hell if I know. As always, I'm clad in my lovely kimono... thingy. For some reason or another, it simply recovers from any and all damages. I could get blown to smithereens and this kimono would still be there, in one piece and blood free. It's so freaking magical!

_'Feel the rainbow!'_

Amen to that, Sister!

See, my evil plan B-

_'NUU!'_

-was to get back at those sexist pigs. They clearly have a blatant disregard for women in the workplace. I am(partly) woman, hear me-

"RAWR! CHOMP!" I really do love my Vinnie. He has such perfect timing.

What did I do, exactly? Oh, just a simple little dye job. Like in one of those 80's movies... you know, the 80's. The country where David Bowie's from.

_'David Bowie?'_

I want that mullet.

We stop in front of my tormentors bunk room. It wasn't hard to find them. A quick nametag steal and an unauthorized use of the WRO database was all I really needed. I released Cloud, a catlike grin tugging at my lips. I quickly produced a packet of white powder from my inventory(is that where my kitty went?) and handed it to the chocobo.

"Take this and sprinkle it over everything, ok?" Use sweet voice!

"Do it yourself." the blond replied.

"Twitch twitch," says my left eye.

I glare. "No, you have to. They'll hear me..." He doesn't look convinced. "I'm sure Shalua would love to see what you're made of..." Great success!

Suddenly, I feel a presence looming over my shoulder. I turn and come face to chest with VEENSAHTOH! VARENTAIME! Sorry, but it had to be done. The vampire gives me a questioning look. My eyes narrow slightly, but my smile grows. This world is killing me.

"Vinnie, darling," I say in my best Lucrecia voice. Sorry, Vinnie, "Would you mind helping meeee?"

"I don't trust you." Ouch, that hurt. I clutch my chibi armwrap, suddenly feeling very luck.

"I have a friend that says you do." Cloud sighs loudly, Vincent eyes him for a moment before staring at me again. Creepy -yet cool- gloom.

"...It feels familiar." he mutters quietly.

"Of course he does," my grin is almost off my face, "He's just like Chaos, right?" Eyes widen a fraction, "His name is Dhaos, kind of like a younger broke of Choas." I feel like such a bitch sometimes. The vampire pulled his gun, obviously not caring about taking my arm off.

"Ah ah ah!" I shake my index finger at him... but I didn't. This isn't me, it can't be. I'm not this manipulative or this... What the hell is wrong with me?! "Can't do that! Just like your Chaos, Dhaos lives in the body of RAWR! I AM A VAMPIRE! Do you really want to kill an innocent chibi and let Dhaos loose on the world?"

I think I broke his spirit.

_'Technically, it was me.'_

You?

_'Yes. I did it for you, though.'_

Why?

_'BECAUSE THIS IS SPAAAAAARTAAAAAAAAA!'_

Oh, sod off.

Vincent glares, still pointing Cerberus. It's preeeeetty. "What are you planning?"

_Grin grin._ "Mix this into the food of the Third class SOLDIERs."

I hand the vampire a packet of red powder. He arches an eyebrow and looks... mildly amused.

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0900 and I'm back in hell. Fukitol is the drug I need. When you don't feel like doing anything for the rest of the week, Fukitol.

Shalua is smiling at her machines. This cannot be good for me. Either she wants to run more tests or I'm going to get drugged and turned into a cat.

_'Ha. Referencing stories.'_

Hush. I'm not a TURK.

Something surprising happens. The electroshock machine stops suddenly, but a few volts are still coursing through my veins.

I'M FREEEEEEEE! FREEEEE AS THE WIIIIIIIIND!

I quietly make my way to the lunchroom, making sure not to attract any attention. Chibi Cloud walks behind me, obviously annoyed. It's okay though, nobody cares about his opinions. My chibi bling is hungry, better feed him later...

A horrible, horrible idea comes to mind. I shift my kimono to the point where 'my' pale shoulders and cleavage are showing. Put that onto the list of things I never thought I'd be able to do. The cafeteria is full of... pink soldiers. That, my friends, is what the element of surprise. Imagine how Deepground would feel if a bunch of men in pink came floating down from planes with FANTASTIC make-up and a FANTASTIC gun.

I slinkily walk up to some poor, random soldier. His uniform is, strangely enough, not pink. Poor bastard.

Perk up the lips, squeeze breasts together slightly. "Hello," my most seductive voice is actually pretty cute... "Can you help me with a little job?"

He must have turned a thousand shades of red. Ha ha! "U-Uh, y-yes. W-what is it?"

Griiiiin, "Simple. Show me around the base. I get so lost!" I feel like committing suicide. Right here, right now.

"You look even better today, doll." Now I feel like committing homicide. The MCP is back, "Why not let us show you around?"

I twirl around to see, quite possibly, the gayest thing on the Planet. When I say gay, I don't mean homosexual, oh no, but happy! Happy happy happy! I burst into a fit of laughter, for a bunch of MANLY MEN are dressed in the most dashing color of pink. Half of them are scratching themselves in... places, the other half seem perfectly fine.

Glare at Cloud through the tears, who looks mildly guilty. TRAITOR!

"So, cutie, you wanna hang out? That punk isn't worth our time." Did they forget that I basically kicked their penises in? They could probably be considered women now. Never mind, this will probably work to my sick and twisted advantage. BWAHAHA! I turn around to wink at my previous prey. He blushes darker.

"Have you eaten yet? My treat!" I state happily dragging him towards the table. The group follows. Bwahahaha.

Show a little skin, get a little rewaaaard.

As the men chow on their tainted meals, I can't help but think if Vincent went through with it.

The cries of fire seconds later tell me he really wuvs me.

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Weiss is lounging on his throne(of human skulls, I reckon), listening to Nero whi- er, report of more mysterious deaths. Not so mysterious, actually. Apparently, a Sephiroth-lookalike has been slaughtering with an unidentifiable group. Most likely WRO mercenaries.

_'We know better though, don't we?'_

"Go gather more information, brother."

There are very many dramatic characters within the Final Fantasy universe. Nero never struck me as one, though. He seemed like the Vincent type. Sit in the corner and HIIIIIDE from the yaoi-crazed fangirls.

_'...Tha-'_

Hush you.

A black puddle of darkness swirrles before our favorite little group. Sophia blinks rapidly, Sephiroth promptly ignores it. If it has nothing to do with 'mama' then it isn't worth his time. The Silver Trio are playing house with their Mother doll. That's... mildly flattering.

Nero is not pleased. Sephiroth seems to be ignoring him completely(haha!), in favor of a cookie. My brunette cousin glares darkly behind her glasses. The chibis, Roommate, and Elena are standing behind her, all seemingly prepared to whoop ASS.

All in my name.

_'I'm touched.'_

Ew?

"Where's the girl?" she growls... in a non-accented voice. What the hell? I didn't know she could talk like that...

The DARK!ness man pulls a picture of me in all my pwetty glory, and Sophia becomes livid.

"So you're the ones who did that to her, eh?!" she yells, a bolt of blue light runs through her eyes, "You're going to pay." Nero smirks, and Sophia matches it. Both looks promise pain, but Sophia's is more... animated. I think I can see a shine of blood lust behind her glasses. Creepy, but cool.

"Sapharath," she began quietly. The ex-General glances at her for a moment. "This man is vary bad. He's hart Emmie."

"Mama?"

"Raght."

The ground where Nero was previously standing explodes. Rubble flies in all direction, some smacking into an invisible shield around Sophia and the others. She looks mildly satisfied and... incredibly scare. I'd never seen her this way before. Blood thirsty, in a way.

The ex-General lunges forward, attempted to slice Nero in half. He doesn't have time to use his horrible black aura on the SOLDIER. Instead, Nero opts for dodging and occasionally fighting back. He doesn't have many opportunities to counter. Sephiroth was born and raised a SOLDIER. The only reason Cloud defeated him(twice) is because of the insanity.

_'That I caused. Whoops.'_

Masamune glistens with blood of the other DGS. Sephiroth swings again, slicing through Nero's forarm, and pulls back for the final blow. The other seems startled, if only for a second, before he retreats to his darkness. Sephiroth glares, chasing after him, but it's already too late.

"You... you really are... _him_."

"...Well, _duh_." Thanks for the comment, Tiffy-Wiffy.

Back at DG, Nero is reporting to Weiss... again.

Despite the bad news, the man is grinning like a wolf just about to feast.

"Sephiroth is alive once again. What a show!" Show? You think this is a commercial show or a circus preformance?

I hate Hojo, but I hate Weiss too.

_'Too bad. He's pretty.'_

I was one of the few westerners able to play the DoC online event. He was such a freaking ass... but was he Weiss back then? Oh hell, time paradox.

"Strengthen our search, we must get to her before that abomination does." Nero nods, turning to leave.

"Oh, and brother," Nero turns his head hopefully, "Don't disappoint me again."

This is the one time I truly feel sorry for him.

_'Me too.'_

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Back with Sophia, which isn't exactly a good thing. Sephiroth is now transformed into a seething, raging, evil Bishie and is getting ready to annihilate Edge. That would be really bad, the future queen of the universe(Marlene) is there. Hey, at least she's better than Rufus.

...I miss my chibis.

Suddenly, a marshmallow about the size of a fist is shoved roughly into the ex-General's mouth by Roommate(who is acting under the orders of Commander Sophia, poor soul). He blinks rapidly, but chews and swallows... then continues on his murderous rampage... while chasing Roommate around.

Without warning, Sephiroth trips over a jutted rock and falls face first into the ground. Roommate cautiously pokes gently at the SOLDIER's unmoving body with his baseball bat. Upon closer inspection a snot bubble flies in and out of Sephiroth's nose

Leave it up to Sophia to dope a marshmallow.

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_'BAHAHAHAHAHA!'_

This is _just_ as satisfying as a good deed, I swear.

A group of red-faced men dressed in pink breathing fire out of their throats. Thank Jenova for Vincent and his secret love of me. C'mon, we all know it's true. He mixed firaga powder into a bunch of food!

Yes, firaga powder. I'm hardcore!

My glee(GLEE!) is short lived, though. Suddenly the Hojo-like psychologist jumps in front of me and... confesses his love. It was a fantastic confession too. He seemed to have fallen from a space void. A rainbow parachute and streamers fly behind him. Fireworks burst in the background. 'What is Love?' plays in the distance.

"My darling, you are the most a man could ever want in a woman! I have watched you from afar," FREAKING STALKERS, "and can no longer contain my feelings. Please, marry me!"

Why don't hot men ever love me?

I mean women! WOMEN!

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Ongaku Niji

Twenty Seven :: End

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A/N: I really, really want somebody to draw Jenova in the kimono thing. My tablet broke, or I definitely would. Harhar... I'll give cookies to whoever does... or you'd have to name the prize of your choosing. Not me.

Guardian 0 Devil: Definitely not me. I'm an art idiot in drawing. Don't give me _that_ look, PoaA! You will _never_ get rid of me that easily!  
PoaA: I just noticed, your name spells G0D when shortened. XD HARDY HAR HAR, get it?  
PoaA: Now, to finish my other story... or I'm sure at least five people will slam my head into a wall.

...Has anybody noticed that Nero is an anagram for Reno? oo CONSPIWACY!

G0D: And has anyone noticed that their names are also using the same four alphabets too? WTH! I got another brain blast! Which means more evil plotting! Yess... I'm the Plot Mastar!

Thanks to all our reviewers! Superthiefyoko, Bad Luck, Dark lady, Vile, Yargy, Kumiko, Thunderstorm, Skavnema, Sanzo's Guardian Angel, Redwood, Nanashi(HI!), Nightwind, 1wngd, EyeoftheTiger, Shadow, Yami, Devil-Speaker, Vin, and Passe. One free Chaos-Vincent plushie for all! Now with CHOMP action!

Next Chapter: Day Seven? No, not really! Valentine's Day special! SHUTUPIKNOWWE'RELATE.

Review or I WILL wish you to the Labyrinth... and you'll turn into a goblin!


	28. Day Six :: Snap Crackle Pop

A/N: There should be no more delays after this. I was promised no more computer problems, or I could end my computer tec's personal life.  
G0D: THE BLOODY HELL I WILL LET THE VALENTINE'S DAY CHAPTER SCRAPED OFF! -chases PoaA around with a net-  
Passe: AAAAACK!  
G0D: -runs back- BTW, I got a new story under my name. **It's called Insanity under the category of Anime: Trinity Blood and chapter 7 is uploaded! **Please read and reviews to tell me what you people like or dislike about it.  
Passe: STORY PLUGS? FOR CEREAL. I really like that story, and that's saying alot. I have no idea what Trinity Blood is beyond the story...

Written By: Guardian 0 Devil, PoaA

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Vexen, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE ME. Sophia, Emmie, and Roommate © Passè on an Angle.

WARNING: OOCness is a given.

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Ongaku Niji

Day Six :: Snap Crackle Pop

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Fire everywhere. Screams and the smell of burning flesh. I can make out a figure in the distance.

"...Chocobo head?"

This place is familiar and yet... not. I remember seeing it in less detail once before.

_'You are so clueless it isn't even funny.'_

The scene shifts and I feel sick to my stomach. Roasting flesh is replaced with the smell of dust and... mako? A blood-soaked Masamune is clutched in my left hand, while someone's neck is in my right. No, that isn't right. It's a head and then... not a head. Somebody familiar, lifeless in my own hands. _No more cafeteria food before bed._

"Cloud!" Zack looks distressed, Cloud's probably going to die. Wait... He has to live or else Final Fantasy VII will never be produced! My sword slides through his side easily, but he manages to hit me too. Silly. I cannot die as easily as a mere human.

Colors spin around as myself and the head fall into an endless sea of green. Mako again. It smells almost how it sounds, strangely sweet and bitter. I don't see what Hojo was getting his panties wet over. This stuff isn't any better than regular performance enhancing drugs.

_'LIVE CLOUDY BOY, LIIIIIVE FOR THE MOOOGLES!'_

You're nuts. Completely nuts.

_'They're too salty. I prefer dried fruits.'_

Huh?

'I will never be a memory.'

My eyes snap open and are greeted with the site of my ceiling. It's a disturbingly clean white, much like the rest of the medical rooms. Unnerving, but not unwelcome. The only friends I've had for the last few hours would be Chocobo-head and RAWR!IRTV(snicker). Something peaceful looking would be good to calm my nerves. I sit up, only to knock poor Cloud off the bed.

He remains asleep.

Chibi vampire bling is chewing on his bonds even in his sleep. Mental note: liberate more bandages. Better yet, steal duct-tape. Everything in the universe works better with duct-tape.

The clock reads 0730. Why? I have no idea. They can never just have normal time, can they? Reeve does seem to have a taste for the theatrics. Shalua AKA Grim Reaper-chan wants me to meet her at around 0800. This means I have little to no time for breakfast. Must take shower, blood in between legs gets crunchy otherwise.

_'You did not just say that.'_

You're right, I thought it...

Just as I enter my shower(after thoroughly checking for cameras), my mind wanders towards the last few hours of the previous day. Yesterday concluded rather oddly. After I single-handily sent Mr. Man in White Coat to the emergency center, I-

_'Flashback!'_

"Goddamed son of a bitch!" I slip on the soap and bang my head against the tub.

I'm just going to stop starting sentences with 'yesterday'.

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At this point my brain is completely fried. There's no reason for anythings existence anymore. Just chibis doing chibi things in a non-chibi world. Reeve sits behind his desk in a classic Gendo-pose; hands laced together and whatnot. I swear his mouth twitches somewhat when he sees my look. The look of a broken man that's decided to keep going for the ride.

"Miss... er Emmie..."

"Chibi chibi chibi chibi." I recite

His left eyebrow twitches. Not so Gendo-like after all. "From what I've managed to gather, you seem to be the source of quite a few mishaps around the base." Well, duh.

"I have no chibi idea what you're chibi talking about... chibi." I reply innocently. One hundred more brain cells commit suicide. Reeve tosses an unlabeled video tape on the table. It's most likely security footage of me being a special potato. What a freaking drama llama.

"It wasn't me, I swear! Chibi!" I begin, stroking my Chibi bling's hair. It's so soft and shiny and- A picture of me entering the laundry room appears on the monitor behind him. "...Chibi damn chibi."

"You will be punished accordingly." Okay, I have a few problems with that. One, I don't work for him. Hell, I here in his favor. Two, he can go fucking himself sideways. I'm not a little kid, I don't need to be punished for sticking up for women's rights(hah). Three, if they're going to treat me like this I am _so_ gone.

_'Just be happy he's ignoring the cafeteria incident.'_

Oh yes, I'm so thrilled Papa's turning a blind eye to my other mistakes. This is pushing me to the pole.

"What chibi punishment, chibi?"

Reeve smirks and hands me a document, telling me where I need to be and at what time. Shalua's going to run double the tests on me now. Just what I need, another reason to destroy this disgusting little planet and all its inhabitants. These insects are doing nothing but ruining it.

_'...Yay! I'll help! There's this great-'_

"Oh, and Emmie."

"Chibi, yes, chibi?"

"Get that checked out."

"Go to hell, chibi."

I AM A MOOGLE.

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I wake up with a worried Chocobo-head sitting on my neck. My head feels heavy and lukewarm water continues to poor onto my poor body. Screw it, no more shower for me. I sit up, knocking the chibi into my... lap. With a creak and groan the water goes off. Chocobo-head's face is bright red as he scampers towards the towel rack. Poor guy's probably never seen a woman naked.

_'You've never seen one naked either.'_

Do I count?

_'...Well... One must suppose...'_

Drying my hair takes too much time and effort, so I leave it wet. When I'm done a grey-black tunic and pants are waiting for me; my kimono is in the laundry room. I have to say these are slightly more comfortable, but not nearly as cool. After all, that thing seems to be damn near indestructible.

The mirror reflects my image murkily. This never happened back home. I doubt Roommate and I even own a mirror anymore. Chibis do chibi things to mirrors because they're like vampires.

Being a woman means I should probably doll myself up. At least, that's what my mother claimed. Then again, she was very much a tomboy around the house... I'm not trying to impress a single person, and yet... I wipe away some of the mist... and scream. Loudly.

_'That's some lousy hair-dye, buddy.'_

My hair is shimmering and pretty and everything it shouldn't be. It's grown another three feet in the last six hours. The only thing that could be more disturbing would have to be the fact that there is no evidence that I ever cut it to begin with. The ends are different lengths and my bangs are fashioned much like Sephiroth's, only quite a bit lower and not nearly as menacing.

I hate my life... chibi.

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At 0800 I report to Shalua. She claims I'm late, I claim she hasn't gotten laid in the last seven years. She glares and blushes slightly. I'm obviously right.

The treadmill refuses to work.

"I HAVE NO SOUL!" Whenever an electronic device doesn't work for me, the obvious reason is because I have no soul. Never mind the fact that it could just be broken. No. Soul. From behind a concrete wall, Shalua says something about going to a different machines. What's the point? I have no soul.

Today is different from the other days of training. For some reason my mind keeps wandering off to random thoughts. Christmas, Sephy-kins, the cat-lady down the street, mass genocide of the planet. When one puts one's mind out of focus, everything one does seems easier and less painful. The cramps subsided hours ago. According to Shalua, regular exercise and lots of water helps keep them at bay.

Treadmill still doesn't work.

Shalua thinks we should go to lunch together. I politely refuse, but her look informs me that I have no choice in the matter. I am _so not_ immune to the Grim Reaper's death glare. I may be female(for a little while only... hopefully), but their charms still seem to be in affect. This irritates me.

_'It hurts me a little more, but you don't care.'_

Nobody cares.

_'Emoemoemoemoemo.'_

The walk towards the cafeteria is mildly fun. Chatting about girl stuff disinterests me, but it disinterests Shalua as well. This could, perhaps, be the beginning of a friendship. When I take over the world she will be the last to feel my wrath.

There's some sort of... energy in the air. Pink, red, and white decorations have been scattered around the base. I'd rather not ask. Maybe it's some sort of- Crap. Valentine's Day. ...Hahahah. At least five young soldiers have given me gifts and run away blushing.

I feel empowered, even though they look like they've seen a ghost...

_'You're like some sexy ghost that can make men blush like boys during puberty.'_

...Go to hell.

Shalua seems well-prepared as she hands me a dufflebag to carry this crap(aka GIFTS!). Should I burst into a song or just cry? The gifts aren't anything special, just a penknife, wooden carving of a rose(very pretty), a bottle of perfume, a lucky charm, and even a make-up kit. Wow. Where do they find this crap? I'm grateful, but is there some sort of WRO gift shop around here?

I really miss my mint cookies. I'm starting to crave sweets more and more every day...

Some soldiers(I lost count after six) have asked me on dates. I reject them, just because... well... I'm a guy.

_'And totally not ga-'_

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!

Shalua is pleased and relieved that most of the men keep their eyes on me. ...Dammit, she's using me as a shield, isn't she? Great. Woman's buying me lunch for my troubles. The normal ten minute walk from the lab to the cafeteria is dragged on for thirty extra minutes. My nerves are thinning rapidly.

Chocobo-head suggests we just order in.

I'm inclined to agree.

At long last we reach my haven! Food! Nourishment! COOKIEEEEES!

"Rawr!" Pet Vinnie's head. Good boy.

Evil Scientist Biatch is humane enough to buy me lunch while I look for a place to sit. She 'promises' to bring me food. For some reason that tickles my special place. 'Promised land'. Hee hee.

_'You really are losing your mind, aren't you?'_

It's long gone. Sent me a postcard from Hawaii.

What's taking her so long? The cafeteria clock reads 1420(what's that in earth lingidy?). My stomach gives a low growl, protesting my lack of cookies. Strange, my appetite has been acting funny these last few days. One moment I'm craving food, the next I can't stand the sight of it. I remember when I could be a hermit and last without food for days in my room.

_'Obviously, you're pregnant.'_

Don't even joke about that. Wait... women can't get pregnant on their periods.

_'Shows how much you know.'_

Someone pats my shoulder.

"AIIIIIIIKE!" I jump about seven thousand feet in the air(in my mind) and spin around. Some poor, familiar soldier's fortune has just changed for the worse. My eyes narrow, "What's up?"

Facing me, he's having a hard time forcing the words out of his mouth. That's probably my fault. I should try not to be so scary sometimes. The soldiers around us are giving cat-calls and shouting words of encouragement. There will be no pity for this fool. My glare still in place, "Don't make me repeat myself."

The poor idiot stutters and finally forces the words out in his high soprano voice. I flinch inwardly and can barely make out the words. SHUT UP AND TALK LIKE A MAN!

_'He's asking if you still want him to give you a tour.'_

Oh... No wonder he looks so familiar. He's the guy I used yesterday... Aren't those other guys still in the Intensive Care Unit? Should send them some flowers...

He continues talking. That's worst mistake he will ever make. I slam both hands onto the table, and lean over. "Okay, you know what? Stop being such a fu-"

Asuka I am not.

_'The following rant is bleeped out for protection of the children. Just know that many ears were bleeding by the end. Who knew this kid could be so... evil?'_

Silence reigns through the cafeteria. Shalua is beside me, already eating her lunch. The poor guy salutes me and runs off quickly. I blink and sit down to eat. Why does my throat feel so dry?

_'Hell hath no fury like a woman on her period.'_

Some other soldiers still dare to ask me out. I let my temper out of check, while real 'Emmie' sat back and watched from behind mismatched eyes. It was almost like watching a movie. I let RAWR! deal with the first guy, threw Chocobo-head's sword at the second, stabbed the third with a fork, and punched the fourth with the hilt of my katana.

I rock.

Other women handle this better. I was a guy for the first eighteen years of my life. This is a big change for me and I'm doing the best I can.

Fatigue finally sets in, my head feels heavy. Chocobo-head pushes my food around my plate with a fork. I push saucy meat into Vinnie's mouth. He bites but I really don't care. Sleeeeepy.

"You know..." Chocobo-head begins, "We have other things to do. Saving the world..."

Blink blink. "Saving the world? I never signed up for that." I never signed up for anything.

"I know, I know. But she says you have a destiny..." There's no question as to who 'she' is. "Well, not really you, but her."

"Who?"

"Mother."

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Ongaku Niji

Twenty Eight :: End

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A/N: Right. G0D is completely prepared to end my existence... I'm sorry. I've had major issues with my computer for the last few months. SPYWARE, YA?  
G0D: Don't worry PoaA. I WILL NOT end your existence. You're too important to me and the story. The worst you can expect is a little trip to my personal torture chamber... which was made especially for you... -similing innocently-  
Passe: -whimper- Help me. She's crazy.

Thanks to all our reviewers! Superthiefyoko, Bad Luck, Dark lady, Vile, Yargy, Kumiko, Thunderstorm, Skavnema, Sanzo's Guardian Angel, Redwood, Nanashi(HI!), Nightwind, 1wngd, EyeoftheTiger, Shadow, Yami, Devil-Speaker, Vin, and Passe. Real life gun-blade for all!

Next Chapter: Day Seven? Hell yes! Finally!

Review.


	29. Day Seven :: Valentine's Off Target

A/N: _PoaA's Super Happy Fun Time Hospital Episode: So, I went to see the doctor. He sent me home with possible apendicitus(spellcheck? no wai). That night(you know, after he sent me home a-okay) I was rushed to the hospital with kidney stones. One of my kidneys was, also, on the verge of shutting down. I've been in the hospital ever sense(I have yet to figure out why. They told mummy I was dying, like, five times.). Just got back a few days ago. MAN, I hate hospitals. The only good thing about it was that I coaxed my sister into letting me borrow her laptop so I could read fanfiction. Bwahahaha.  
_Passe: SO YEAH. Back to you, G0D.  
G0D: Woah! We finally updated it! It's like 2 freaking months already! Sorry readers!!

Honestly, I was really freaked out when Passe had not responded to me for such a long period of time. I'm feeling so glad that's she's alright now. Also I was quite touched that she even made a will to email me her password if ever she's died so as to continue this story. However, I'm sure we don't need to resort to that as I'm sure she will outlive me. XD

PoaA: _OMGWTF. Two days AFTER I sent this to G0D for editing... I'm back in the hospital. BUT I WILL NOT DIE. The doctors called us up, "WTFYOUNEEDTOGETBACKHERE." Turns out they mixed up my results with another person. A GUY, btw. AND they only told me they did the wrong tests after I insisted they do them(insisted with the threat of a malpractice lawsuit, because I was feeling DANDY). WTFWTFWTFomg. ...I hate hospitals._

Written By: Guardian 0 Devil, PoaA

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy VII, Vexen, or Square Enix, or anything else that is copyrighted. PLZ DUN SUE ME. Sophia, Emmie, and Roommate © Passè on an Angle.

WARNING: OOCness is a given. What's the next major holiday? I should probably start working on that now, just to have it done... _**Now,** I admit I don't think this is quite as decent as the other chapters, but it'll do... for now. **Let's all cross our fingers while thinking, "Passe will NOT be hospitalized before, during, or after summer break. Ever again." As a team, I think our thoughts can overcome ANYTHING.**_

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Ongaku Niji

Day Seven :: Valentine's Off Target

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My left eye twitches slightly, and Cloud notices.

"Who is this 'mother'?" I feel like I'm playing a word search game, but there's no word bank.

"Whose mother?" Cloud, I hate you.

_'Your mother? My mother? Clooooooud's mother? Does this 'mother' come with a whip and toys for her favorite boy? Does Mother have a god complex and wish to destroy the world with a notebook?'_

...I have a feeling you know who he's referring to.

My stomach isn't up to the challenge of cafeteria slop, so I opt to go back to the sick bay. Actually, Shalua opts for me, because she's the queen of this hive and I think she's stronger than me.

_'Which you?'_

...I feel schizophrenic.

Shalua is concerned with my nutrients intake. Cafeteria food must not be nutritious... I think my soup winked at me. Utter loathing fills me as we approach the sick bay, for I know what is coming. The Universal Power hates my guts and Shalua explains that the Hojo-lookalike is stationed there. I attempt to protest. I swear.

"Shalua... I don't wanna go," I whimper pathetically.

"Too bad." the scientist responds.

"Okay." I have been defeated. I demand some sort of sad, pathetic music start playing.

_'I'm sure Vincent has a record or two in his angst-claw.'_

Along the way, I start noticing couples; the scent flowers and chocolate waft through the area. Obviously, it is the season of love. Valentine's day. The sick bay door confirms my fears. Oh great, oh joy. I'm the admittedly hottest piece of ass around-

_'...My bad.'_

-and it's the most love-centered holiday ever. At least, where I'm from.

Just as predicted, when Shalua opens the door Hojo-doctor is there, filing some reports. Probably all the secret love-letters I've been getting. Yes, I'm aware of them Shalua. Hiding them for the sake of my sanity is very kind of you.

"..." I am at a loss for words. Shalua seems apathetic to my situation. Bitch.

She points to a bed. "Here you are. You won't be bothered here."

"...Isn't that doctor over there, like, my number one fan? ...Chibi." DAMMIT. Chibi. It's like hiccups, only this will drive me over the edge. Cloud sits on my shoulder because that's what Clouds do. ...The mental image of big-Cloud crushing my shoulder is unavoidable. I think it's causing temporary blindness.

Shalua pats my shoulder. "Don't worry about him, he's claimed to be unattracted to both sexes for years.

_'Was she brain dead for the entire cafeteria episode?'_

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

The female scientist excuses herself, leaving me alone with this creep. I sigh softly, laying back on a bed. Let him try to feel me up! I have the power of the chibis. Cloud, still clinging to my shoulder, nuzzles my hair. It either smells nice or he has a fetish. Personally, I thought he liked big breasts, if Tifa is any indication.

Sleeping!Cloud is very cute. Though not as cute as Vinnie.

I start to doze. The last few months of my life have been some type of hell, haven't they? The third circle of hell must be filled with chibis and pure insanity. It's for people like me. Cookie addicts who haven't gone to any type of house of worship since their loved one died. ...I miss my mommy.

'I haven't seen my mother in about ten thousand years. Suck it up, you baby.'

No. I'm a sheltered child. I need love and comfor- Stop giving me that look!

_'You can't see me.'_

I can feel you glaring at me.

"U-um... excuse me..." I hear a squeaky voice from my right. Don't open, eyes! Don't you dare open!

A girl, probably eighteen(as that's the minimum age you have to be to join WRO) is standing at the edge of the bed. Her hairstyle reminds me of Sophia. In fact, if she were twelve years older, she could be my cousin's twin. Several female soldiers, all around eighteen, gather around my bed. These must be the new recruits.

"Er... Yeah?"

"U-u-I just w-wanted to wish you a happy Valentine's day!" mini-Sophia squeaks. That's cute. One of the girls asks about my life before WRO, which unleashes a flurry of other questions.

Request for rest: _denied_.

They start asking me questions. Horrible, personal questions. Girl questions. Questions I could not answer unless I was female. Can't these people see that I'm a real boy?

_'...I really shouldn't have to comment on that.'_

This interrogation is getting me kind of emotional. All of these questions are purposely reminding me of home. Hell, I would give anything to have my post-chibi life back. Screw normality! Just get me home! If Sophia were here, and not her younger clone, I would be able to get home no sweat. She has all sorts of strange gadgets and gizmos that could help me.

I think I'm crying.

One girl hugs me. There is a time, long ago, when I would have enjoyed this. Now I just want to cry more. Right. Now I remember why women are insane. Hormones. Lots of them. I am not mentally capable of handling such things!

_'...Dammit, you're making me seem like a huge pu-'_

PG-13.

The room goes silent as I answer a question about my favorite food. A single shadow falls over me as the rest of the girls scurry away. Mini-Sophia sticks around, going back to, what I can only assume is, her desk job. This actually makes me happy. Mini-Sophia doesn't exactly seem like the type who can _asplode_ a person's head.

_'Explode.'_

Shut the hell up.

The shadow is connected to another girl. She looks older, but still young, and probably breaking a lot of dresscode. Dressed in mostly black, severely pale, and wearing black make up. From her stance I can tell exactly what type of female she is. Easily jealous, 'hey! Look how naughty I am' girl. One that has yet to grow up and probably never will.

_'Her make-up may be able to get her into the shadows, but I bet her skin glows in the dark.'_

Must be great at parties.

The woman leers, leaning in uncomfortably close. "You stole my boyfriend!"

My face says 'WTF?', she translates it as 'Oh noes! I dun bean caut!'

"I challenge you to a duel to the death!" I don't think I'll ever be able to appretiate the unique situation I am in. I mean... I'm at a WRO base getting challenged to a _duel_ by, what has to be the only punk-goth-whatever in Midgar.

I'm more specialer than she is.

_'...Okay, Halloween Barbie, lay one on him. The hardest hit you've got.'_

Don't brake a nail.

Looking at her, I sense there's no way reason will prevail. However, I am waaaay too emotional to fight right now. Dr. Phil and a tub of Rocky Road are the only things that can save me now.

"Go 'way," I sniffle, biting my thumb. Whether this is acting or not, I'll never say.

...For the record, I'm acting.

_'Sure you ar-'_

CAN IT, WOMAN!

"What the he-? Why are you crying?" Too Naughty For School asks. I must be the best actress ever, or her anger is unjustified and she knows it. Mini-Sophia comes back from her desk, setting a clipboard of papers beside me. I guess she's Shalua's assistant? Perhaps she's the reason Mr. Shrink isn't hitting on me right now.

"It's a long story." I respond.

_'Over fifty-thousand words, to be exact.'_

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"Hey, Emmie's back in tha TaaVaa!" Sophia chimes, watching the television in the corner of her dark hotel room. Roommate sweatdrops, as he has become a quite comfortable chair for the TURK chibis.

Sephiroth dozes on the inn's bed, hugging his poorly made 'mama' plushie. Chibi Tifa is playing some form of tennis with the Silver Trio. She and Yazoo are beating Kadaj and Loz. Fifteen love.

Elena is going over a set of plans. They are, naturally, for entering Deepground undetected. Sophia has already decided when they're going in. It is also clear from these plans that she intends to break into two groups. She and Sephiroth, along with Tifa and the Silver Trio, will enter Deepground. Roommate is suppose to take Yuffie and the remaining TURKs to Wutai for... some reason.

_'You know, this is very elaborate for being drawn in crayon.'_

They spelled 'secretive' wrong.

A small spaceship resembling Cid's airship crashes through the room's one window. It bounces off the wall five times before landing. The chibis ignore it. When I say ignore, I mean are completely unaware of it's existance. Sophia's smile widens slightly.

"Cid! Thar ya are!"

What does Chibi!Cid have to do with ANYTHING?

_'Everything.'_

Quite a deep explination, I must say.

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Operation: Bother Vincent is a go-go.

I will burn in hell for eternity and a half for this.

_'Vincent needs some new friends.'_ Is the thought that started this entire mess. It started late last night, as in early morning. The Voice and I were playing a game on one of the base's many computers.

Valentine's day was yesterday, but nobody could tell when the day ended in this windowless hellhole. Vincent, ironically being the only one able to go outside on a whim, is nowhere to be found. I checked everywhere possible vampires could be. Bathrooms, closets, basements, dark laboratories. Nothing. Why is he never around when I need him?

_'Because you're evil in ways unimaginable.'_

No, that's you.

"...Viiiiiiiiiinnie!" Somebody in one of the corresponding rooms tells me to shut up, I respond with a threat that would make Hannibal Lecter twitch.

I sit back on my sick bay bed with a frown. Cloud is shuffling through a bunch of drawers looking for some paper and glitter. We decided during the night to make Vincent-dearest a Valentine's day card. Maybe I'll have Shalua deliver it to him. Just to add insult to injury.

'You're, like, a puppy-kick away from being the antagonist.'

Cloud finally finds the glitter. Chibis have glitter-dar, along with shiny-dar and cute-dar. Anything even relatively cute can be sense up to five miles away. If they need a snuggle, they know where to go instantly.

"So... We need a poem. You can draw, like, a stick figure of Vinnie being happy. I'm sure he'll dig it."

'Roses are red, violets are VIOLET. Colorblind freak.'

You have a way with words.

In the end, the card looks like it took the combined efforts of a kindergarten class to complete it. RAWR! IRTV managed to put several lovely holes on the construction paper, while Cloud's Vincent portrait is spot on. I think it's of Vincent, anyway. Could be Alucard or Sadako.

_'I must say, your drawings are the dog's bollix.'_

Why thank you, old chap.

_'Plucked raisons and all that.'_

You jest!

_'Did you bite your thumb at me, sir?'_

Qui- All right. Even I cannot keep this going.

Now we must stalk the corridors until we find Vincent. The ideal place is near Reeve's office, because I know Vincent has to go there sometime in the future. Seven books of word puzzles, twelve cans of soda, two bathroom breaks, and we get our chance. Vincent is just about to turn the corner into the corridor when I fling RAWR!(attached to the valentine, of course) at him with all my might.

Vincent seems genuinely surprised.

"...What is this?" he asks in a calm tone. If Vincent showed emotions I'm sure he would be trying to eat my head. Pink paper, glitter, and happy faces that would make a mother proud aren't exactly what one thinks when they think of Vincent Valentine.

"It's a card from me an' the chibis!"

"..." He seems shocked, just a little.

_'I think we've lost him.'_

Good. We need more people in this galaxy of insanity.

Without another word, Vincent turns and leaves, still clutching the valentine. Cloud looks disappointed, but remains silent. I'm sure he's just happy that he and Vinnie JR are covered in glitter. They look like _GLITTER MONSTERS_.

_'Hocrap!'_

I expect to find a horsehead in my bed tomorrow morning.

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Ongaku Niji

Twenty Nine :: End

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A/N: So I hear there's a Trinity Blood chibi-fic called Rainbow Life floating around. I wonder who it's by... -insert music here-  
G0D: -grins- Look forward to the next chapter of Day 8! Hint: Attack!  
PoaA: No attacks! NOOOO ATTAAAACKS.  
G0D: Okie, I think that's all for now. Currently, I'm in sickbed down with a little fever and flu. Gawd. Really, I need to update my another story, Insanity. It's left hanging for more than a month...  
PoaA: Not if I have anything to say about it... wut? Boxes.  
G0D: Oh, passe, please do try writing out the next chapter 30 of Day 8 too within 2 weeks. ON had been left on the shelves for way too long. I'm sure our readers are getting frustrated... Don't give me that look! I did not said about sexually frustrated!! Just... plain frustration...

For now, Ciao.

PoaA: AS LONG AS I DON'T DIE AND MY COMPUTER DOESN'T EXPLODE.

Thanks to all our reviewers! (No list today. My account is acting all screwy and I'm way too lazy to actually search for this story. XD). For, special not-dead Nero plushie! Huzzah!

Next Chapter: Day Eight? I do believe so! We're making thus up as we go. There will be no logic.

Review.


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